Mr Vangorium's Wonder Gunporium
by Samuel Keller
Summary: The newest generation of Vault Hunters are participating in the deadliest, gruesomest, loot-galore-ist competition in the entire galaxy! First DLC for Vault Hunters Wanted, with new characters and a decent plot for once!
1. Chapter 1: Guinness and Roundhouse

**[Richard McGuiness] "Hello and welcome to the Carnival of Carnage, the longest running, highest rated and most downright fucked up shit that you will ever find on the ECHO waves today! My name is Richard McGuiness and I'm joined by Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale. Isn't it perfect weather out here Scott?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Abso-fucking-lutely Rich! All around me I hear the sounds of nature, the sounds of thousands of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid fast! I don't really understand why we're here at the moment, considering how we don't have any new content to show you, but I am still escatic as ever!**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Now that you say that, that is a really good question."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I guess this is what you'd call a teaser trailer.**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Heh, heh, like your ex."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh shut up!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "It was all in good fun man! You hate the bitch too!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Completely accurate! Anyway, this year's addition to the Carnival has been pledged to be one of the greatest, as assured by the company we've had hired for the last decade to provide the sickening, grimace-inducing entertainment that we so crave here!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Speak fucking English Scott."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "It's gonna be kinda cool."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Oh, that's easy to remember."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] *sigh* "Dumb fuck. Anyway, this year we have some of the toughest cast of motherfuckers ready for line-up against any shithead who happens to drop his unfortunate ass onto this host planet! Some of these guys you'll recognize Rich, I'm sure."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Oh fuck me, they brought HIM back?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yes Rich, yes they did."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well ain't I glad I'm not within a mile of that crazy gunslinging douchenozzle. You know what he did to me? He…"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Rich, we can't spoil it for the others. Remember, we do commentary for the most popular contestants, not overall coverage. Usually. It depends on what the producer wants."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Producer? We still nipping the heels of that assmonger?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yes we are Rich. Yes we are."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Fuck! Okay, whatever, kinda glad he doesn't care what we say. The audience likes us enough to keep us around. At least, I really fucking hoping so or I'm out of a job."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Unlike you Rich, I have a plan for when I am unemployed."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Of course. I see you at the street corner every other Sunday when I'm taking my walks."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh, with that new dress I bought? Oh it makes all the boys go wild! You have no idea!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I really don't. You know sometimes I just really want to strangle you with my fucking tie."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I can sympathize, but I hate ties so I never wear one. I have four in my pocket though. You can guess why."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I already guessed."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ties are hard to pull loose…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I already figured that shit out!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Sorry! Anyway, let's give our new audience some basic info."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "What sorry sack of loser hasn't seen Carnival of Carnage?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "People who prefer to read, the educated, most of the people with senses of taste still intact."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well fuck all of those people! I can barely read myself!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Then how are you reading the prompt?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "What prompt? This is all improv baby. I'm a natural."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Really? Go on…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Get away from me Scott or I'll staple that flappy gay shirt to your chest."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ow, that would hurt. I like that…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Scott, I'm grabbing my staple gun."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Okay, I can't afford any more rape charges on misunderstandings. Or rape charges in general now that I think about it, I got plenty of those."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I told you not to go to that school on career day."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "There were cheerleaders!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "They were in middle school!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Shut your trap!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] *Laughter* "I guess I'll continue, since Scott is nearly choking on his own spit from rage. Listen, to you virgin viewers, Carnival of Carnage is simple. We load up this entire fucking planet with gun-happy trigger humpers and invite a ton of people to come shoot them. We have the top eight combatants as the big targets, usually leaders of the other idiots running around this craphole. When you defeat all eight, you win a prize!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Has anyone actually won the prize Rich?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well I sure as shit didn't. Got a fuckton of injuries too."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ha!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Oh go die!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I just might now. I have very low self-confidence actually."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Those rape charges don't speak in your favor."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Fuck YOU!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well we can argue all day long Scott, but that's not what the audience wants, probably anyway. So let's get going to the Carnival of Carnage!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well there be chicks? And dudes?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "A whole lot of both, you bisexual frisky fuck."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "It's more pansexual then anything."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "SHUT your trap and let's cut to a commercial."**

* * *

**What's up my fans? Yeah, I know, it hasn't really been a while since I ended Vault Hunters Wanted, but I'm not one to lounge about after all. This is the first unlicensed DLC for Vault Hunters Wanted, and I can guarantee it will kick ass. Due to the live commentary present in this story, I will be hosting author comments at the bottom of the chapters to make it less confusing for you all. Just give me a few days to get the first few chapters on paper, and drop a comment on what you think so far or thoughts on the future. Good luck in all your future efforts. **


	2. Chapter 2: The New Guy

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Rich, can you tell me why we're here right now?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "We are commentators Scott. It's part of the job to comment on stuff."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "But why are we here? The contestants aren't even on the planet yet."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Irrelevant! Our producer, who can lick my hairy nutsack if he hears this, decided to have us comment every chapter."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Rich! We aren't supposed to break the fourth wall!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Rule of comedy Scott! If it's funny, it works!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "True dat, true dat."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "…"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "…now what should we do?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well nothing's really happened yet. Maybe we should just wait till the next one?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, good idea. I'm gonna play some Pocket Monsters on my phone."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Wait, you got Pocket Monsters on your phone?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yep, the emulator I got works wonders."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Can I get the address?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Sure dude. For a blowjob."**

**[Richard McGuiness] *sigh* "Drop the pants."**

* * *

"So one day our teacher was reminding us about the final exam when some bright idiot asked, 'is sexual exhaustion a legitimate excuse for not showing up, since it's a critical injury and all?'. All the other students were laughing and all, and the teacher calmly replied, 'No it doesn't count. You can write with your other hand'."

The table burst into laughter, those seated their losing their heads. Dion was slamming his fist into the table with tears in his eyes, his mouth spitting out swear words as well as laughter. Taika was chuckling to herself, a cigarette waving on her lips as she did so. Saprus was grinning as air escaped from his nostrils and mouth, his hair messily placed over his face in a casual manner.

"Jesus Baldemar, I wish I went to your college," said the Titan wiping the tears from his eyes. "It sounds like an American Pastry movie, but with more sex and humor."

Baldemar chuckled. "Yeah, it's true. Got me some good stuff from those years. Too bad I got kicked out."

"Don't see why that's so bad," stated Taika. "Never had a day of school once I left junior high. Never went back."

"What's the square root of 256?" inquired Saprus cheekily.

"You wanna get smacked?"

They all laughed again, acting like a group of friends. In reality, they were. They had been through so much turmoil and blood and sheer crap that they could only be called comrades at this point. It was amazing how far they had come from when they started as four strangers on a barge to Sanctuary.

They were currently off the orbit of a large planet near the Eden system, a rejected planet that the planetary governments had not wanted to be part of their official list for whatever reason. The gate had picked a random destination, but this one did have a gate unlike all the other Eden planets. It didn't appear very civilized at the moment, but they hadn't really explored the whole thing yet. Apparently a Vault was underneath this planet as well according to Lilith's notes, something that they hoped to have. After all, that Vault could be instrumental in their war against Bellum, who was still tracking after them.

"What do you think is going to be in that Vault?" wondered Saprus aloud, leaning backwards in his chair.

"Who knows? Let's just hope it doesn't produce a giant alien that tries to kill us," joked Taika.

"Yeah," agreed Dion standing up. He stretched out his arms, yawning as he did so. "Man, I need to get some shut-eye. Can't wait to step onto this new planet. Been forever since I've done that."

"Same," added Baldemar. 'I hope I can get a souvenir for Gaige."

"Lover boy," taunted Taika punching him in the arm.

"I'm swooned, whatever the fuck that word means."

"Usually it means falling over in love," explained Saprus.

"Ah, cool."

* * *

If any of our Vault Hunting heroes had decided to sneak a peek to the outside of their ship, they'd have noticed a wandering small craft floating nearby. This craft looked like a coffin with wings, the outside painted completely black. On the wings were two identical white skulls, the symbol decorated with a cross in the center of the forehead. It moved rather bewildered, as if the person controlling it couldn't maintain control.

"Okay, so I take a right after the second moon…." mused the pilot of the craft, glancing at the paper instructions in his fist. His overall appearance was white, as if he himself had been bleached. His hair, his skin, even his eyes were white. He had on a long white jacket over his body with fur lining the collar and sleeves, with two bandoliers attached to his back. Instead of guns they held SDU units that probably held his equipment, as he had no guns on his body. Strapped to both of his thighs were twin bayonet blades, with the actual blade being nearly a foot long and straight on both edges. On the back of his jacket was four words all stacked vertically, each one in capitals. The words were: ATTACK, MURDER, REPENT, REPEAT in that order. He looked like some kind of albino priest, but the fur and bayonets made it seem a bit off.

"God fucking damn it, these shitheads obviously have retards for cartographers," muttered the priest exasperated. If he was a priest, he clearly didn't follow a few commandments. "All I wanted to be was a Vault Hunter after I finally got off my stupid fucking home world, and now here I am, my ass floating through space and all my shit piling up."

He kicked an aluminum can nearby, one that had once been filled with beer but was now dry as bones. "It wasn't like there was a 'Become a Vault Hunter for Dummies' book on the ECHOnet, or a Wiki page on this shit. All I wanted was simple 'Go from Fucking Point A to Point B' but no! Now I'm stuck here waiting for some stupid goddamn shit that looks exactly fucking like all the other ones out there! When I get in there I'm gonna circumcise the bastard who drew this stupid map and make him eat the foreskin from his own cock. Wait, I don't know how to do that. Fuck shit."

He leaned back in the small space of his coffin-like ship and grabbed a nearby can of beer. Popping the top, he began guzzling the stuff into his mouth.

"Tastes like piss," he muttered disgusted. Then he kept drinking. "Doesn't matter, still beer."

He glanced out the window and stopped mid-sip. "Is that the ship?"

He sat up rapidly. "Holy fuck it is! How long was that steel humper there?! Whatever, time to make my acquaintance."

The priest grabbed the controls and pushed forward, driving the ship towards the Crimson Falcon. He had learned how to control this thing fairly well since he had been driving it for a couple of weeks (guesstimated since he was in space), so it was pretty easy to do.

"Hello Crimson Falcon, this is Arthur Fitzgerald. I saw your ad and I want to join your crew" he spoke into his radio. "Listen, I'm not exactly an experienced Vault Hunter, but I'm a Grave Knight, formerly of Grave Lord Arlon, who can eat my dick if he's there to hear this, and it'd be really cool if you let me join."

He waited for a few seconds. "Well fuck you too! I didn't want to join your gay ass social club anyway! Fuck it, I'll go back to performing exorcists and baptisms on some back-water shithole to make money! I wanted to kill stuff, get loot and fuck bitches, but NO! Fuck you too! Eat my dick!"

He began to turn his ship around when the cargo bay of the ship opened up, as if in response to his comments.

"That's fucking like it!" exclaimed the priest. "Sick, I'll be right there! Keep my seat warm, preferably with a hot chick's ass!"


	3. Chapter 3: Rough Landing

**[Richard McGuiness] You know, even I'm questioning why we're here right now.**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Whoa, you just developed a brainwave Rich. Congratu-fucking-lations. Now can you finally complete a Sudoku puzzle or even simple algebra?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "You know Scott, you should get out of your chair and literally fuck yourself!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I just might. But I don't know how."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "…only you would actually give that some thought."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Hey, don't knock it. It's sex with a person I love."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Same principle as masturbation."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Amen to that."**

* * *

Lilith was fast passed out on her bed, a blanket thrown over her body. Her hair was wild and she looked partially hung-over, as evidenced by the bags under her eyes and alcohol on her breath. This was also further reinforced by the fact that at least ten beer cans were around her bed, all of them empty.

"ZZZ….no don't lick there….not my lollipop…leggo my eggo…" she murmured under her breath, the speech bordering on gibberish or odd sexual innuendoes. In the case of Lilith, both were highly likely of occurring.

Someone knocked at the door, although that was pretty pointless since she was passed out anyway. Axton popped in his head, a cigarette in his teeth.

"Uh…Lill?"

"Uh…what is it Axton? Can't you see I'm sleeping?"

"How did you wake up that fast then?"

"Dude, I'm hung-over and I can't answer your fucking Trivial Pursuit questions. What is it?"

"Well we got a call on the radio and some idiot smashed into our cargo bay."

"I heard that. Woke me up a little while ago."

"Yeah, and well Baskerville tried to kill him."

"How's that bad news? That's good news."

She rolled over and snuggled her head deeper into her pillow. "Good riddance. I'm glad he's gone."

Axton sighed and grabbed her blanket. Throwing it off her bed, he was thankful she was at least wearing some pajamas. Otherwise that would've been kinda awkward, especially with overprotective Baskerville as a boyfriend.

Lilith sat up hurriedly, now freezing her ass off from lack of a blanket. "Axton, what the hell!?"

"You aren't listening. I said he TRIED to kill him."

She cocked her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it appears that this guy is immortal somehow."

The Siren remained silent, her hung-over mind processing the information slowly. "What?"

He sighed. "Just…come on."

* * *

Lilith adjusted her pajamas exasperated, not too happy that she had been interrupted her sleep. She also now had to make sure her 'assets' weren't hanging out anywhere, as she was now in public and not the privacy of her room. She actually had to care about how she looked like now, and that wasn't something she wanted to do at these hours. Granted those hours were stimulated on the ship to give a sense of normalcy so the crew didn't go bonkers, but still.

"This better be good," she murmured rubbing her bloodshot eyes.

"Oh it is," assured Axton flicking the ash of the end of his cigarette to the side. "It's actually kinda funny."

They reached the cargo bay and quickly noted that there was now a large smoking chunk of metal to the side. It looked like a huge flaming coffin, with the sides dented inward and the wings stripped off. It was black, but that might've been from the flames that engulfed it.

"Jesus," she muttered astonished. "It's gonna take days to get those marks off."

"That's not what's worrying me," said the cowboy pointing to the other side of the bay.

She glanced over and stopped dead, surprised beyond words by what she saw.

There was a huge debris field of crates and metal ship parts, all of them shredded and torn apart. Standing in the middle was Baskerville, who was holding a severed head. The body of the man was below him, the torso and left arm being the only intact pieces. Somehow, the man was still talking through his head even though he didn't have lungs to draw in breath. Oddly, there was little to no blood, like the man didn't produce it anymore and only had what was left in his veins.

"I'm gonna eat your head!" roared Baskerville chomping his fangs, his right arm and side completely transformed.

"Do that and I'll bite off your dick!" threatened the severed head. He was at the right height to do so if anyone was curious.

"Hey idiots!" yelled Lilith loudly.

They both glanced at her, the severed head unable to do so.

"Hey asshole, let me see the bitch's face. I'm kinda staring at your dick and it's getting pretty fucking awkward."

"I should kill you for calling my girl a bitch," snapped the wereskag raising his head to his eye level.

"Oh really? Well I'm fucking sorry. I wasn't aware that you had a bitch. But considering how much of a dog you are, that's not surprising."

"Okay, now I'm really going to eat your head."

"Nobody will be doing nothing!" exclaimed Lilith.

"But sweetheart…" begged Baskerville.

"Nothing!"

He sighed. "Damn it."

She rubbed her temples. "Okay, I'm too tired and hung-over to do this shit. We'll take care of this in the morning. Axton, get Zed on the line. Tell him he's got a long night ahead of him stitching this idiot up. Baskerville, spit him out."

The wereskag whined. "I don't want to…"

"Do it or I won't let you eat my…"

"TMI," warned Axton sharply.

"Fine. Just…spit him out."

Baskerville grunted something under his breath and put a hand down his throat. Tapping his uvula, he vomited violently on the floor.

"Holy fuck you got it on me!" spat the severed head. "I'm covered in my own chewed body! That's just goddamn disrespectful you asshole!"

The wereskag ignored him and hacked up something large, causing him to expand his mouth into a partial transformation. Then it finally let loose and hit the floor, revealing that it was the remains of a leg.

"That's just fucking gross," muttered the severed head.

"All of him," snapped Lilith.

"But sweetheart…"

"Do you want to go celibate for a month?"

"No…."

"Then. Spit. Him. Out."

Baskerville sighed deeply, then wretched up what appeared to be an arm.

"Good, I liked that arm," stated the severed head calmly, as if this was a normal occurrence. "I use that one to f…"

"That's all of him," interrupted the wereskag sheepishly. "Please don't leave me out to dry. That's honestly it."

He gave her the best puppy-dog look that he could, which was hard since he had just vomited up two limbs and covered in blood. Yet that seemed to make her cave.

"Fine," she said determined. "Come on back to bed. But you don't get nothing tonight."

"Ah sweetheart" begged Baskerville guiltily.

"And you have to take a bath."

"Ah, but I hate baths!"

"And I hate being woken up, but we don't all get we want!"

Axton smirked. "I'll keep watch over this new guy. From what I heard, he's going to be a new Vault Hunter."

"An immortal?" questioned Lilith. She thought for a moment. "We can use that. As long as he isn't a complete idiot."

"I heard that bitch!" snapped the severed head.

"Glad you did. Welcome to the Crimson Raiders."


	4. Chapter 4: A Grave Knight

**[Richard McGuiness] "Wow, that Alan guy is a real asshole, isn't he?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Reminds me of you Rich."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Fuck you Scott."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Hey, you have a lot in common: bad taste in dress, horrible haircuts, obvious sociopathic tendencies, possible rape charges…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "That last one is all you Scott."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Okay, I'll remove that from the list. Anyway, he's a bit of a dick isn't he?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well I think literally everyone is agreeing on that point. But they did strike first."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Technically, Alan smashed HIS ship into their own, so in terms of hitting someone, he actually hit first."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "This isn't a self-defense case Scott. Someone hit, someone hit back, things go south and someone winds up being eaten. Stuff like that happens all the time in the Carnival."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, funny thing is, we didn't pay them to do that since they technically aren't part of the Carnival yet."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Ha, nice."**

* * *

"Okay, the Vault Hunters meeting is now in session," said Lilith leaning on the podium she had ordered online. Hand-carved mahogany if anyone was curious. She ran a hand through her hair, obviously tired.

"We're two hours late," observed Captain Wolfenstein, who was standing against the far wall like a sentry. He still wore his long coat and his hair was still short, but he had let a small beard form over his chin. It actually made him even more handsome than what he already was, but it was more likely that he had forgotten his razor.

"Well that's just fucking great to hear Wolfenstein. Anything else you want to share?"

"No."

"Well good. Now, are we all here?"

"Present," stated Lupus Cithara seated on the floor even with all the chairs. He seemed to have something against chairs, as he only sat on his mat that he kept rolled up and slung over his back. He was strumming his guitar slowly, thankfully not one of the ones that killed people.

"Here," said Axton lying across three chairs pressed together, his hat tipped to cover his face from the light. His rifle was slung over his chest and he already had a cigarette in his lips. To absolutely no one's surprise.

"Here," added Dion who was munching on a huge chunk of meat covered in ketchup. His lips and face were covered with the red concoction and possibly blood, but his meal appeared to be fully cooked unlike Baskerville's food.

"Present," spoke Zero standing opposite Wolfenstein on the opposite side of the wall, his head tucked down. Along his waist was a belt of swords, five in total.

"Aquí," stated Salvador with a huge shotgun in his lap. "That's Spanish for 'here'. I think. It's been a while since I've spoken it."

"Present," said Saprus, who had his mask off again from his medication. His silver hair was now braided, with a single different braid placed between his eyes. From an unbiased opinion, he was the most handsome, followed by Wolfenstein.

"Present," added Taika, her sniper rifle propped beside her. Her cowboy hat was perched perfectly on her head and her armor had been recently repaired to its original condition.

Lilith looked around. "Where's Krieg?"

"With Maya," replied Axton cheekily, a small sneer over his face.

"Making pie," elaborated Lupus.

"Pie?" repeated the Siren skeptically.

"Yeah. In her oven."

Dion burst into laughter, getting the innuendo. "Nice."

Lilith sighed. "Fine. And do I even need to ask where Baldemar and Gaige are?"

"Three options. Closet, bedroom, or bathroom" stated Taika.

"Knowing Gaige, she might move to the viewing decks" warned Wolfenstein. "I'd recommend uninstalling the cameras. And moving the guards. And soundproofing the walls."

"Is it that bad?" questioned Lilith.

"In all honesty, not really. But you'd have men asking to return to their bunks every time they even got close by, so that'd be a problem."

"Sounds kinky," noted Lupus.

"Okay, ignoring that comment," stated the Siren. "I guess they'll overhear this anyway. Now if anyone was awake last night, you're probably aware of our little 'visitor'."

"That asshole who smashed into the cargo bay? Yeah," murmured Dion. "Woke me up too. I was having a nice dream with a shark wearing a bolo tie and unlimited bacon."

"Would you mind sharing it so I can write about it?" asked the guitarist.

"I barely remember it."

"Fuck."

"Anyway," muttered Lilith exasperated. Honestly, it was becoming impossible to hold this bunch of idiots together. "Well, we patched him up and we're thinking on letting him join. Bring him in Zed."

The doctor strode in, his mask covered in fresh blood. He was dragging a gurney with a flailing body on it, one that thankfully was not half-dead.

"What the fuck man! Let me off this thing!" roared the now intact man, who appeared to be cuffed to the gurney.

"Sorry, orders are orders."

The doctor stopped him from throwing the cart over and looked at Lilith. "This guy is incredible. I only had to sew the limbs back, but they healed themselves overnight. Also, he only appears to have a pint of blood. He doesn't even have a heartbeat. He's almost frozen, his skin is completely dead."

"What is he?" asked the Siren curiously.

"Hey bitch, I can answer that myself!" roared the man. "I'm fully able!"

"Fine. Now what are you?"

The man sat up as best as he could, his hand barely preventing him to rise above 30 degrees. "I'm a Grave Knight. Top soldier of Grave Lord Arlon, master of necromancy. Total dickhole too."

"I thought you all were brainwashed and hypnotized."

"We were, but I broke free. Now I come here to join you in hunting Vaults, and some fucker tries to kill me!"

"That was my boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend is a poon-muncher."

"You know that's completely accurate right?" inquired Lilith not at all ashamed by what that meant.

The man burst into laughter. "I like you. You're funny. Listen, I understand. I piss off most people, so I probably pissed off your boyfriend. I'll forgive him."

He held out his hand, balancing himself by leaning forward. "Name's Alan Fitzgerald."

She shook it, noting how the skin was ice cold. "Well what's with the get-up? I'm digging the jacket by the way."

"Oh that? I made them. You see, I'm a bit of a zealot. Best in my church at slaying heathens."

"Heathens?"

"Pretty much anyone I want to kill."

"So my boyfriend is a heathen?"

Alan scoffed. "Please. Heathens are things like bandits and rapists. You are good people. Just assholes. But you aren't heathens."

"Well that's nice," muttered Dion. "You wear a cross, but I'm pretty sure what you said isn't part of the book."

"I see your cross," said the priest calmly. "Listen, I'm a paladin in our Lord's service. A holy motherfucking soldier of God. Spreading salvation through words and bullets. And if you don't like it, you can eat my dick."

"Naw, it's cool," said the Titan holding up his hands. "Just making comments. I honestly can't wait to work with you."

"I can," stated Wolfenstein coldly.

"Oh get bent!" snapped Alan.

"He seems like a reckless idiot," explained the wereskag. "At least Dion is sane enough to back off if it's not survivable."

"Thanks," stated Dion genuinely thankful for the compliment.

"Still a bit of an idiot, but better."

"And there goes the compliment," murmured the Titan frustrated.

Alan grunted at the Captain. "Well listen Gibbs; I'm a lot better than I make myself appear. Ya seen my blades?"

Zed held them up the two long bayonets, noting the odd construction. "These things are huge. Sharp as my razors too. What do you do, swordfight with these things?"

Zero perked up, suddenly interested by the conversation.

"Actually I do," stated Alan proudly. "And I throw them like javelins. They're heavy enough. They also cut my food and slice up heathens."

"Impressive," murmured Lilith. "I'll be honest Wolfenstein; I see no reason not to have him on our side. Besides his obvious douchebaggery, he's fine."

The Captain shrugged. "Whatever. I hope I won't have to work with him."

"That's fine Sean Connery. I wanted to work with some of the other people here anyway."

"I'd take him. He's kinda cool," stated Dion.

"Hey new buddy!" exclaimed Alan. "We already agree on two things!"

"I can tolerate him. He's no worse than Baldemar," said Saprus calmly, twirling the braid in front of his face.

"I got a nasty cold coming on," explained Taika rubbing her sore nose. "It's going to only get worse out there. I'm sorry, but I can't go."

"Well shit," muttered Lilith. "And Baldemar requested leave for at least a week, but I want to get on that planet tomorrow. We…"

She felt her communicator beep and glanced at it. Pressing a few buttons, she began studying it closely.

"Well, well, well, our prayers have been answered," she said smiling.

"I didn't pray a lick," protested Alan. "Well, except for repentance and shit like that."

"Well whatever. You're about to meet your next new teammate."


	5. Chapter 5: Vehicular Assault

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Sooooooo….when are these idiots going to get on the planet anyway? It's been five chapters and they're still on that stupid ship."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Goddamn it Scott, that's what they're doing right now!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Reaaaaallllly?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yes, really. Stop talking like that."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I apologize, I've been watching CLFL a bit too much and I am just looooooooving the way this sounds!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Stupid anime fanboy."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Says the guy who spends his Saturdays watching muscly men duke over a ball."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Football is a legitimate sport and a pastime of my home planet!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "And it might also be one of the gayest things allowed over the air waves. How do you respond to that?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "FUCK YOU SCOTT!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Response noted."**

* * *

"So why exactly was this planet forbidden from joining the Eden system?" inquired Dion glancing at his shipmates. Or technically boat mates since the thing they were piloting wasn't really a full-fledged ship.

"Well ya see, this planet is basically the black asshole out of this entire solar system," elaborated Alan Fitzgerald cheekily, his attire perfectly intact. Attached to his thighs were his bayonets, but now he also had a large Hyperion shotgun placed across his lap. He also had a grin on that revealed his sharpened teeth, almost all of the edges being jagged.

"Basically they didn't want it as part of their system," explained Saprus calmly, his suit now attached. "To be honest, Eden-66, as they're calling it now, is not entirely a great place. It's geographically inhospitable, it's very unstable in terms of geology, and the wildlife is fairly dangerous."

"So, it's Pandora?" asked the Titan.

The infected laughed. "In a way, yes. The thing is, people actually still live on Eden-66, half of which are sane. We're getting dropped at a town called Machina Medical."

"Sounds festive," noted Alan.

"Well it appears that there's some kind of celebration or something going on, the town got renamed just for it. I can't tell what the real name is though. It's weird, there appears to be a ton of fireworks…"

Suddenly the radio sparked to life, a signal patching its way through.

"Is it supposed to do that?" questioned the priest nervously.

"Uh, no," muttered Saprus. "Lilith? What's going on?"

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Who the fuck is Lilith?" **

They all paused.

"Please tell me I wasn't the only one who heard that," whispered Dion.

"I'm insane, so I can't answer that question," stated Alan slightly terrified.

**[Richard McGuiness] "Ah crap, they don't know how the game works. Scott, you're scaring them."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well EXCUSE me! I thought they knew how this thing worked!"**

"Stand back. I'm going to shoot it," said Saprus raising his gun at the radio.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Good luck ya fucker!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Scott, be nice!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ugh, fine. Listen, it doesn't matter what you do. You entered Eden-66's atmosphere. Now your brainwaves are directly linked into our feed. Whatever we say you hear."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Okay Scott, now they're probably shitting themselves. Ignore gay-dick over here. We've managed to hack into this entire planet's ECHO waves to broadcast our message. Basically, if anything able to pick up ECHO signals is now transmitting our message. That includes this radio and all your coms."**

"Why?" inquired Dion simply.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "We're commentators!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Unfortunately, Scott is correct for once. Me and him are the commentators for the Carnival of Carnage, which has now been picked to be on Eden-66. By the way, why are you here anyway?"**

"We came to pick up a new recruit," explained Saprus.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well that's cool, but the place where you're headed just so happens to be an important part of the Carnival!"**

"Wait, we're a part of it!?" asked Alan excitedly. Unlike the other two, he seemed to know what was going on."

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Correct, Alan Fitzgerald! You are an official contestant of the Carnival of Carnage! Not to mention Saprus to your left and Dion Kormos to your right!"**

"How did he know my name?" inquired Dion.

"Your last name is Kormos?" questioned Saprus curiously.

"This is FUCKING AWESOME!" yelled Alan. "I've watched this show ever since it came out ten years ago, and I never DREAMED I'd be a part of it! I'm so giddy I could fuck a horse!"

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ah, horses. Oddly they weren't as entertaining or good in bed as MLP would have you believe."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Holy fuck Scott, that's disgusting."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Don't knock it till you try it Rich."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I would knock it, if you hadn't knocked it up like the sick fucker you are!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Heh, yeah."**

"So what's this about the Carnival of Carnage?" inquired the infected. "What are we supposed to do?"

"Basically, we have to kill 8 guys on this planet to win a prize," stated Alan running his hands down his thighs and also his bayonets. "Though that's ambiguous, since they have had a few more than 8. Each of the 8 or so have a little badge you collect that unlocks the prize I guess. No one's ever won though, but I know we can do it!"

"Sure, why not?" said Dion. "I could use some entertainment. It'll take a while to find that Vault anyway. Might as well have fun while we're doing it."

"You know we probably shouldn't say that when they can hear us," noted Saprus coldly.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh please, we'd never reveal that!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, contestant privacy issues. Scott got in trouble when he found out a bitch was manipulating all the other contestants with sex."**

"What'd he do?" questioned Saprus.

**[Richard McGuiness] "She manipulated him with sex but he still told everyone and they killed her."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Best twenty minutes of that week."**

* * *

Machina Medical was, put simply, a crap hole. It looked like some kind of ADD byproduct of pop culture combined with general body odor and social outcasts all mixed together in a blender with arthritis and confidence issues. To those who didn't understand the metaphor, a mere crap hole can be imagined and that description will suffice.

"Wow, this place looks like a crap hole," murmured Dion walking through the streets. They were surrounded by incredibly tall buildings that were painted black, with only neon signs illuminating the alleyways. It was full of garbage as well, making it appear like someone had taken the future and screwed it up majorly.

"Yeah, I can't believe they brought this one back," noted Alan calmly.

"This has been here before?" asked Saprus.

"Ya, this was here last year. Pretty popular I guess, but the guy who directs this section died so they replaced him. I think that new guy killed him actually. That's usually how it works."

"Anything we should be aware of?"

"Well Machina Medical is a recent addition, but one overarching theme is cyber-punk. Basically futurist stuff dumbed down. So expect robots and stuff."

"Okay, simple. Anything else?"

Alan paused, perching his ear upwards. "Anyone hear that?"

They all paused. It sounded like some kind of motorcycle.

"That part of this place?" inquired Dion raising his shotgun.

"I don't think so. Too simplistic for cyber-punk."

Suddenly something turned the corner, throwing up a huge cloud of dust. The motorcycle revealed itself, along with its clothed rider.

**[Richard McGuiness] "Ladies and gentlemen, time for me to introduce…"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Not yet Rich! We gotta follow the script!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Damn it. Fine, wait a few seconds…"**

The motorcycle smashed head long into Dion, giving them enough time to see that it was bright yellow with several stickers plastered all over it. When it hit him both the Titan and the motorcycle went flying, smashing into the street and buildings chaotically.

The rider picked herself up from the wreckage, revealing her clothing. She wore a long red jacket tightly wound across her body, showing that her form was rather thin with small breasts. Her pants were long and orange and went straight to a pair of white boots with huge straps across them in an almost comical fashion. Her helmet obscured her head however, the goggles and mask disguising her face as well.

"Dion!" exclaimed Saprus running to him

"Stop!"

The two conscious Vault Hunters glanced at the rider curiously. She was frantically waving her hands to stop them, running towards them at the same time.

"Bill has just hit his head, so it's not a good idea to move him," said the rider calmly, as if her actions from before were perfectly ordinary.

"But his name is Dion," protested Alan slightly confused.

She began analyzing him calmly, her face blank.

Then she flipped him over and saw the blood on his face. She gasped melodramatically, throwing her head back theatrically.

"Oh crap! He's completely dead! This young boy is dead! I killed Bill!"

"But his name is Dion, like Alan just said," argued Saprus. "Tina calls him Shorty, but that's mostly just to aggravate him."

The rider ignored him, rolling on the floor in hysterical panic. "Oh man, I totally freaking killed him. Just like that, BANG! No, I hit him with my bike, it was more like BONG! Or maybe even KABOOM! Or possible SPLAT! Yeah, that's the right word! Crap, crap, crap, crap…"

She then reached towards her helmet and ripped it off, revealing her facial features. She possessed unnatural blue hair that spiked in a rather short fashion over her head, her eyes being a deep black that accented well with it. Her face was rather pale as well, making her appear like some kind of Gothic punk.

"Come back to this life!" she yelled grabbed Dion by the lapels and hoisting him off the ground.

Then she planted her lips on his firmly, closing her eyes in concentration.

And then her helmet hit the ground.

Saprus and Alan stood motionless, their eyes and mouths wide with confusion and shock. It was like their brain had just shut down.

**[Richard McGuiness] "And here to the competition, I welcome, Miss Paula Picassa!"**

Dion opened his eyes calmly, then immediately panicked when he realized what was going on.

Paula moved away, wiping her smiling mouth. "Good, he's back. Bill is alive."

"His name is Dion," reminded Saprus.

"Oh, really? Well if he was Bill, he could've just added himself to a statistic. Death by motorcycle. Kills hundreds of people every year."

She pumped her fist. "Looks like I got a good one!"

She raised her left hand, revealing a gauntlet attached to her fist. "Round 2!"

With a mighty heave, she punched Dion in the face, throwing him further down the alley.

"Crap, I didn't hit him hard enough," she muttered aggravated.

"What are you doing?!" roared Alan. "Crazy bitch, answer me!"

"God, you people are useless!"

Dion sat up rapidly, his face bleeding from her punch. "What the hell was that?"

"CPR," answered Paula calmly. "Why, were you hoping for more?" She grinned slyly. "You naughty little boy?"

"WHAT?!"

The Titan spat quickly, his face in a grimace.

"Did she do tongue?" asked Alan cheekily.

Paula quickly grabbed her bike and hoisted it back onto its two wheels. Planting it on the ground, she revved the engine to life.

"You all are useless!" she repeated driving off.


	6. Chapter 6: Qolly-Bolly

**[Richard McGuiness] "He…."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "No! We can't comment yet!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Goddamn it I hate this fucking script!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "So do I, but shut the hell up and watch!"**

* * *

Dion rubbed his sore forehead, having been taken to a nearby motel. He had it bandaged up from the huge punch that woman had delivered, something he noted with disdain. He hoped to find her again so he could kill her.

"Crazy bitch, I don't even know a Paula Picassa," he murmured walking towards the living room. "God I'm hungry. She messed me up real good when she hit me with her bike. I've burned at least a few thousand calories regenerating."

He stopped dead when he walked into the living room and saw who was there.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING HERE!?" exclaimed the Titan pointing.

"Why are you yelling?" asked Saprus calmly.

"Fuck man, I can't catch my favorite show," complained Alan.

"Hey Dion," taunted Paula Picassa, her helmet off to the side. She was trying to act cute, her eyes wide and her lips in a smile. Even still he could tell she was teasing him.

"Can someone explain to me what is going on!?"

"Well you see she's our newest teammate," said the infected.

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, Lilith just called in. Paula Picassa, the Mad Artist. She's our new teammate, the one we were supposed to meet."

She nodded and stood, walking towards him smoothly. "Yeah, I'm your newest best friend. Sorry I hit you with my bike."

She bent down and placed her forehead on his due to her height advantage over him, being at least four inches taller. "But if you want me to hit you with something else, I'd gladly do so."

"Ah, can't I get a turn?" asked Alan desperately.

"Just watch your show," snapped Saprus.

"I am not working with this crazy bitch!" protested Dion.

"I'm not that much of a bitch…" said Paula.

"If you aren't, ya wanna fool around with me?" inquired the priest slyly.

"Fool around?" repeated the rider innocently.

"Fool around, mess around, qolly-bolly!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"What the fuck does qolly-bolly even mean, anyway?" inquired Alan, which was odd considering how he brought up the question.

"How the hell should I know? I don't even know what you idiots are talking about!" snapped Dion.

"You see, it's an innuendo of sorts."

"What?"

"You know, like saying that something is Madden when you really when sport simulation games."

"I have no idea what you're going on about!"

"So what do you say Ms. Picassa?" asked the priest smoothly, his eyes slanted dangerously

"Eh?"

"Wanna qolly-bolly with me?"

"Like how?"

"It's not a how my dear, but a why and a when and a what. That's the beauty of qolly-bolly."

"Oh really?"

"Oh yes! It's quite literally the most stupendous, mesmerizing, downright fucking sexy thing that can be down between two lovers! Like Romeo and Juliet on aphrodisiac, like Troy and Helen on their wooden horse! God, it's one of the best things in the world!"

"Really?"

"Oh you have no idea! It's like a dream come true!"

Saprus sighed, feeling the need to bring his wisdom into the conversation. "Qolly-bolly, you…you use your hands like this."

He then moved both of his hands in a way that might've been used to craft a clay volcano, but that was rather ambiguous since he moved them so fast.

Paula nodded. "Oh. I'm already in that kind of relationship with Dion."

"What?!" spat the Titan confused.

"Really?" asked both of the other Vault Hunters. "How so?"

"Mouth to mouth," said the rider leaning into the Titan.

"Shut up! That was CPR and nothing more!" argued Dion.

"So, both of you are living in the same quarters, and you're both already qolly-bolly…" murmured the priest

"Who gives a shit if it's bolly or qolly?" asked the Titan aggravated.

Alan collapsed on the chair dramatically. "You're in a pervert's dream and yet you act like you're going to do it tonight…"

"I'm not doing anything!"

"And if that's the case, then such a thing must have a secret. And that secret…is HIDING UNDERNEATH YOUR HAIR!"

The priest frantically attacked him, grabbing at the green locks the Titan had. "Give it to me! I want the dream you got right in your pale palms you brat!"

"I don't even know what's going on!" roared Dion grappling him. "There isn't anything underneath my hair but skin!"

"Oh my" muttered Saprus. "He's jealous."

"Jealous of what?"

"Of the fact that you are qolly-bolly with Paula."

"I'm not nothing with that crazy bitch!"

"But you yourself admitted to it!" snapped Alan still trying to kill him.

"You're just assuming stuff you child-fucker!"

"I do NOT fuck children! That is a horrible stereotype thrown on us priests!"

"Stereotypes are usually based in facts!"

"You little brat! First you go qolly-bolly with Paula, then you insult me for being a disciple of God! Now I really am going to kill you, and become qolly-bolly with Paula myself!"

"You can have her! I don't even know what qolly-bolly is!"

"Oh, boys don't be so violent. I hate violence," murmured Paula with a small grin on her face.

"You don't act like it," noted Saprus coldly.

"Okay, that was a lie. I love violence. But Alan, you won't convince me of your worth by strangling your teammate. Oh excuse me, our teammate."

The priest immediately got up, bowing slightly. "Of course mademoiselle. I apologize for my behavior sincerely."

"You really are an ass-kisser, you know that?" asked Dion still recovering from the assault.

"Shut the fuck up you lucky perverted brat."

"I actually thought you were cool for a while," muttered the Titan dejected.

"I did too, but then you got all qolly-bolly on Paula as soon as you met her. Ugh, it disgusts me."

"For the last goddamn time, WHAT THE HELL DOES QOLLY-BOLLY MEAN?!"

* * *

Dion walked through the halls, combing his hair slightly. "God, I really hate that guy. I don't even understand why he's so mad. I don't like that bitch."

He got to his room and opened it. Since his day was progressively getting worse and worse, he knew what to suspect.

"What are you doing here?" asked the Titan coldly.

Paula Picassa looked up from her seat, smiling at him softly. "I was told to go in here. Apparently it's your room."

She pointed to the bunk beds. "Bottom bunk is yours, so I'll get the top. Seemed fair to me."

"Top bunk has my stuff," he spat angrily. "You can find somewhere else to sleep."

She pouted slightly, growing quiet for once. She almost looked embarrassed or ashamed, making him feel the same way.

He sighed and lay across his bed, too tired to deal with her. He decided that the simplest way to deal with this was to just go to bed and work a way around it in the morning.

"You're a Titan, aren't you? I can tell by the tattoos."

"Yeah." He didn't like talking about being a Titan, since it meant he had trouble even being near other people. Physical contact was dangerous, especially as the Plasma Titan. Which begged the question of why he felt a warm body so close to his own that wasn't melting…?

He bristled, realizing why her voice sounded so close.

"WHAT THE HELL!? WHY ARE YOU IN MY BED!?" he yelled frantically shying away from her. She had her chest pressed to him, her knees curled inwards to make herself look like a ball.

She looked at him with her head tucked down, a small pout on her face. "There's nowhere else to sleep. The top bunk has your stuff."

He snarled and grabbed his pillow. "Whatever."

He stepped out of his room, hoping to find some sanctuary in the living room.

"Goddamn women," he murmured aggravated. "Why can't they just be slightly sensible?"

"Having relationship issues?" inquired Alan still in his seat.

"You can have her," snapped the Titan lying across the couch. "She's too troublesome."

The priest grinned cheekily, his eyes brimming with the naughty thoughts in his brain.

"Dion," said Saprus quietly.

"What?" The Titan glanced at his old friend, his face annoyed.

"Try to be nice to her," said the infected. "She is our new teammate, not someone disposable. You'll have to get used to her."

"Not sure that's possible man," murmured Dion exasperated. "Man, why can't Taika or Baldemar be here? They're cool people. That chick though…God she's insane."

"So are you," argued Saprus.

"Well…I'm different, okay?"

The Titan sighed deeply, pushing his head into the pillow. "I don't hit my teammates with motorcycles, I don't get qolly-bolly or whatever with them, and I don't take their bed. I'm getting sick of her."

Saprus sighed defeated. "I understand. But take it easy okay? Who knows? Maybe you'll even come to like her."

Dion blushed slightly, turning away from them. "I doubt it."

Alan grinned slyly, having seen the red tint to his face. "Right. I completely believe that."

* * *

**Author: If you're wondering, the last two chapters were a parody of FLCL's first episode. I loved it so much I fanfic-ed it. What's fanfic? Well it's a word I just made up. If you haven't heard of FLCL, look it up. Or if not, just look up the first episode and find the scenes I parodied to make sense of what the hell just happened. **

**And you may have noticed how her character seems a little OOC if you use the character sheets in Vault Hunters Wanted as a reference. Well, I can evolve my own characters any way I please, and I liked her better this way. Hope you're enjoying this so far, because I sure am.**


	7. Chapter 7: Carnival Points

**[Richard McGuiness] "Okay Scott, I shall speak for most of our viewing audience, but what THE FUCK just happened?!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Isn't it obvious? Dion is qolly-bolly with Paula. Naughty little boy…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Holy crap, what does that even mean?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well ya see…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "You know what; I honestly don't want to know. So is this the next chapter?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I think so."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Good. Now first We need to discuss something."**

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"Don't do something stupid Rich."

******[Richard McGuiness] **"Okay, this is for the audience. We have literally gotten, in the four days we've been up on the air, 230 views from 74 different visitors."

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"That's pretty impressive, considering the usual views these stories get."

**"Yeah, but not a single damn review yet! I mean, seriously?"**

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"Rich, the numbers do speak for themselves."

******[Richard McGuiness] **"True dat, but I like feedback, and so does that coke-guzzling douchebucket we call a producer."

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"I guess you're right. Reviews are extremely appreciated, and hey, drop a few questions or comments in with them. We'd gladly answer any fan mail."

******[Richard McGuiness] **"But let me answer a question right now. Yes, Scott is completely and utterly fucking flaming."

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"It's more pansexual..."

******[Richard McGuiness] **"Moving on!"

The four Vault Hunters, two of them new, walked through Machina Medical with weapons drawn, all of them ready to fight. There wasn't any of the former animosity now that they were in combat, replaced with a cold efficiency that would've frightened any who passed.

"So what do you do Paula?" inquired Dion trying to make small talk.

"Oh, what do you have in mind Dion?" she asked sensually.

"Shit, I think my nose just burst an artery," muttered Alan wiping the blood from his face.

"I didn't mean it like that. What did you do before you were a Vault Hunter?"

"Oh, I was an artist."

"Interesting," noted Saprus calmly.

"What kind of art?"

"Explosions," she said smiling. "I am the Mad Artist after all. Best in the galaxy. Give me a detonator and I'll give you something to put in your museums."

"Ugh, art," spat Alan. "Attraction decreased to Level 37."

"Uncultured brute," murmured Paula. "I'm top-notch at what I do."

"Never saw the fucking point of doing shit like art. I'm a working man."

She snarled. "Art is work, you limp-brained monkey. What happened to kissing my feet like you did last night?"

"I just found out you do art. Not really my cup of tea."

Paula shrugged. "Whatever."

She then dramatically draped her arms around Dion's shoulders, nuzzling her head next to his. "Do you like art Dion? I really hope you do."

"Get off me," he said hastily. "We're on a battlefield."

"Oh please. The only ones here are you, me, and this stupid conscience you have built up."

She rubbed the straps of his suit on his shoulders teasingly. "Now if only your stupid conscience would just hurry up and die so we'd be all alone."

"Standing here awkwardly," murmured Alan.

"Get over it. It happens a lot," commented Saprus.

Dion brushed her aside. "I'm trying not to get shot. And I'm not interested."

"Oh, then what are you interested in Dion?"

He snarled. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Then how did you mean it?"

"Will you shut up and concentrate!? We're going to get killed at this rate!"

Paula smiled. "Fine. I'll concede."

They stopped at an intersection, glancing around in all four directions. The city was like a maze, all the streets looking near identical to the others. It was disorienting to say the least.

"Where would the head guy be?" asked Saprus.

"Well he usually stayed in this huge building near the center of town," stated Alan trying to remember the show from last year. "If my compass is correct then he should be…I have no fucking idea."

The infected sighed. "Useless."

"Hey, they changed it since last year! It wasn't this goddamn dark or constricting last year."

He stopped talking because he had just gotten fly-tackled by a humanoid robot painted tangerine orange. It wasn't the fact that it was orange that shut him up; it was more along the lines that the robot probably cracked a few of his ribs when he tackled him. It looked like it had an immense TV for a skull, unfortunately not displaying anything but static. Its body was extremely thin with only the hands and feet being cartoonish large, as if it had been exaggerated by some mad artist.

"And I don't remember the robots being this color!" roared the priest throwing the robot off him. Drawing his bayonets, he slashed at it in a backwards grip. Kicking it into a dumpster, he stabbed it in the head and ended its life.

**Trashed +100**

**Headshot +50**

**Beatdown +50**

**Total +200**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Nice work Alan!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I've seen better."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh please, try to be encouraging. That was his first kill. It'll get more interesting eventually."**

Alan grinned, spinning his blades in his hands. "Sick. Not bad considering how I was taken by surprise."

"Uh, what was that point thing?" inquired Dion.

"The more interesting the kills are, the more points you get," explained the priest glancing in the direction the robot had come from. "Points buy guns and loot. Ammo and med supplies are still in cash, but everything else is Carnival Points."

Dion looked to the side and saw more robots charging towards them. "I think I like this game."

He raised his shotgun and fired, tearing through the crowd. Running forward, he grabbed a robot by the arm and threw him into the wall. Planting his gun on its back, he blasted the thing clean through the wall with the sheer force.

**Splatterhouse +100**

**Spinal Tap +50**

**Total +150**

"Cool!" exclaimed the Titan excitedly, ideas already forming in his head.

Saprus unhooked his left gauntlet and fired a bolt of Plaque IX, eating through the robot's circuits. Coiling his fist, he smashed it in the side of the head and rammed it into a door. Drawing it out, he kicked it into its friends with a grenade lodged in its chest. They detonated, taking two other robots with it.

**Diseased +50 (Unique Kill)**

**Ding Dong +100**

**Grenade Belt +50**

**Bang Gang +50**

**Bang Gang +50**

**Bang Gang +50**

**Total +350**

"Most enjoyable," commented the infected chuckling. It was actually kinda fun if you let yourself slide into it.

Paula reached to her SDU and extracted a large explosive rifle. Placing it on her hip, she began releasing miniature grenades rapidly.

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Boom +50**

**Total +450**

"Bang!" yelled the artist with mad eyes, her face contorted into a huge grin as the shrapnel and heat flew around her.

"I'm kinda scared of her now," muttered Dion.

"Same," agreed Alan staring at her wide-eyed.

They walked out into the street and found that they had found a main avenue for travel. Or it would be if it wasn't full of hostile robots trying to kill them. Along the street was tons of debris just ready to be used for skillful killing, some of which didn't make much sense.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I gotta question, why did we never repair those open electrical outlets?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Are you a city engineer?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well, no…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Then shut the FUCK up! Those guys worked hard to create an optimum killing environment for our contestants and they don't need your stupid feedback."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Jackass…"**

Alan ran forward and slashed a robot twice in the arms, severing both of them. Kicking the robot in the chest, he propelled it into a large pit in the street. The android landed and was immediately fried by the open electrical circuits, its body jittering from the intense shock.

**One Arm Jack +50**

**One Arm Jack +50**

**Neural Shock +100**

**Total +200**

"Rise and shine jitterbug!" yelled the priest running further into the street.

Saprus glanced up and saw a large billboard hanging rather precariously on the edge of a building. Raising his gun, he fired and dislodged the sign. It smashed into a group of robots, their metal bodies offering no defense against the immense sign.

**Smart Advertising +100**

**Smart Advertising +100**

**Smart Advertising +100**

**Total +300**

"Wow. They really thought of everything," murmured the infected continuing his assault.

Dion raised his fist and smashed it into a car, propelling it forward with the force of, well, an airborne car. It rammed into a robot and pinned it to the floor, the weight of it keeping the android from rising. The Titan grabbed a grenade and lodged it into the remains of the car. It detonated quickly, the robot dying alongside it.

**Ford FU50 +100**

**Mined over Matter +50 **

**Total +150**

"Whoa! You can't have this amount of fun on most planets by law!" yelled Dion grinning from ear to ear.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "And that's the beauty of the Carnival of Carnage! Because legal repercussions would take far too long for us to sort out, so we just got rid of them!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Amen to dat man. A guy tried to sue me once because I killed him a few times in the tournament."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Did ya spawn-camp?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "No, not at all!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well as long as it wasn't spawn-camping, the contract covers any and all murders."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, my lawyer said the same thing."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "My lawyer tends to say things like: 'You have to tell people when you move into the neighborhood' or 'Rape is a very serious crime' and 'Those schoolchildren are going to need a ton of counseling now'. Not that big of a deal since I never listen, but still."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "You really are a sick fuck, you know that?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh really? What does your lawyer say a lot?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Stuff like 'That blood is never going to come off my briefcase' or 'Alcoholism destroys families' or 'It's called football, not soccer'. I killed him on the last one."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Just because he liked soccer?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "No, because he wanted me to call it football. You a fucking idiot?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I think you misunderstand something. You killed lawyer over a sport that has a rather ambiguous name. That's not very intellectual."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I'm gonna kill you over using those stupid smart-guy words at this rate."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Okay, shutting up now."**


	8. Chapter 8: A Glass of Champagne

The table was filled with nine chairs, only one of them at the table's end. Each of them were mostly identical, made of smooth metal and at least ten feet tall. The table had nine cups and plates corresponding to each one, all of them empty. It looked like it was ready for a meeting of some kind, which was exactly what was happening.

The occupants of the seats arrived, each one taking up a single seat. They settled in quietly, various servants pouring to fill their drinks and put food on their plates. It was like it had been rehearsed, another close truth.

The man who had black coffee poured into his cup and only a few wheat crackers on his plate spoke first. His skin was a deep brown, almost black in a way, and his eyes were a glowing blue color. His armor was a deep black color that was complimented by a shawl and a robe over his body, the sleeves having jagged ends as if they had been sawed off. "Can we get this shit moving? I have a very important meeting involving at least ten million in an hour and I'd hate to be late."

"Oi, shut the fuck up darkie!" snapped the man who had hard liquor and a chunk of rare beef on his plate. He was at least eight feet tall, towering over everyone even while seated. His hair was jet black and went all the way to mid-back in a wild fan pattern. His eyes were a rather odd shade of purple, contrasting rather well off his pale skin. Over his body was a bronze shirt and pants that appeared to be made of sheet metal, similar to armor in a way. Draped across his shoulders was a slightly different colored jacket, the sleeves hanging to the side and only a small clasp keeping it from dropping to the floor. "Jesus fucked; we didn't sacrifice a little something to get here."

"It's my money, something that I need to run my part of the park. You'd understand if you actually gave a shit about your district." The dark-skinned man bit down on a cracker, the noise akin to bones breaking with the volume.

"Oi, go fuck yourself! I built that piece of shit from the ground up, so you can lick my hairy dick like the gay faggot you are!" He ripped into his chunk of meat fiercely, the blood from inside pouring down his face making him appear like an animal.

"Good God you two," murmured the woman who had red wine and a few slices of bread. "Honestly, your comments are utterly atrocious." Her hair was a fierce crimson color, with locks that flowed and curled around her shoulders in a pattern that appeared both sophisticated and wild. Her eyes were a deep black that accented with her dark brown leather armor, which hugged her shapely form rather well from a neutral standpoint. Across her neck and shoulders was a long velvet scarf, with gold lining on both sides of it to add a nice detail to it.

"Oi, the bitch speaks," spat the giant snarling. "Dragola, no one wants to hear your goddamn bullshit. Bad enough they let your dumb ass out of the kitchen, let alone sit at this table with us men."

"If you make another sexist comment Masher, I will kill you," spoke the only other woman, one who had a cup of green tea and a collection of celery sticks. Her skin was a sun-beaten tan with black tattoos running up her arms, which were visible only because she wore a light blue vest with black pants. Her eyes were a penetrating yellow, akin to a predator, that seemed to stare into the darkness and see everything perfectly.

Masher sneered at her. "Sorry ma'am. I forgot you were here too. I would've included you if I had known."

"Do you wish to die today?"

"Please Elena, you don't scare me. Outside your little water park, you can't do shit. But me…"

He reached behind him and someone slammed a huge machine gun into his fist. He raised it across the table, putting it barely an inch away from Elena's face.

"I got this puppy," said Masher grinning. "23 kilograms in weight, 265 centimeters in length, 17mm explosive rounds dipped in anthrax. Fully automatic at 125 rounds per minute with a 250 round magazine. 2.3x detachable scope with a collapsible stock and fore grip. This thing eats pussy for breakfast."

"And yet you get absolutely none of that," said Elena calmly, seemingly not caring about the immense gun waving in her face.

"Ha! Owned!" spat the dark-skinned man grinning,

"Oh fuck off Tikari! Go back to your little bitch Viitta and rape him violently like you always do, you sick bastard."

"Says the only man in the room guilty of rape charges."

"The fuck you mean guilty?"

Masher grinned, almost proud of the accusation Tikari had made at him. "Man, I get away with all sorts of shit." He draped his arm across the man next to him. "Know what I'm saying Stan?"

The man next to him, who had mead and two turkey legs, looked at him like he was radiating sickness. The man, apparently named Stan, had a full set of steel armor including a helmet, which was off and placed next to his cup for politeness sake. His hair was a beige color with a short and neat cut, exposing his blue eyes and pale skin. Hanging across his back was a huge golden cape with two crossed swords as the emblem. He looked like a knight straight from a medieval fantasy game, completed by the lance lying on his chair from where he had set it. "Please get off me Masher."

"Oh right, sorry. Didn't mean to be gay on ya."

"That's not why I asked that," murmured the knight dryly.

"Well whatever. I am sorry though. A real man apologizes when he fucks up and takes his shit."

"You should learn from that," stated Tikari blankly.

"Oi! Did I ask for your opinion you dick?! I was talking to my best bud Stan!"

"I prefer the term acquaintance," said Stan abrasively.

"That word has too many syllables! UNACCEPTABLE!"

They all turned towards the man with an energy drink and a stack of protein bars. He was relatively short compared to most of them, but made up for this by his broad shoulders and firm jawline. His head was completely shaven and his eyes were a solid grey color, like metal in a bullet. Over his entire body was a white and yellow racing suit, which was also flame retardant and scoff-proof to those of you who were curious. Strapped to his wrists and ankles were a set of what appeared to be jet engines, with their function unknown. He also had a pair of skates on, the wheels being razor sharp if their edges were to be taken into account.

"Ah, Nitro, can you quiet down?" asked Dragola rubbing her ears. "I am right next to you after all. Just because you're related to Mister Torgue doesn't mean you need to speak so loudly."

"As much as I hate agreeing with that bitch, I kinda have to agree," said Masher. "I mean, really dude, why the fuck are you so loud? You're like an amp on LSD."

"Come on!" objected Nitro. "What's the point of living if you go through life quietly and smoothly?! Life is meant to be lived to its fullest, with absolutely nothing going to waste!" Just to accent this he bit into his protein bar, his teeth apparently metal as that action threw up sparks.

"Nitro, if you get any louder I'm going to shoot off your arm," threatened a man who had a cup of water and a bag of potato chips. He wore a long brown jacket over his body, his chest bare and exposing his mildly toned body. His pants were a dull tan that was stained with mud, making him appear like he had been working for a while. He was lying back in his seat with his leather boots on the table, the spurs sparking against the metal with every movement of his foot. His skin was a dirty tan color with pungent blue eyes and simple brown hair. Tucked into his jacket were two pistols, each of them nearly a foot long. These pistols were made of black metal with golden plates on both sides, giving them a rather interesting look. He appeared like a country boy in a way, with only the guns taking away from that look. And yes, he did have a cowboy hat.

The adrenaline junkie Nitro actually backed down, an action that was atypical to his character. He understood completely that the man before him was serious, as the death glares he was receiving nearly killed him outright.

"Fuck Jackal, little harsh much?" spat Masher grinning. "Leave the kid a break, he's been taking those energy shots like puffs on a blunt after all."

"Yeah, he is just a kid," objected Tikari.

"That kid better man up," snapped Jackal grimacing. "I'm trying to relax, and it's hard when you idiots are yelling and waving guns at each other."

"Oh fuck you!" roared the giant.

"Wanna die?" asked the cowboy narrowing his eyes.

"It'll take you hours at least," snarled Masher.

"Well I don't have hours, so whatever."

"Ha! I win."

"By default," pointed out Elena.

"Bitch, did I ask for your opinion? No I didn't, I asked for a goddamn sandwich!"

She rapidly reached over to Dragola's plate and grabbed two chunks of bread. Sliding a grenade in between them, she pulled the pin and tossed it at him.

"Here, eat up."

Masher grinned and grabbed the grenade. Tossing it behind him, he began eating the slices of bread even as the explosion rocked his chair.

"Not bad, but it could use more mayo," he spoke chewing the bread. "Damn Dragola, this is good fucking bread! What is this shit?"

"It's rye you idiot. You know Elena, I'd be mad that you stole some of my bread but you did try to kill him, so I appreciate that," said Dragola smiling.

"I'll try to remember that," stated Elena blankly.

Stan began to pick out the chunks of shrapnel in his armor, having had the grenade blast some of it into his body. "I'd appreciate if you didn't do that again actually. It takes forever to repair and I prefer doing more important tasks."

"Sure, I'll refrain from doing so."

"Got that bitch on a leash eh? Impressive," noted Masher.

"No I do not," spoke Stan firmly. "Stop assuming that."

Someone tapped a pencil on the table, prompting everyone to stop talking at look at him. This man had a glass of champagne and no food near him, his overall appearance similar to an aristocrat. He was seated at the end of the table, the only seat at the table's end. He wore an impeccable tuxedo with a golden tie, solid gold buttons on his jacket and cuffs. His hair was straight and with one solid cut at his chin, making him appear very clean and precise. His eyes were, oddly enough, colored completely white, as if they lacked color.

"It's good to see you all again," stated the man calmly, absolutely no indication that he had cared or even noticed their odd interactions. "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"I get the feeling we're here for an important reason," stated Elena analytically. "We already had our first meeting when the Carnival started, so this must be for something else."

The man nodded, sipping his champagne slowly. "We have to discuss our newest contestants who just arrived."

"If they just arrived, they'd be in Suture's place," stated Dragola.

The final man at the table, one who sat at the farthest chair away from all of them, didn't even look up. On his plate was a small rodent-like animal that was pinned there with needles, squirming in pain but making no noise. The man was tearing into the thing with a small scalpel, blood covering his sleeves. He tugged the knife and a blast of gore smashed into his glasses, but he didn't react in the slightest. He was seated in a rather odd fashion, his feet on the seat of the chair with his lower body folded into itself, similar to a crouch.

"Doctor Suture, you informed us of this problem, can you elaborate?" asked the suited man politely.

"One second please," objected Suture staring deeply into the specimen on his plate. He reached into his cup and extracted a small chocolate, popping it into his mouth rapidly. He swallowed it and stretched out his hand.

"Nurse, Blade 4 please."

A white gloved hand dropped a new blade in his hand, the edge jagged with multiple tearing edges.

"Thank you," said the doctor twirling it in his hand. Extracting what looked like a beating heart, he sliced it clean open. Blood flew like a geyser in front of him, his glasses catching more of it on the surface.

"Most satisfactory," muttered Suture. His hair was the color of straw and had the same texture, hanging loosely down to his chin. His eyes were two different colors, one of them jungle green and the other ice blue. Across his entire body were long lines full of crimson stitches, like he had been dissecting himself. His dress was a clean white shirt with blue jeans, casual attire for a doctor. His glasses were circular shaped and fairly thin, the metal supports being barely a few millimeters thick.

He reached into his pocket and extracted a bloody handkerchief. Wiping his glasses, he glanced up at his associates. "We have just enrolled the Crimson Raiders as our newest contestants. I don't even need to tell you how dangerous this situation has become."

"Crimson Raiders? Who are those queers?" inquired Masher.

"Pandora natives trying to expand their territory," elaborated Stan. "Allied with Torgue, Vladof, Jakobs and Hyperion. In a war with Bellum, Tediore and Maliwan."

"Impressive," noted Dragola.

The suited man nodded. "Indeed. Now with such powerful contestants, it is highly likely we will have to acknowledge the notion that we will have to give away the grand prize."

They all stopped dead, surprised by his words.

"Uh…what's the grand prize anyway?" inquired Masher.

"Seriously? You've been here for like six years," spat Jackal irritated.

"We've never had a guy who challenged us. No one even got past me. The last champion was like, eight years ago."

The suited man sighed. "The prize is, always has been, a Vault. We settle specific planets not for legal reasons or anything, but because of that one restriction."

"What's inside this one?" asked Elena calmly.

"Loot more likely than not," stated Stan. "That's all it appears to be nowadays."

"Except when it holds monsters or some odd space crap," noted Tikari. "I hope it's loot. If no one wins, we get the money inside."

"That's what we do?" questioned Masher. "That's a bitch move really."

"Money is money," objected Tikari.

The suited man tapped his pencil again, drawing their attention. "If we must give the grand prize away, it'll be the first time in eight years. Not only that, we must assure they are unaware of our other resources. Out of all of us, you understand this best Doctor Suture."

"Of course," stated the doctor. "There are numerous specimens I cannot allow out of my domain. Not just me though. If I am correct, you all have secrets you don't want to share."

He grinned, revealing that all his teeth were razor sharp and edged jaggedly. "So I recommend you all put forth your best effort, otherwise we're looking at serious legal repercussions. After all, some of our secrets go against interplanetary laws that even we must uphold."

"Ain't that the fucking truth," spat Masher. "God, shit would hit the goddamn fan if they would something in my area."

"Why are we concerned if they find anything?" inquired Tikari. "Remember, half the entire galaxy's corporations don't acknowledge them, not to mention they have no say in any other planetary governments, so it isn't like they could get the message out."

"That's not what I'm worried about," said the suited man. "I'm worried about someone getting and using our secrets for themselves. Some of them are very potent. I will not blame you if you are defeated, as that's part of the contest after all, but I am counting on you to keep your secrets. For once, I want you to keep them to yourselves. No matter the cost."

They all nodded, each of them knowing exactly what he wanted to keep secret.

"Of course Mr. Vangorium," spoke all of them at once, as if it had been rehearsed.

Mr. Vangorium grinned. "Thank you. I wish you luck Doctor Suture. You have them first."

The doctor chuckled, lazily prying at the specimen he had killed barely a minute ago. "I hope they're more interesting than this thing. Didn't entertain me for more than fifteen minutes."

He ran his fingers over his jagged scalpel, tearing through his skin and muscles. Even as he did so, it began to heal rapidly, sewing itself together with red stitches the color of blood. "I can't wait to dissect them."


	9. Chapter 9: The Good Doctor

**[Richard McGuiness] "Okay, why weren't in the last chapter?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Rich, we're not allowed in the leader meetings remember? Those happen out of our broadcasting orbit, so we can't pick them up."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Then how do we know it happened?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well they tell us when they're meeting, but we can't go in."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well that makes no fucking sense at all."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Tell me about it. Anyway, I overhead who the new leaders are. They got a few new guys too."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Let's spill it."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well first is Doctor Suture, a new guy. Real crazy fuck, but compared to some of the other people he's pretty sane. After that is both Dragola and Brittlebine, who run a district together. Cute couple to be honest, if you consider freaks of nature cute. Third is Viitta and Tikari, the infamous Immortal Combo."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Oh fuck those guys run the district now?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yep. Fourth is Masher, that same asshole for the last six years. Fifth is Knight Stan the Planet Slayer, that guy who split a mountain once. Is that a true story by the way?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Totally. I saw it. Then he split the planet in half."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Hence the Planet Slayer name."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Exactly the point."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well let's continue the list. Sixth is Elena Tear, the Shark Maiden. Seventh is Nitro, that guy who's related to Mister Torgue. Finally, we got Jackal Cash, the same cowboy fucker we've had since the beginning."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Goddamn right. I hate that prick."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Most people do. Unless you bet on him, in which case trying to procreate with him is a desired goal."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Sex with Jackal? God, I'm not sleeping tonight now."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Don't you have insomnia?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well that fucking image isn't going to help me none!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oops. Sorry."**

"It's been two days," murmured Saprus sitting on the couch, having returned to their same motel as last time. He changed the channel lazily, not really watching the programs on the television. "We haven't even found where this lead guy is supposed to be, nor any of his subordinates that we've been warned about."

"True. I'm getting goddamn sick of this shit," spat Alan Fitzgerald sharpening his bayonets. "Usually it's either the center of town or the highest point, but we've checked both and it's not there. I mean, this bastard is a new one, so it's likely he changed the way it looks, but it would still be obvious for contest reasons."

"Gentlemen, I have a far more important matter to bring up," snarled Dion, who was suppressing his anger at the moment but barely keeping it in check.

"Go on," said the infected calmly.

"Okay. CAN WE PLEASE GET PAULA TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!?"

"You're still on that crap?" inquired the priest surprised. "Man, you need to let that shit go."

"That's not the point," objected the Titan. "I have been sleeping on this goddamn couch for so long I think I developed a case of scoliosis, not to mention I can't fap in the bathroom because it smells like undiluted asshole, and with Paula practically grinding against me all day I am beginning to get 'irritated' if you catch my drift."

"Oh. Well no wonder you are so mad," stated Saprus understandingly. "I'd be mad too, if I wasn't celibate of course."

"How can you be celibate?" questioned Alan. "I tried and failed in the same fucking hour."

"It's easy when you've been married."

"Oh, you married?"

"I was."

"Oh…shit…sorry?"

"It's no big deal."

"Can we get back to the issue at hand?" asked Dion gritting his teeth.

"Oh, right," stated the priest. "Well greenette here needs to blow a load soon or he's going to have a goddamn nervous breakdown, so that is a bit of a problem. Hmm, what to do?"

"Just get her out of my room for at least a half hour…" began the Titan.

"Wait, you take a half hour?"

"Uh…yeah…"

Alan whistled. "Hot damn Jim Bean, I'm kinda jealous actually. And a small bit hurt in the pride region."

Saprus chuckled. "Well, how are we going to explain it to her?"

Suddenly Paula appeared, shuffling casually by. "Hey boys, I'm heading out for a half hour. Bye."

Then she left without another word.

"Uh…"

"Wow. You lucky sum-bitch," stated Alan. "That kinda shit never happened to me."

"Shouldn't we ask her where she's going?" asked Saprus concerned.

"Naw, she's a big girl," objected Dion standing up. "Well gentlemen, I am not wasting a second of this valuable time, so goodbye."

As soon as he left, the priest glanced at the infected. "If he was smart he would've waited five minutes to make sure she didn't come back."

Saprus chuckled. "Yeah, I would've anyway. But knowing Paula, she'd probably join in if she found him…you know…"

"Yeah. He starts with single player campaign, then winds up in co-op multiplayer. Lucky green-haired bastard."

* * *

Paula walked down the streets nonchalantly, her gauntlet on her fist in case anyone tried anything. She was trying to find a store where she could buy some more clothes, as she was rapidly running out of new ones. Having to replace them when they got torn to crap every day was getting expensive.

"I thought I saw a Hall-mart somewhere near her," she murmured biting her index finger. "I hate big business, but at those prices I can't resist."

She turned a corner and saw a man standing near the lamp post, a rather odd spot since most serial killers opted for the alleyways. This one was dressed in a plain white T-shirt that hung off his body loosely, a pair of simple jeans on his legs. He wore a pair of large glasses that slid down to his nose, revealing his two mismatched eyes. His skin had hundreds of stitches everywhere, each patch of skin being a different shade of grey. He looked like some kind of zombie, especially with the bags under his eyes and loose hair.

"Cold night," commented the man casually.

She nodded and kept walking, her gauntlet already turned onto its highest setting. Creeps came in all fashions, and while this one didn't look that powerful he could easily have friends. She knew this better than anyone.

"You know, I don't walk the streets often," murmured the man looking around at the craggy conditions. "I never realized how dark they get at night. I'd change that, but I don't think I can afford to pay a higher electrical bill."

He shrugged. "Oh well. Guess that's my problem, considering how I run this section of the park."

He stopped and leaped to the side, Paula filling the space with her gauntlet charged up. She had reacted instantly to what he had said, never once giving him a chance.

She reached to her ECHO to contact her team when a breeze blasted past her neck and shot the device clean off. She glanced at the mark it left. It was a huge bloodstain, but this blood was crimson, almost black color compared to her own.

"Did he…?"

She looked at the guy and stopped.

The man had his arm out in a straight line, his right hand fairly loose. Floating around his arm was the same crimson blood, rising from a single wound on the back of his hand. He appeared calm, as if the notion of his blood being weapons was old to him.

"Oh? Have I found a specimen worthy of my time?" he asked adjusting his glasses with his left hand. "That'd be nice. It's been a while since I've had Vault Hunter…"

He grinned, showing his sharp teeth. His eyes glowed in excitement, giving him an incredibly scary aura. "I'm going to be inside you. Does that scare you?"

"Fucking creep," spat Paula drawing her shotgun. "Eat buckshot you dick-licker."

"Oh, nasty," murmured the man. "Call me by my real name…"

He flicked his right arm and a huge blade appeared from the blood, wrapping around his hand to form a fine point nearly two feet away from the tips of his fingers. Each side was jagged like a saw blade, giving it a mean edge and a menacing appearance.

"I'm Doctor Suture, your doctor for the evening," he said adjusting his glasses again. "Allow me to examine you. The doctor knows best."


	10. Chapter 10: For Science!

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "You know, watching that fight between Paula and Suture, I couldn't help but be reminded of last Friday night."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah. The screams of agony, the tears, the inevitable chaining and restraining…"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "The similarities are uncanny."**

"Yo man, where's Paula?" asked Alan drinking milk from the carton. "I ain't seen her since last night."

"Same," stated Saprus casually eating into a stack of pancakes. "I am beginning to get worried."

"Well she is a grown bitch, but she was alone. Man, I don't even know."

They kept eating breakfast for a moment before the infected noticed something.

"So it was you who were drinking out of the carton," spat Saprus aggravated.

"Hey, sorry," stated Alan grinning slyly.

"Me and Axton hung Jessup on a flagpole for that one. You showed up on the first day at the Crimson Falcon and you drink out of the carton, reset all the Favorites on the TV, and top it off by eating all the Nutella."

"And I stole one of Gaige's bras," finished the priest chuckling.

"How's that a big deal?"

"It was the one she was wearing. I sneaked into Baldemar's room when they were sleeping and took it. Come to think of it, I should be getting a phone call by now."

As if his words spoke magic, his phone rang.

"Oh, that's her," said Alan giggling. He answered it and held it out a foot from his ear. "Yello?"

"ALAN FITZGERALD YOU FUCKING PERVERT GIVE ME MY BRA BACK!" screamed Gaige on the opposite line, the noise actually rattling the bowls and glasses on the table at their end.

"Hey, come and get it," taunted the priest. "I took all the others too, so unless you're willing to commando, you ain't getting it back."

"If Baldemar knew you did this, he would peel your dick like a banana," threatened the schoolgirl.

"Hey, he can go ahead and try. I'm immortal remember? He can try all day long and I wouldn't die. Besides, I'm sure he's grateful in a way. Easier for him to get what he wants outta ya, at least that's how I see it."

"ALAN!"

"Well see ya later Gaige. Gotta say, purple looks really good on you."

He held up a purple brassiere from his jacket pocket, grinning as he examined it. "What size are you? B?"

"I will fucking murder you!"

"Whatever. Tatty bye!"

He hung up and burst into laughter, tucking the brassier into his pocket. "Shit, that was way too fun!"

"She really is probably going to kill you, you know?" said Saprus calmly.

"Please, I really am immortal. I can be wounded and incapacitated, but I won't die. You can atomize me and I'll come back in a few days even without a New-U Station. Hurts like a bitch, but it's easy for me."

"Being a Grave Knight sounds so interesting," noted the infected.

"Well it fucking sucks, especially the beginning part. You know; the sociopathic tendencies, night terrors, insomnia, endless lust, shit that would fuck with anyone's head."

Dion suddenly appeared, his hair in a huge mess. "Guys!"

"What? You finally got that shit out of your system?" inquired the priest. "You look like you got fucked by a train man."

"He's right," agreed Saprus. "You look…flustered."

"Where's Paula?"

"Ah, is your morning wood not going away?" asked Alan grinning. "Need a feminine touch?"

"Shut the hell up! She didn't come back last night did she?"

"No," answered the infected twirling his fork. "I was getting worried as well."

"Why do you care? I thought you hated her?" inquired the priest leaning back in his chair.

"I don't hate her," objected the Titan. "I'm just extremely aggravated by her presence alone. But she is my teammate. If I lose her, we have to get another one. And with my luck, that new teammate will probably be twice as annoying."

"True," stated Saprus nodding. "We should look for her."

"Fine, but after breakfast," argued Alan. "I just figured out the puzzle of the back of your cereal box. You ever notice how you only read these damn things when you're actually eating cereal?"

"I think that's the point," said the infected wisely. "It's not like you wake up one day and decide to do a simple crossword puzzle on the back of a food product package. But when you're eating cereal, you're probably so bored you're willing to do anything to entertain yourself."

"That sounded really fucking smart."

"I took economics in college and minored in psychology. The combination is very potent, believe me."

"And yet you ended up shooting assholes for cash."

"Hey, a Vault Hunter is a very prosperous career, believe me. I make twice as much as I used to."

Dion sat down beside them and began eating into a chunk of rare meat. Then he stopped.

"So you were the one drinking out of the cartoon you bastard!" snapped the Titan enraged.

"Guilty as charged," said the priest beaming.

* * *

Paula woke up covered in white lights, standing straight up with her arms and legs strapped to a table. If her experience was correct, she would be aching in three specific parts of her body.

"Well, two of them appear fine," she determined cracking her sore jaw. "But that punch in the face probably wasn't good for me."

She sighed. "Damn it. I find the guy who leads this place and I don't even tell my teammates. And now I'm tied up in what looks like a surgery room. This is not a good sign."

Someone appeared in the white light, the same man who had attacked her. Doctor Suture. His attire was just like it had been last night, except it was clean now. Before he had gotten it covered in his own blood from his techniques, turning the white shirt a deep cherry. But now he looked no worse for wear, except a few additional stitches on his upper body.

He grinned at her and flicked his glasses up his nose. "Oh my. You look so adorably helpless in that position."

"Not the kinkiest I've been in," she said smirking cheekily. "To be honest, this isn't very exciting. I feel like I'm in a doctor's office. And I don't have a doctor or nurse fetish, so you're going to have to try a little harder if you want me excited."

"Oh, that's not what I meant at all" he said brushing a strand of hair from his eyes. "You are in a perfect position for me to begin my work."

He paced in front of her, showing a casualness that was rather uncanny considering his odd abilities and habits. "I am a scientist as well as a doctor you see. The Hippocratic Oath was reduced to a minor Hippocratic Suggestion when I figured out how I can really help people. If one must die to save ten that is good enough for me. If a thousand must die to save a million, even better. I will do no harm if it does not benefit me or anyone else, but if it has its benefits, I will never hesitate. I guess that makes me a bad doctor, but a good scientist. I can settle with that."

He snapped his fingers and a nurse entered, one wearing a very suggestive outfit. The top of her uniform barely covered her large breasts, the skirt passing to maybe a third of the way down her thigh. Not to mention the fact that she wore perfectly red lipstick and black heels.

"I can tell someone has a nurse fetish," murmured Paula.

"I won't deny that," agreed Suture blushing slightly. "You don't mind, do you Nurse?"

The nurse smiled gently. "Of course not Good Doctor. I chose this outfit, did I not?"

"Well that's true, so I won't feel bad about it. Now, what will I do to this subject?"

He rubbed his temples. "Shit, I totally forgot what I was going to do. I should've started yesterday and not waited till the morning. Damn my forgetfulness."

He sighed. "Okay then, bring the wheel."

The nurse nodded and walked into the shadows, returning a few seconds later. She was dragging a large table with a roulette wheel in the center, words written in each space of the wheel. It looked like something you'd see in a game show, except the words weren't prizes or money.

"Now…let's spin the wheel," he murmured grabbing the side. He then spun it violently, throwing the thing into a fast frenzy.

Paula's heart skipped a few beats as she studied the various things listed on the wheel. Each one was slightly more disturbing, some of them things she hadn't even heard before. The simplest ones were also the most terrifying, as they only listed a body part. If she was correct, then whatever body part that it landed on was one she'd lose. She desperately hoped it didn't land on one of those, as she had no doubt he wouldn't hesitate to remove something like an eye or a leg.

It began to slow, taunting her with the options she could receive. It was like watching a blade being put to your neck and being unable to dodge or even block it. It was psychologically torturous, and he hadn't even touched her yet.

"Hmm, Fridge," murmured Suture rubbing his chin. "Haven't gotten that one in a while. But it's about time I cleared that out."

He snapped his fingers and the nurse walked back into the shadows. She returned with what looked like a regular fridge, with only the outside being slightly dirty. Though judging by his oddities, it could literally contain anything.

Suture nodded firmly and opened it. Shuffling inside casually, he began musing to himself aloud.

"Let's see, what shall I try today? Blueberry, blackened tuna, spiced rum, oh. That looks good."

He extracted several ingredients from the fridge and moved to a nearby table. Pouring a black liquid into a small mixer, he combined it with a yellow and green one alongside a dark brown one. Shaking the mixer violently, he poured it into a glass with crushed ice.

"Here you go," he said handing it to her calmly.

Paula looked at the drink nervously. It didn't smell funny, hell it smelled like a rum and Coke. But it could've been poisoned with something from his Fridge, so anything was possible.

"If you don't drink it, I'll gladly spin the wheel again," he offered calmly.

She leaned forward and took a sip, determined not to die today from losing her heart or lung.

As soon as she tasted it she moaned. It was freaking delicious! It appeared to be a bourbon and Coke mix with some citrus in it as well, which was surprisingly good.

"What do you think?" he inquired casually.

"It's really yummy!" she said drinking more of it.

"Just as I thought. These expiration dates are useless."

She stopped, her eyes wide in horror.

"I did tell you I haven't cleared out that Fridge in a while."

"How long is a while?"

"Let's see…two months?"

She vomited up the concoction, her throat stinging from her bile.

Suture wiped the vomit off his glasses, not at all bothered by her reaction. "Everyone reacts that way when I tell them that."

He quickly pulled out a small notebook from his pocket and began jotting something down. "Yes, and until you figured out that it was expired you thought it was perfectly normal. Very interesting. Human psychology is just as interesting as the physiology."

He stopped writing and looked up at her. "Well, it's only fair that you do only one spin on the wheel. That's all I make anyone do."

He pointed at her with his pencil. "Nurse, take her down and send her to her comrades. I'm done for now."

He paused, beckoning the nurse to stop. "Wait a second though."

Suture raised his left hand and moved with two fingers towards her face. She instintictlevly backed up in fear of him tearing out an eye or something, but he instead jammed them into her mouth. She, to her eternal embarrassment, took a half-lick of her fingers out of…well…instinct. He then scooped some of the bile from her throat and put it into his own mouth, tasting it thoroughly.

"Hmm, your bile is odd," he noted without the slightest disgust at what he had just done. "I'd recommend more citrus in your diet. You appear to be Vitamin C deprived. And…"

He reached to the side of her neck with his other hand and wiped the sweat off, sweat that had accumulated when she was stressing out over the wheel. He licked his fingers, analyzing the taste.

"You also need to lay off the sodium," he advised casually. "Your sweat is more salt than water and that's unhealthy."

He shrugged. "Other than that, you're perfectly healthy."

The nurse untied Paula and helped her to her feet, the vomiting session and being tied down for so long making it difficult to move.

"You can go," said Suture smiling gently. He held up a small plastic-wrapped treat. "Lollipop?"

**In case you are wondering, that drink she was served is called the Umbreon cocktail. It's coke and bourbon mixed with lemon and orange juice. I would recommend it since it sounds tasty (can't drink it since my family doesn't believe in bourbon) but make sure to look it up before you start throwing shit together. Oh, and don't leave them out for two months like Suture. **


	11. Chapter 11: Hello Nurse!

**[Richard McGuiness] "Scott, I thought you said this Suture guy was kinda normal."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I did."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well tying people up and showing food down their throats isn't exactly Mr. Rogers kinda shit, now don't ya think?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I said he was normal compared to everyone else."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well…we do have guys like Masher, so I guess he is kinda normal. Sure he might tear a kidney or hand off, but at least he'll bandage it for you."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ya, Masher will just fuck you in half."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Have experience with that Scott?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "No actually. I thought you would, considering how you're a Carnival veteran."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Ugh, don't remind me. I fought Masher. That asshole…did…things to me…"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh….kinky things?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!"**

"And then he shoved it down my throat!" exclaimed Paula weeping on the couch dramatically, a huge bundle of tissues in front of her. She kept sobbing, her theatrics being mildly entertaining if it wasn't so believable.

Alan had a rather violent nosebleed when she said that last sentence. "Goddamn it!" he roared running out of the room.

Saprus gritted his teeth. "Son of a bitch. This guy is messed up."

Dion glanced at him casually, a red lollipop in his hand. "He's got some nice candy though."

"That's my lollipop!" snapped the artist.

"Hey, you're using my room."

She snarled. "Asshole-kun. I got this close to a dissection. I'm very unstable right now."

"Oh please. You probably wanted him to dissect you anyway."

"Well…"

"See? She's faking it."

"I ain't faking shit! I'm sicker than a dog!" she spat. Then she coughed, shivering slightly underneath the blankets. "Goddamn it, that stuff really was old. I probably got tetanus in my lower intestines right now."

"Think you'll make it?" inquired the infected.

"Maybe. I can't tell."

"Uh…guys…"

They all glanced at Alan, who was still bleeding rather profusely from his nose. He grasped at it but it kept pouring down his face, the blood never ceasing.

"I can't stop it!" he exclaimed panicked. "Fuck what do I do?"

"Isn't there a clinic nearby?" asked Dion.

"After what I've been through, that sounds like a really bad idea" informed Paula.

"Naw, this one's run by Anshin. You should be fine" stated Saprus. "But bring your bayonets, right?"

The priest nodded and walked out of the door, holding his face in a futile attempt to stop the bleeding.

"Damn it, it's not usually this bad."

* * *

"Ah, it's simple" stated the nurse calmly, glancing at her clipboard as she studied the priest. "Extreme case of osteoperverseness. Happens with guys with little self-control in the sexual regions."

"That's a fucking lie" spat Alan. "I very much have…well…you may be right actually."

"The doctor is always right" said the nurse smiling. She turned to the medicine cabinet behind her.

The priest checked her out, surprised by her outfit. It looked like something a stripper would wear. Jesus, it barely covered anything at all, especially in the back.

"Never thought they'd let you get away with that skimpy-ass outfit" he said casually, grinning in his typical perverted fashion. "It looks goddamn sexy on you, praise be to God."

She giggled, her face still turned away. "Thank you Mr. Fitzgerald. Most people can't even speak with my outfit on."

"Well, even with a case of osteowhateverthefuck I'm still able to communicate" he spoke beaming. "I'm used to sexy sights after all. I look myself over in the mirror every day before breakfast and after dinner."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Let's just say my bayonets aren't the only thing I gotta two-hand sometimes…"

"I lied by the way" murmured the nurse casually.

"Eh?"

"You are sick, but the name is a lie" said the nurse grinning maliciously, her entire demeanor now creepy. "It's a simple toxin that Suture developed. It won't even stop bleeding unless you get the antidote."

Alan leaped forward with a bayonet already in his fist, more blood pouring from his nose.

"Bad idea."

He got stabbed in the chest with a scalpel, the razor blade digging into his shoulder. He swung even with the blade lodged there, his muscles obeying despite the agony they were in.

The nurse ducked under it and grabbed Alan in a Nelson. Smashing his head into the counter, she nibbled at his earlobe. "You really are a nice specimen. Suture will love to have you."

She noticed how the nosebleed had stopped and her eyes widened. "But…how…? If you ran out of blood, you should be dead."

"Grave Knight" objected Alan grinning. "I don't need blood."

He flipped onto the counter, smashing her between him and the surface. "But you do."

He rolled out of her grip and raised his weapons. "Heh, I was hoping we'd be doing something physical in this clinic, but I didn't think it'd be this."

The nurse shook the daze out of her head and got off the counter, a set of scalpels in between every knuckle. "Since you're about to die, I might as well tell you my name. I am Nurse Katelyn, and I will be performing your operation today."

She threw a scalpel at him that slashed through his left cheek. He grimaced and dodged the next three, spinning towards her with his arms out to catch her if she tried to escape.

He hit her twice in the stomach, tearing the already skimpy nurse's outfit to ribbons. He paused, a new nosebleed escaping.

"Goddamn it that backfired" he murmured throwing the blood off his face.

She grinned and grabbed a hacksaw nearby, slashing it in huge arcs at him. Hitting him in the chest, she hit all the way down to a lung and ruptured it. Blood exploded from the wound, but he barely noticed.

Alan grabbed a nearby tray and smashed it again her head, sending her reeling. Gripping it tightly, he began bashing it repeatedly against her skull until it snapped in half.

Nurse Katelyn grabbed the medical cabinet and ripped the door off. Blocking his next series of strikes with it, she pushed him into the wall with it.

The priest grabbed the door and ripped it out of her hands. Raising it high, he smashed it clean through her, lodging her in the wood. Kicking her into the table, she collapsed and tried desperately to get back up. The door prevented her from doing, so as it had caught on the edge of the table and locked itself there.

Alan grabbed an oxygen tank nearby and pulled out a lighter. Planting the tank against the wall, he raised his bayonet.

"Burn bitch" he snapped smashing it clean through the tank.

A huge blast of oxygen flew from the tank and he placed his burning lighter underneath it.

The trail of air burst into flames, cooking Nurse Katelyn in blue flames. She screamed in agony as flesh boiled and the door caught ablaze trapping her in fire in all directions.

Then she exploded, blood pooling across the clinic like paint.

**Countered +50**

**Beatdown +50**

**Lunch Tray Genocide +100**

**Ding Dong +100**

**Set Fire to the Air +100**

**Burn the Bitch +100**

**Mini-Boss Encounter +500**

**Total +1000**

"Goddamn" murmured Alan throwing the remains of the oxygen tank away. "That was tough."

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Nice work Alan! That was pretty creative, especially with that door thing!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I didn't think the game would count that as a Ding Dong skill, but what the hell, it added points to his score. Gotta say, that was pretty brutal."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well good thing all major people in this contest respawn, including the mini-bosses."**

"Oh shit she respawns?" asked the priest terrified. "I'm getting out of here."

He stopped and noticed a syringe on the ground labeled ALAN ANTIDOTE. He shrugged and chugged the thing. It did have his name on it.

"Hmm, tastes like an Umbreon cocktail" he noted walking out of the clinic casually.


	12. Chapter 12: First Boss

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Hey Rich, I got a question."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, you appear to have a lot of those."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Anyway, if the Carnival revives all major people in this contest, how do we replace the 8 leaders? I mean, didn't the guy before Suture die?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well you see Scott, sometimes Mr. Vangorium doesn't want someone coming back. They've gotten boring or they're just too weak to be of any fun. So we just cut them from the reviving stations."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Damn, that's kinda cruel."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Hey, no pain no game man. Half the fun is wondering if you'll come back again."**

"So now half our team has been attacked by Suture and his associates" murmured Saprus calmly eating into a sandwich, his mask hanging loosely around his neck and his large hat on his head. "We need to track him down and finish this."

"Once we do, we can get our asses to the next area" stated Alan leaning back in his chair, his feet propped onto the table.

"Well let's deal with Suture first" said Paula munching on an apple, her stomach flu completely gone. "We don't have any clue where he is. I barely remember the room I was in and he knocked me out when he took me out of it."

"Maybe there's a map or something?" offered Dion. "I mean, surely someone figured it out. We aren't the only ones in this contest, are we?"

"Hell no. There are a ton of others doing this. You can start wherever you fucking feel like it, but this one was ranked lowest on difficulty" explained the priest. " Believe me; this shit gets harder and harder."

"Really?"

"Totally. But let's concentrate on Suture."

Paula leaned forward, as she had fought him before. "Suture is a very odd fighter, as he uses his blood for weapons. He can fire them like bullets from his hands or use them as blades. He also can make vines out of them to ensnare and capture his opponents like he did to me. He isn't a melee fighter though, as he's pretty slow. I could land a few blows on him before he could even dodge."

"I can do that" said Alan grinning. "Hell, I am immortal after all. He'd have to tear me to pieces just to get me to respawn at a New-U Station, but it'd take time."

"I got regeneration" stated Dion. "And while this guy sounds terrifying, I'm sure I can manage."

"I can became Ethereal, so that gives me an advantage" muttered Saprus. "The only one here I don't trust getting close to him is you Paula."

She scowled. "Please. I'm nearly as tough as the greenette over here."

Just to prove this she pulled out a pistol from her SDU and shot herself right in the neck. The bullet ate through the skin and muscles, blasting clean through her. Then the flesh began to grow back, boiling like wax and sliding back into place.

"That's fucking gross" spat Alan.

"That's hot" murmured Dion with a small bit of blood leaking from his right nostril.

The infected sighed. "Okay, I guess we should head out. Someone just posted the coordinates of his hideout, so we don't need to hunt him down. Let's kill this bastard."

* * *

"So Alan, what's your special ability?" inquired Dion glancing at him curiously.

"The fuck you mean by that?"

"I mean, what kinda thing is unique about you, you know besides immortality. For example, I shoot plasma beams out of my hands and get really pissed off. Saprus fires a bolt of disease that makes Black Death look like the common cold. What kinda cool thing you got?"

Alan grinned. "I only use it in good combat. I get the feeling I'll need it today, so you can see it in person."

"Fair enough. So what can you do Paula?"

"Oh, whatever you want Dion!" exclaimed the artist hugging him tightly. "I'm yours and yours alone to do whatever you please!"

"Lucky. Bastard" spat the priest aggravated.

The Titan shoved her away. "Stop doing that. What do you even see in me anyway?"

"A handsome courageous rogue who is hiding a heart of gold in his brittle exterior" replied Paula dancing elaborately around him, brushing her hands across his chest in a melodramatic fashion.

"Well I'm courageous and brittle, but I sure ain't a rogue and I don't have a heart of gold" snapped Dion coldly.

"What about handsome?" questioned Saprus.

"That's a personal opinion."

"Well you're downright drop-dead gorgeous!" yelled Alan, catching into the act to have a little more fun. "God, I would let you do anything to me too! No wonder Paula wants you so bad, I want you too!"

"Get the hell away from me you goddamn pedophiliac cleric!"

The priest rapidly grabbed him by the throat and began to strangle him. "You little shit! I am a holy fucking soldier of God, a paladin and blade in his holy service! I've never even touched a child before, since I goddamn hate kids with a passion! I should strangulate you with your own dick!"

"I wonder if it's long enough…" mused Paula aloud.

"Crossed a line there" warned Saprus.

"Oh. Sorry."

"You all are so entertaining."

They all whirled around and saw a familiar face standing in the middle of the street, appearing almost alien calm.

"Holy shit" muttered Alan releasing the Titan. "Looks like we didn't even need the map."

Doctor Suture stood in the road, his attire no different than it always had been. He was munching on a chocolate bar, chewing one of the pieces in his mouth at the moment.

"You know, you four are incredibly interesting" stated the surgeon calmly. "You're a part of the Crimson Raiders, but you're also in the Vault Hunter Corps."

"Eh? It's called a corps?" questioned Dion.

"Oh yes. I guess you all don't call it that, but that's how Mr. Vangorium described it."

"Who is he?"

"The guy who runs this entire Carnival" explained Alan. "He sponsors it."

"Correct" responded Suture biting into the bar of chocolate again. As he did so, he snapped the chocolate with an emphasis, the bar breaking with the noise of a gunshot as he did so.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small metal object. Raising it up, he revealed that it was a skull-shaped badge made of solid chrome.

"This is the Chrome Badge" he elaborated absently. "I'm supposed to give this to you if you win. All leaders have one. All 8 are required to open the grand prize at the end."

He slid it back into his pocket and cracked his neck with a loud pop. Extracting two razor blades from his shirt pocket, he calmly made long slits across his arms, blood pouring down from the new wounds.

He suddenly snapped to full battle stance, the blood solidifying into blades jutting out from his forearms. The rest of it floated around his arms loosely, waiting to be used in combat.

"Now come and take it from me" he said licking his lips. "I'm going to enjoy dissecting you."


	13. Chapter 13: Street Fighters

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Holy shit I love this fight!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Shut up the commercials are over!"**

Dion got shot twice in the chest by two immense bullets made of solid blood, twin holes rupturing his muscles and flesh. Stumbling back, he noted how his body was regenerating at a lower rate than normal. It was like the foreign blood was interfering with his body's functions.

"Damn it, I can't stop bleeding" muttered the Titan plunging a med-vial into his neck. "Whatever is in this guy's blood isn't good for me…"

"It isn't affecting me" said Alan backing up, his bayonets steaming hot from the blows. He had half his jacket torn to shreds, his left sleeve completely gone up to his shoulder. At the moment the left side of his head was restoring itself to normal, dead flesh returning to the original state it had died in. A Grave Knight would always return to their original state, no matter what happened to them. It was a little assurance by the Grave Lord that made them, but nothing compared to Titan regeneration.

Suture stood in the middle of the street, his entire shirt thrown aside and his jeans shredded to the knees. He had a coating of solidified blood over his torso, slowing down any damage that he would take. His left arm was a huge bloody blade emitting from the elbow down to a yard past his knuckles. His right arm had a floating spiral of blood swirling around it, a bullet forming itself in the space between his fingers. Even with all the blood he had lost, it didn't seem like he was running low in the slightest sense of the word. He must've shed at least two gallons at this point.

"No one's ever gone on this long…" murmured the surgeon licking the blood off his lips. "But your primary tank isn't going to be so effective against me."

Dion spat out a chunk of a dark crimson liquid that might've been his blood. It looked like it was solidifying in his throat from the internal damage, an alarming condition that was making it incredibly hard to breathe. "What…what did you do to me…?"

"I did nothing. It's a simple law of our race. After all, two Titans fighting will slowly poison each other with their attacks."

Dion stopped dead. "…what?"

Suture brushed a strand of his soaked hair away from his face. "I know it isn't obvious, since I replaced all my hair and skin a long time ago out of curiosity. But I am the Blood Titan, which is why I can use this ability. I am one of the six. Guessing by your abilities, I believe you are the Plasma Titan."

The Plasma Titan gritted his teeth, feeling one of his lungs solidify like stone from his blood freezing. "Fucker…why haven't I affected you?"

The surgeon shook his head. "You have been. Unintentionally maybe, but surely."

He peeled the blood armor on his chest, revealing the original skin. The solid blood boiled in his hand, as if it had been superheated. The skin below the armor was a purple color that seemed to boil, as if he had injected steam into his body.

"Your plasma is making it incredibly difficult for my skin to grow back" he said calmly, as if the prospect of plasma being in his skin was a fairly ordinary though. To be fair, it kinda was considering the things he did. "I made this blood armor to compensate and keep me from bleeding out, but even I can't stop it. Over half my skin has boiled off and the rest will soon follow. I'm actually quite irked about that by the way. It took me three years to get these skin grafts, and one fight with you fucked them up. I'm going to kill you and use your skin at this rate."

Dion grinned, happy that he had annoyed his opponent so much. "Hey, your blood is fucking up my body too. Your blood is mixing into my own, preventing me from getting it to my organs and muscles as effectively. It feels like my body is splitting itself in half."

He collapsed to the dirt. "My body has given up on my kidneys and stomach, with only one lung even being functional. I can't fight. Sorry guys, but I have to fight this off."

Suture chuckled. "Too bad. Because your partner's disease has a cure, and I know it."

Saprus appeared, reloading an SMG that was smoking hot. "Goddamn it. The one person with a Plaque IX cure, and I had to fight him. Damn my luck."

"Don't worry boys" said Paula raising her explosive shotgun. "I got a plan."

"Oh really? And what are you gonna do? Paint a pretty picture?" taunted Alan.

"Just shut up and watch pedo."

"For the last goddamn time, I do NOT FUCK CHILDREN!"

She giggled and pushed a small button on her gauntlet.

An orange light emitted from her suit, a gas that looked like neon. It began to pulsate, the beats of each one sending a throb across the battlefield. It was like a second heart was beating inside her chest. With each pulse the gun in her hands grew hotter, the barrel turning red from heat. It wasn't a typical red-hot barrel though. This one made the gun burst into flames, blue fire that burned brighter than the flashes of bullets that the gun had originally held.

"Art is a bang!" roared Paula firing the trigger.

The cartridge nearly detonated the entire barrel of her gun, the force of it cracking the concrete under her feet. It spiraled forward at Mach 3 force, the winds that came off the round shredding the street in long gouges.

The bullet smashed into Suture's chest, shattering his armor into pieces. It kept moving forward though, causing him to slide across the ground with the continued momentum. He slammed into an automobile and folded into it, crumbling into a ball-like shape that rolled across the street.

"God save us all" murmured Alan. "Remind me to never get her mad."

"Don't you know it's a stupid idea to piss of women?" inquired Dion, beginning to recover slightly from his utter organ failure. "Women are troublesome, and they don't forgive easily."

The wrecked vehicle exploded, the person inside obviously getting tired of rolling around.

"That was most impressive!" shouted Suture excited, several of his ribs snapped and jutting from his chest. Even as he spoke they began to push themselves back in, knitting back together as Titan bones usually do. "You all are just full of surprises! I can honestly say I am having fun!"

Alan crouched down, twirling his bayonets. "Well then, it's my turn. I'm gonna kill you and get a ton of Point and money. Maybe even some good loot if I'm lucky."

"Well, well, well, the final man in the act" stated the surgeon grinning. "What can he do? I've been wondering since you took out my Nurse."

"How she doing by the way?"

"Fairly well. She has healed very well, mainly through my aid of course. She does want to kill you again though."

"Yeah, I kinda deserve that" muttered the priest rubbing the back of his head. "But ignoring that, I'm ready to kick some ass."

He cracked his jaw, clasping his hands together with the two bayonets together. Then he began to murmur to himself, quoting the text of his religion. "_'For I give thee power to cast out demons and evil spirits in my name, so sayeth the Lord'_."

Two huge silver wings burst from his back, both of them made of feathers like angel wings. They emitted a deep navy blue aura around his body, making an armor-like image appear around him. He opened his eyes, revealing that they were now growing shining white.

"AMEN!" he roared raising his bayonets, both of them covered in the aura and gaining a serrated edge along the front of the blade.

He flew forward, the wings blasting a gust of air below him. This made him float forward on a bed of air, speeding his journey down the street.

Suture grinned widely, forming both of his arms into blades. "Alright!"

He blocked the strike to his head, sliding from the sheer force. Forming his blood into spikes, he ejected the thorns like shrapnel from a grenade.

Alan didn't even react to the spikes in his chest and head, raising his shotgun even through all of that. Firing it, he revealed that even his bullets were now enchanted with his power, glowing bright blue when they left his muzzle.

"Just because I'm a Grave Knight doesn't mean I can't combine shit together" said the priest chuckling. "My religion has experiments where we directly siphon a person's soul into their weapons. Normally it kills any who try it. But I'm immortal, my soul bound to my body because of my Grave Knight abilities. With that, I can use this technique as much as I want. I'm the only guy who can. And you're fucked."

He fired his shotgun again, nailing Suture in the chest.

"Most excellent! Bring it on!" roared the surgeon flailing his arm blades around.

Paula appeared, her gun charging itself up with that odd power from before. Planting it against her shoulder, she fired another incredibly powerful shot right into her opponent.

Suture bucked forward, his spine crumbling from the sheer weight of the slug. Stumbling right into the blades of the priest.

He slashed Alan in the chest, but the priest quickly dodged away and fired his gun at him.

The surgeon collapsed to the ground, feeling his body begin to go weak. Gritting his teeth in frustration, the blood began to pour out from his back and shoulder blades.

"Blood Bomb" he spat aggravated.

A huge array of blood flew from his body, throwing his opponents away from him. It looked like he had made an immense cage around his form, expanding outwards to keep anyone out. It was razor sharp as well, evidenced by the lacerations present on both the artist and the priest.

"Damn, that's a few ribs" noted Paula rubbing her chest.

"More like my entire fucking spinal cord" muttered Alan struggling to even stand.

Suture looked even worse, the flesh on his arms and chest being completely ripped off, exposing the bare bones. "God…damn it…that wasn't enough…"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small badge he was supposed to hand out, the Chrome Badge. Planting it against the ground, he coughed out a huge chunk of blood. "Well…you won…nice job…Gonna take…a little rest…Good luck in…the Triassic Gardens…"

Then Doctor Suture, leader of the Machina Medical, collapsed. His corpse began to disintegrate into data, marking that he truly was dead, but he would be back.

**Group Challenge Fulfilled: Slay Doctor Suture**

**Death of a Thousand Shots +200**

**Ford FU50 +100**

**Evil Angel +50 (Unique Kill: Alan)**

**Diseased +50 (Unique Kill: Saprus)**

**Art is a Bang +50 (Unique Kill: Paula)**

**Seeing Red +50 (Unique Kill: Dion)**

**Boss Encounter +1000**

**Total Group Points: +1500**

Alan Fitzgerald let his wings fold back into his back, the skin repairing itself like it had never happened. The navy blue aura left his body, and his eyes turned to their normal dull white. "Jesus fucked, I think we won."

Paula nodded, her hair now loose from the force of her charged shots. "We did. That was sick."

Saprus crouched down and picked up the Skull Badge, examining it closely. "That's the first area on our long list."

He clenched it tightly in his fists. "Good work gentlemen. We're getting pizza tonight."

Dion stood up, his body spilling nearly four pints of blood from that one motion. He smiled weakly, his eyes turning dull. "I think I'll take a few stitches instead. And maybe a blood transfusion."

"Of course."

The infected grabbed the Plasma Titan and hoisted him onto his shoulder. "Come on kid. You ain't dying today."


	14. Chapter 14: The Doctor Has Moved In

Dion bit down into the slice of pizza, the amount of toppings on that one slice equating to most normal square meals. In other words, it was so loaded with bacon, ham, pepperoni, sausage, sardines, fried chicken bits and a few other meats that it weighed as much as a small child.

"Mmm, that tastes damn good" he murmured with a mouthful of meat. Oh God, I just realized the sexual innuendos present in that last statement. Please ignore those to the best of your ability. Or just chuckle and continue reading like nothing happened.

"You regenerated very quickly" noted Alan Fitzgerald, biting into a chunk of pepperoni pizza and gulping down a huge swig of rum. "You had more holes in ya than a 50-person orgy."

"Ah, orgies" murmured Lupus Cithara, who was sharing with the priest beside him. "I've written at least fifteen songs about them. Half of which ended in murder. Man, good times."

"Ah, the Crimson Motherfucker in person" said Paula Picassa grinning, fan-girling slightly at him. She was eating a simple cheese pizza decorated with spray cheese as well as shredded cheese and what probably was grinded-up Cheetos. She liked cheese apparently. "I love your lyrical style. So…explicit."

"Dude, watch your ass" warned the Titan. "She'll chew it to pieces and spit it out. She nearly did it to me."

"Duly noted."

The artist grinned. "Ah, you spoiled the fun Dion. I love the original deception and shock."

"Stop calling me that" he snapped aggravated.

"Pretty girl calling you that, I'd recommend shooting for it" advised Saprus, eating into a slice of supreme pizza.

"Please. She just hit on Lupus" argued Dion.

"Well he is kinda famous."

"True. I have about fifty million subscribers" stated Lupus igniting a cigarette. Unlike Taika's hand-rolled ones or Axton's dime-a-dozen ones, these were long and feminine in a way. Combined with the crimson tear tattoos and long black hair, it definitely gave him an eccentric look that suited him nicely. He blew the smoke out of his curled lips, a smell that reeked more of perfume than tobacco.

"What's in those cigarettes?" inquired Saprus.

"Incense" he answered tapping the ash onto a small ash tray in the center of the table. "The smoke helps me think. Or so I'm told."

"Oh, they look tasty" muttered Paula leaning forward and licking her lips.

He harshly shoved her away. "Get your own. I don't share."

"Bastard" she muttered folding her arms.

"Call me what you will, I make more money than you" he said grinning.

"Don't remind me" murmured the Mad Artist. "My exhibits aren't selling so well. God damn Tina to Hell. She's putting me out of business."

"Oi, only I can call the big guy upstairs to damn people!" snapped Alan waving his rosary. "And Tina's cool, mostly. I didn't appreciate the 'house-breaking present' she left me. Nearly tore my arm off from the blast."

"Ah, she gave you a rigged teddy bear?" inquired Dion.

"Yeah. How'd you guess?"

"She did the same to me."

"Huh. I had a panda bear."

"Lucky! I got a regular grizzly bear."

"I bet you like grizzly bears, don't ya?" asked the priest grinning.

"Heh, yeah…wait….why you laughing?"

"Nothing" said Alan chuckling.

"Grizzly bear is a common homosexual term" explained Saprus. "Last time I checked, it refers to large hairy men, usually the dominant in the relationship as well."

"Oh…wait a minute….fuck you Alan!"

The priest burst into laughter. "Maybe I will. I ain't a grizzly, but I am dominant."

He stopped talking because a huge foot-shaped object had smashed into his head and knocked his face down into the table.

"ALAN FITZGERALD I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" roared Gaige, the source of the foot-shaped object, which turned out to be a flying tennis shoe. She had a simple bathrobe wrapped around her body and her hair was wet, not to mention the intense scowl on her face.

The priest looked up and grinned. "What's the matter? You look…flustered."

"Give me back my goddamn towel!"

He chuckled. "Why? I thought Baldemar liked you dripping wet."

"If he was here right now…"

"Yeah, yeah. He'd peel my dick like a banana, I know. But seriously, I don't have your towel."

"Who would steal it then? You stole my bras, drank the entire damn carton of milk, and you put graffiti all over the viewing deck windows!"

"That was you?" snapped Lupus. "Could've sworn Rocko did that with the various rap lyrics. And it even rhymed."

"I did take music appreciation in college" explained Alan. "I didn't appreciate it."

Gaige looked around exasperated. "Okay, so if pedo-dick over here didn't steal it, who did?"

"Hey! Does everyone think I'm a pedophile!?" snapped the priest.

"You dress like a Catholic, your sexuality is incredibly ambiguous, and I found lolicon on your computer" stated Lupus.

"Okay, I resemble that remark" muttered Alan rolling his eyes.

Baldemar popped his head out of his room, revealing that his hair was splayed out in several different directions. His shirt was torn jaggedly down the middle, revealing his toned chest and battle scars. Hooked up to his left wrist were the remains of a handcuff, the other one mysteriously not present. It looked like he had torn the chain in half, as the chain was hanging from the bottom of the cuff.

"Babe, what's going on? I thought you were getting a shower" he said rubbing his eyes. "Well, one where you actually got clean, unlike the last two where I joined you."

Gaige glanced back at him. "I'm trying Knight, but someone took my towel! Get your dick-peeling kit out!"

"Wait, that shit was serious?!" exclaimed Alan with eyes wide in fear.

Baldemar chuckled and held out a purple towel. "I stole it. I wanted you to walk in naked. But you found a bathrobe, so that plan failed I see."

"Pervert" sneered Dion.

"Ah go fuck yourself."

Gaige grinned mischievously. "So you wanted me to walk back naked?"

"Uh-oh" murmured Saprus covering his eyes.

"What? What's she gonna do?" asked the Titan nervously.

Gaige then proceeded to throw off her bathrobe, leaving only one article of clothing: her slippers.

"Here I come Knight!" she yelled sprinting over towards him and tackling him through the door. It quickly shut itself again, to the thanks of pretty much everyone.

"Aaah!" roared Alan covering his eyes. "I can never have sex again!"

"Saprus please give me my brain bleach" instructed Dion.

The infected calmly reached to the side and grabbed a bottle of Captain Morgan Freeman rum. "Drink up."

The Titan began gulping the concoction, the liquid pouring out from the sides of his mouth.

"That image is never going away" he muttered taking a deep breath.

"Give me some of that!" ordered Alan grabbing the bottle. He took an immense chug, trying desperately to seek sanctuary at the bottom of the bottle.

"That was…interesting…" murmured Lupus not at all fazed. He had seen plenty of naked people, so it wasn't that bad for him.

"Think they'd let me join?" inquired Paula glancing at the closed door.

Taika walked down the hallway, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. "Uh…did I just see Gaige running down the halls naked? That sounds more like something Alan would do."

"Ugh, if he did that I'd have to replace oxygen with alcohol just to forget it" noted Dion.

"Oh fuck you! I look goddamn sexy when I'm naked!" argued Alan.

"Ignoring that comment" continued Taika sitting down. "What's the pizza for?"

"Celebration" explained Saprus. "We finished the first area of the Carnival and decided it was noteworthy enough to buy pizza."

She grabbed a slice of his pizza and bit down into it. "Hmm, pretty good. Glad to see you're all doing fine without me."

"You look better. Is the fever going down?" asked the infected concerned.

"Yeah. I got a biting of stomach aches…and…well…"

Paula took a deep whiff. "Ugh, I know that smell anywhere."

"Yep that's kinda why I stayed."

Saprus glanced at her and his eyes widened. "Oh. Oooooh."

"Eh? I ain't catching" said Dion scratching his head.

"Well you see Dion" began Alan grinning cheekily, "When God made women, he of course ripped one of man's ribs out and formed the first woman out of bone and dirt. He did that so the first man wouldn't be lonely and for the obvious reason that he couldn't self-replicate. In compensation, God made all women get into a state of extreme bitchiness where even approaching them can cause immediate disembowelment or decapitation."

"I'm pretty sure that's not how the story goes" said the Titan.

"Well you get the picture, right?"

"Yeah. I can see why you didn't want to join us Taika."

"Thank you for understanding" said the huntress rubbing the back of her head nervously.

"So what's the plan?" questioned Paula. "I like hanging around and doing nothing as much as the next gal, but I'm getting antsy to go back out and fight."

"Well first we need to figure out where the next area is" elaborated Saprus. "Triassic Gardens is a very evasive location apparently. We're doing scans of the planet, but it'll take a while till the entire thing is scanned. Plus we need intel on the next boss."

"You can get that from me" advised a voice from the side.

They all turned and saw a rather familiar man holding a large cardboard box.

"Doctor Suture" snapped Paula standing up rapidly.

"Please," urged the surgeon gripping his box tighter. "Let me speak."

"Why you here?" inquired Dion. "You want to die again?"

"Well that's the issue," murmured Suture looking away slightly embarrassed.

They all sat silent, waiting for him to continue.

"Well you see…I quit."

Alan burst into laughter. "Holy shit! You only lasted two seasons in the Carnival and you QUIT?!"

"Well I was supposed to stop you," muttered the surgeon. "Unfortunately, that didn't work too well. So I decided to pack my stuff and join the Raiders. I struck a deal with Lilith this morning. I join the Raiders, I pass on all the intelligence I have on the Carnival."

"Seems fair," agreed Saprus.

"Are you CRAZY?!" snapped Paula. "This guy…did…THINGS to me!"

"All he did was feed you a two-month old cocktail," argued Dion.

"Actually it was three months," said Suture blushing. "I forgot that May is the fifth month and not the sixth."

Paula turned dark green. "Ugh…gonna hurl again…"

Alan rapidly reached to the side and grabbed a bucket. Planting it on the ground, he rapidly kicked it at her and slid it perfectly in front of her.

"Thanks," she said before dislodging something that looked like a wad of cheese. Considering how she had put the equivalent of two cheese wheels on the last three slices of pizza, that wasn't too surprising.

"Well despite your teammate's odd stomach issues, are there anything else I need to deal with before I move in?" inquired Suture. "I hate to be rude, but my fingers are aching from not being inside something's torso or abdomen."

"Well there is initiation…" began Alan grinning like a shark.

"Don't be ridiculous," snapped Saprus. "We've never…"

"Shut the fuck up!" exclaimed the priest. "It was gonna be freaking hilarious! I was gonna make him get road-head while being the only person in the car!"

"So you were gonna make him suck his own dick?" questioned Dion. "That takes either extreme flexibility or natural gifts that I'm envious of."

Suture blew a lock of his black hair from his face. "Well unfortunately cunnilingus is not one of my talents. So what rooms are free?"

"The one beside me," stated Lupus glancing at the man. "I soundproofed my walls, mainly to block out the rest of these guys, and I advise you do the same. Considering the experiments you perform, it's probably a wise action."

"Very well," said the surgeon adjusting the box in his arms. "Come on Nurse Katelyn, we have a long day of equipment set-up in front of us."

His nurse assistant walked in, wearing her typical provocative outfit. "Oh, hello Alan Fitzgerald. I presume the cure worked for your condition of osteoperverseness?"

"Oh hello Nurse!" exclaimed Alan grinning mischievously. "Can I get a case of your sweet medicinal loving again?"

"Unfortunately, the Good Doctor needs my help, so I will have to abstain from your…healing."

The priest sighed. "Ah damn. Whatever."

Paula finally quit vomiting and looked around at the table's occupants. "Are we seriously letting this guy live with us?"

"We have a wereskag with mild cannibalistic tendencies, two other Titans with bloodlust, several different eccentric inventors, an old soldier infected with a disease that makes Black Death look like the common cold, and now an immortal pedophiliac priest" argued Lupus. "A bloodthirsty Titan doctor isn't the weirdest thing we've ever had."

"For the last time…I AM NOT A PEDO!" roared Alan.


	15. Chapter 15: The Summit

Lilith walked through the halls of the meeting area specified in the Eden Prime galaxy, wearing a fairly abnormal business attire that no one knew she had. It was a simple tuxedo, but it was obviously tailored to tighten around her sides and breasts, specifically the undershirt and jacket, with the pants being nearly see-through with how tight they were. It was a business suit, but that didn't disguise anything about her figure.

"Remember, you must all act professional at this meeting" she reminded sternly, despite her provocative outfit. "We are meeting with the other corporations of our alliance, as well as Pangolin and Anshin. Be on your best behavior."

"That explains why Baskerville isn't here as one of your bodyguards" noted Lupus Cithara dryly, having opted to not dress up for the occasion. His normal black leather attire was intact, along with a white shawl thrown over his body similar to what monks wear. His prayer beads hung loosely around his neck, his guitar case strapped to his back and within easy reach.

"Of course. He isn't professional" confirmed Wolfenstein analytically, his normal appearance being very official. He stood tallest of all of them, his green jacket and pants freshly ironed and pressed. On his legs were two long pistols, but his most dangerous weapon was his own body, being a wereskag.

Lilith nodded. "He is a great guy, but not exactly level-headed. I decided bringing you two was smartest. Out of everyone we've recruited, you two are the most stable."

Lupus chuckled. "An eccentric, druggie death metal guitarist and a bloodthirsty, cannibalistic wereskag? It's pretty sad when we're the stable ones."

"I am not a cannibal, for I am part animal" defended Wolfenstein.

"Keep telling yourself that buddy."

The Siren sighed. "Zero and Krieg are too impatient in these situations, too much talking for them. Gaige…well…she's with Baldemar and I'm not going into more details. Maya is studying Siren and Titan abilities with that doctor we got from the Carnival, and Salvador is busying rebuilding our weapon supplies with Marcus. Axton is keeping the new guys in line, and almost all of them are like school children."

"Saprus?" questioned Wolfenstein.

"Well he's on Eden-66 right now."

"Taika?"

She glared at him dangerously. "She's incapacitated for the week." She did not want to go into details why the female was out of commision, for it was a very...um..._private_ matter.

He nodded understandingly. "I agree with the others. Dion is a sociopathic man child, Alan is a total idiot, and Paula is just insane."

"Hot though" murmured Lupus.

"Ah, you falling for her?" asked Lilith cutely.

He spat, the phlegm splattering on the floor. "Please. I'm not interested in anything serious. It's just the way I am."

They stopped their conversation as they reached the door to the meeting room, stopping to look around at those gathered. There were six tables set up, all but one of them currently filled. Each one had a small name card that determined who was seated behind it, with the one nearest them being their table.

Lilith sat in the center chair, her two bodyguards standing at attention beside her. Well, Wolfenstein stood at attention. Lupus was standing with his hands behind his head and a cigarette in his mouth, but he was fast enough not to worry about being caught off guard.

The Siren tapped her finger on the table, being the unofficial leader of the alliance. "Hello. I apologize for being late, but there were complications. Anyway, let us begin this meeting. I am Lilith, along with my bodyguards Lupus Cithara and Wolfenstein, leader of the Crimson Raiders. I would like to personally welcome the Anshin and Pangolin companies, who were so gracious to have an audience with us."

The two leaders at the nearby tables nodded in appreciation, both of them filled with unfamiliar faces. The Anshin leader, Shizukesa Anshin, was wearing a long light pink robe over his body with small lotus flowers. His sleeves extended past his hands and covered them, with his shoulders exposed and the fabric wrapped tight across his upper arms to keep them secure. His hair was black and long, brushed smooth to hang down to his waist with a small flower in his hair. He had his face completely shaved, with the exception of extremely tailored eyebrows, and was incredibly rounded and smooth. He looked like a woman in many aspects, including dress and physique, and wasn't apparently obvious to any who didn't know him.

The Pangolin leader was Teresa Pangolin, who was the only actual female in the room besides Lilith. Her attire was far humbler than hers however, as it was a simple white shirt that went down to her knees, parted in the center for comfort and a pair of grey pants. What stood out was her hair, as it was jet black and braided into a long ponytail that hung down past her waist. She had a few rings on her fingers, mostly simple gold, along with one stainless steel one that was solitary on her left hand.

Lupus glanced up, surprised by her appearance. "Ma'am?"

She looked up and her eyes widened. Then she smiled gently, like a mother smiles to a child. "Ah, Lupus. It's been so long since I've seen you. How have you been dear?"

He didn't answer, instead opting to walk towards her across the room. Her two bodyguards began to intervene, but she shushed them with a simple gesture.

The guitarist knelt down in front of her table, tucking his head low. He didn't bow the normal Western way on one knee, he performed the Eastern way. To those who are uninformed, that is with the legs tucked in, the head down and the hands placed on the ground. "I've only been as good as your medicine let me be, ma'am."

She looked at him curiously. "Medicine? You still call it that? It was not medicine that I gave you my dear. It was my love."

"It felt the same to me, ma'am."

She reached out and cupped his face, lifting it up slightly. She ran a finger over his crimson tattoos, the ones that he obtained so long ago. "Ah, I see you still have those marks. They never healed?"

"I never wanted them to heal" he argued. "I wanted to keep them forever, to remind me of what you did for me, ma'am. These scars are not tears of pain, they are tears of joy."

She expanded her smile slightly, the equivalent of a laugh. "You know I am a married woman. Such reverence towards me may be misinterpreted as affection."

"I hope your husband is kind enough to understand my feelings" he said bowing his head lower. "I will never be able to repay what you did for me."

Shizukesa Anshin giggled to the side, raising one of his hands to his mouth. "He's so charming Ter-chan. He's a true gentleman."

"Yes, he is" spoke Teresa smiling at her former patient. "Please return to your leader, my dear. We have important things to discuss."

He bowed lower, indicating a nod. "Yes ma'am."

He walked back to his position without embarrassment, of course given Lupus he probably could give a shit less what anyone else thought about him.

Lilith coughed, slightly awkwardly at his action but she kinda thought he was very sweet for having done so. "Continuing, we have many things to discuss today, most especially our potential agreements regarding Bellum and their associates Tediore and Maliwan. Let us begin."

**Well, that's the rest of the companies personified (except Bandits, who aren't really a company per se). Let me know what you think of them or just anything in general.**


	16. Chapter 16: Scavenging Crows

Shizukesa Anshin stood straighter, knowing it was his turn to talk. "I am the leader of the Anshin corporation, as your lovely Lil-san has so already purveyed, and these are my able bodyguards, Mai-chan to my left and Kin-chan on my right"

One of the girls, most likely Mai judging by the fact that she was to his left, immediately sat on his lap when he spoke. Her black hair was in two small buns on her head, with the rest of it being in square bangs. Her robe was a dark grey color with flowered blue arms and back, tight enough to reveal her rather large breasts. She was also wearing a pair of stiletto boots, with small bells at the ankles made of gold. She didn't appear to have any weapons on her, but it was obvious she was dangerous by the intense glare her eyes possessed. Despite the fact that she was on his lap, she still wasn't as tall as he was, so he could easily see over her to view the rest of the leaders.

The other girl, named Kin, stood behind him and began rubbing his shoulders. She was dressed in all white, her hair dark brown and with small bone white clips along either side. Her hands were covered, much like her boss's, but could be seen due to the massaging motion she was doing, revealing that they were elegantly but sharply cut. Her eyes were a deep lavender, an unnatural color that made her appear alien, but in a soothing way.

"Ah, much better" he murmured closing his eyes. "It feels so odd without both of you touching me. I feel incomplete. Anyway, I wish to be brought into the scheme of things. I hear news of war and destruction, and so I think to myself: is any of it true? Hmm…."

"It is true enough" spoke Teresa Pangolin gently, nodding rather grimly. "I am the leader of the Pangolin company, along with my bodyguards James the Less and Simon the Zealot."

The one named Zealot was apparently fitting for his title, judging by his overall priest attire not too different from Alan Fitzgerald's. The main difference was that this robe was completely black with no jacket, instead possessing a long grey shawl drawn over his upper torso and neck with a small cross clip near his left shoulder. He did, however, have the same bayonets as Alan, hinting that they may have been of the same religious organization.

The other, James the Less, was wearing a huge crimson red cloak over his body that covered his head as well in a giant hood, masking his face in shadow. He had no defining traits about him, except for the sharp metallic points that were jutting out of his sleeves on top of his palms, hinting at what kind of weapon he could have underneath it.

"It appears that Bellum has been assaulting the Eden colonies ever since they left Pandora through the newest mass gate," said Teresa. "Those colonies are not under any of our protection, but it is growing rather concerning due to the sheer amount of medical supplies they have requested. While it is good business, my chief duty is to help people and keep them healthy, not prevent something I could've stopped."

"I agree," concurred Shizukesa stroking the hair of Mai in his lap. "There's little point in standing aside any longer…."

Suddenly a huge blast of wind blew from the hallway, blowing open the doors in the room. With the same gust carried a huge storm of crows, squawking and cawing as they flooded inside. Instead of panicking like most civilians, all the bodyguards instinctively stood in front of their clients. Wolfenstein had his claw transformed and draped over Lilith's body, while Lupus had his guitar on his shoulder and charged to fire.

The crows began to circulate around the center of the room, forming similar to a vortex. Then from the center of them emerged a man kneeling on a single knee. The man wore a long black robe over his body that was tattered and torn in several spots, revealing chain link armor beneath it. On his head appeared to be a witch's hat, with a collection of feathers and a silver medallion attached to it. Braced against the ground was his weapon, an immense fishing hook at least six feet in length. His hair was a deep silver color that covered his eyes and most of his back as well, as wild and untamed as the crows around him.

Lupus aimed his guitar gun at him. "Start talking wannabe Edgar Allen Poe."

The man reached into his torn shirt, extracting what looked like a miniature TV set. Holding up above his head, he remained strangely silent.

The TV sparked to life, revealing a very familiar face. And with the current angle it was in, Lilith could see the display perfectly.

"Ah, schöne dame (pretty lady)!" exclaimed Josef Muller grinning widely from the TV set. "Wunderbar! It's so nice to see you again!"

"Josef" spat the Siren aggravated. "You bear your ugly head again."

"I guessed you vould say zhat" muttered the Bellum CEO. "I noticed dis meeting and I decided to let Karasu have some entertainment. Also, I needed to see who you had invited to dis."

The crow man, obviously named Karasu, rotated the TV on his hand to give his employer a better view around the room.

"Okay, ve have ze fat redneck (Montgomery Jakobs), ze albino psychopath (Nicholas Vladof), ze ass-kisser (Mr. Blakes), ze ambiguously gay hypersexual (Shizukesa Anshin), ze old hag (Teresa Pangolin), and ze lovely schöne dame (Lilith). I guess ze loudmouth (Mister Torgue) iz busy and could not attend. It's nice to see you all again, even zhough two of you are new to me."

"He is fairly brutish, isn't he?" questioned Shizukesa slightly annoyed.

"His social skills are lacking due to a sociopathic personality" noted Teresa calmly, not at all bothered by Josef's comment towards her.

"True enough" admitted Josef shrugging. "Anyway, I vas just wishing to drop by and inform you zhat I have returned."

"That's bull" spat Lilith. "You always have a plan, no matter how much you claim not to have one."

"Ah, I could never mislead you, could I? Very vell, I confess. I have diverted numerous troops to the Carnival of Carnage on Eden-66."

They all paused.

Wolfenstein glanced at Lilith. "How interesting."

Lupus chuckled. "Oh man."

"I can safely assume you are after the Vault in the planet core?" inquired the Siren blankly.

Josef grinned. "Ja."

"Well then, I accept your challenge."

He raised an eyebrow. "Hmm? I don't…oh…oh I get it. You are already on ze planet."

"We've had a bit of progress too," bragged Lilith grinning slyly, seemingly enjoying the superior position she was in. "Unfortunately, my men really like the ports on the planet, so landing there is going to be very difficult for you. Oh well, I guess you just have to get the next one."

"Schöne dame, I never give up vhat I vant," smirked the Bellum CEO. "I vant zhat Vault. And I am going to get it. Karasu-san, onegai shi shuppatsu suru (please leave)."

"Watashi ga rikai shite (I understand)" spoke the crow man. It appeared to be a Jananice dialect of some kind, though it was rudimentary at best due to the simplicity of his statements.

"Auf wiedersehen (goodbye) schöne dame. I vill enjoy fighting you again, it has been so long."

"I agree" said Lilith beaming like a shark. "You better bring it."

"Oh, don't vorry about me schöne dame. I am ze best at war."

The TV set flicked off and Karasu slid it back into his shirt. Standing up, he glanced at the men around him. Even without his eyes visible, his blank expression spoke that he thought absolutely nothing about them.

Then a gun barrel tapped into his temple, stopping him in his turn. He glanced at the source, seemingly curious about what was going on.

Wolfenstein stared back at him, then fired his pistol.

He disappeared as soon as the shot exited the barrel, the crows flying out of the room to symbolize his escape. It was like he had replaced his body with a crow, though such a thing was unlikely. But hey, Bellum once had a guy with four eyes and two conjoined twins that could split apart, so his ability wasn't that abstract.

"Damn" spat the wereskag dissatisfied. "He was faster than I was. That's new."

Teresa Pangolin leaned forward and they all silenced, being that she was the eldest in the party.

"Lupus my dear?"

"Yes ma'am?" inquired the guitarist in anticipation.

"When you find Josef, and when you kill him, I want you to record it so I can fall asleep to it, every night, before bed."

They all widened their eyes in shock, except for Lupus. He had an immense grin on his face, entertained by her words.

"Jesus fucking Christ I've missed you ma'am" said the guitarist chuckling.

Lilith smiled. "I think I can arrange that. I'll make two copies, since I'm going to bag Baskerville with that video in the background."

"Too much information" warned Wolfenstein.

**Before you even ask, Karasu is technically Japanese. That Jananice crap is like the Truxican stuff surrounding Mordecai and Salvador (who are technically Mexican). And no, he is not the Trickster from the character pages. He is pure evil. **


	17. Chapter 17: A Player Named Quicksilver

**[Richard McGuiness] "Did ya meet those guys from Bellum the other day?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, bunch of freaks, all of them."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "That crow guy scares me the most. Speaks English like I speak Spanish."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "How is that?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Poorly and worse than most eight-year olds."**

"So this is the Triassic Gardens?" inquired Paula leaning on a nearby pole.

"Pretty much yeah," confirmed Alan. "The trees are a bit more tropical than I remember, but it looks the same more or less."

The Triassic Gardens appeared to be a stimulated jungle environment, confirmed by the large amount of tropical trees everywhere. The path they were on was a dirt path connected to the Fast Travel Station they had arrived in, winding deeper into the jungle seemingly to nowhere. There were hundreds of cries from various animals hiding in the foliage, most of them not visible or barely within visibility range.

"Okay Paula, something's bothering me," spat Dion exasperated.

"Spit it out than."

"Why were you hitting on me so much before but now you don't even look at me? I don't get it. Did you steal something of mine when I had my back turned or something?"

She shrugged. "No. I just wanted to see how you would react."

"Now you're talking like Suture," warned Saprus.

She scowled harshly. "Don't remind me. Dion seemed cute, so I flirted with him. Nothing wrong with that is there?"

The Titan sighed. "Thank God. Because if that was legit, that would've sucked. Because I really, really, really don't like you."

The artist turned towards him calmly, raised her shotgun, and blasted him clean in the face. He was knocked off his feet and smashed into a tree, parts of his skull showing through the gore.

By the time he had regenerated to be able to speak again, he was fairly upset. "What was that for?!"

"Because I felt like it," she replied turning with a huff.

Alan giggled to himself, grinning mischievously. "God I love you people."

Saprus glanced to the side and saw a small wooden hut in the middle of the jungle. It looked rather odd, as the outside was colored a flamboyant violet color that made it stand out from the trees. On the sides were neon lights, with an immense sign on top in the shape of a dollar sign.

"What's that?" inquired the infected curiously.

The priest stopped and glanced at it. "Uh…I've never seen that before actually. But judging by that sign, it's where we spend our Carnival Points."

**[Richard McGuiness] "Co-fucking-rrect!" **

Dion walked forward. "Well let's hope we got enough points for some good loot. I wonder who runs this stuff."

They got closer to the hut and they saw that the primary entrance to the hut was covered in a bead curtain. That curtain had the same cash logo on it, apparently made of gold.

"Whoever lives here knows how to live," said Paula.

They entered the hut and quickly noticed a few things. First, it was incredibly dark inside the hut with only a few red-tinted lamps in the corners to illuminate the room. Second, the carpet was covered with purple pillows all around, some of them stacked up to form small islands in the sea of pillows. Third, there were dozens of scantily clad women resting all around the room, lying on the pillows in various exaggerated yet sensual positions.

Alan stopped dead, his mind simply being unable to process the sheer amazingness of the situation before him. Thankfully, a rather violent nosebleed that knocked him to the floor spoke all of his inner thoughts.

"Hey, hey, hey!" snapped a voice from one of the corners. "Damn it, don't get blood everywhere!"

They turned and saw a man sitting on one of the larger pillow stacks, almost like a throne in the way it was designed. He was wearing a long fur coat with a zebra style pattern with silver color instead of white. His pants were of similar fashion, as was his giant sun hat propped on his head. Across his lap was a long ebony cane with an amethyst jewel at the top, rounded to be used as a less painful handhold. The man himself was dark-skinned with short black hair, with his eyes hidden by a pair of huge sunglasses.

"Who in the living hell are you?" inquired Dion looking at his attire surprised.

"I should be asking you, since this is my hut," responded the man. "But it's rude to ignore guests after all. I am A Player Named Quicksilver."

"Quicksilver?"

"My name is A Player Named Quicksilver. You shall address me as such or I will shoot you in the face."

"Already did that today," warned Paula. "Didn't work too well."

A Player Named Quicksilver smiled. "Persistent one eh? I can sympathize."

He snapped his fingers and one of the nearby women rolled up his left pants leg, revealing that he was wearing a prosthetic. It was fairly advanced, made of shined aluminum with the same zebra pattern as his pants.

"Lost it three years ago during this Carnival," he explained rubbing the jewel head of his cane. "Mofo named Masher took it from me. I don't hate him for it though. Now I'm a merchant for Carnival Points, which pays incredibly well I assure you."

"Hence the name," guessed Saprus analytically.

"Correct." He stopped, glancing at Paula and smiling. "Hello there. Yes, I can confirm I am a very rich man."

"Too bad I'm not interested in money," said the artist calmly.

"Hmm, duly noted. How about bitches? I got plenty to choose from. You become mine, you get three for yourself. Seems fair to me."

"While tempting, I still cannot accept," explained Paula.

"Hmm, hmm, you're very difficult. Yet I can't help but me drawn by your eyes. Black as midnight, so deep you could drown in them."

"Ya better lay off my bitch, homie," spat Alan standing back up.

"Oh? I thought you just had a brain hemorrhage a second ago," commented A Player Named Quicksilver blankly.

"Well I did, but I'm immortal, so it's no big deal. Listen, she ain't no one's bitch man, and you won't convince her. Trust me, Dion here already tried."

"I did not!" snapped the Titan aggravated.

"I could gladly give you pimp advice greenette," offered the merchant. "For twenty-five cents per word."

"I'll pass."

"For shame. Oh well, I guess you aren't stupid enough to take that advice or you can't afford shit. Anyway, what are you all here for?"

"We are here to spend our Carnival Points" elaborated Saprus.

"Ah, of course. Auburn Storm, get the datapad so our guests can make some purchases."

A redheaded woman wearing an incredibly skimpy orange dress appeared, carrying a small pad and stabbing at it with a manicured nail. "Of course daddy. It looks like we have our stock replenished, but our computers are running a bit slow. If we were able to get a new computer…"

A Player Named Quicksilver glanced at her and smacked her in the face with his cane. "Bitch you say we need a new computer every time Microhot releases an update, which is damn near every day! You use our old computer, and you make that shit run like it was on LSD, you hear me?"

She nodded, not even bothered by the blow. "Of course daddy."

"Hot damn!" exclaimed Alan. "I wish I could do that to a woman and not get shot."

"You gotta have the bitch's respect and admiration," explained A Player Named Quicksilver. "Look at me. Rich, smart, and still working despite my disability. That right there displays how I don't let no shit keep me down, and bitches respect that."

"Despite his odd words, I am slightly mesmerized," admitted Paula. "Or maybe it's the clothes."

"Pimping clothes help too."

Saprus grabbed the data-pad and scrolled down the list. There were various equipment and firearm choices, all of which were translated into Carnival Points in terms of prices. He stopped at one entry that made him very curious.

"What's the Hustler?" inquired the infected slightly afraid of what it was.

"Ah, good choice," complimented A Player Named Quicksilver. "Fairly ordinary Tediore assault rifle, but it causes you to get more money drops by enemies. Increases it by about fifteen percent if I am correct. Doesn't sound like much, but that shit adds up quick."

"I'll take it."

"Good. Auburn Storm, get the man his gun."

The redhead reached into a nearby stack of pillows and extracted a bejeweled Tediore assault rifle painted a bright orange color. He shouldered it slightly afraid of the odd smell it had, which reminded him of his college years. "Thanks."

"Payment is more appreciated than thanks around here, but I appreciate it. Now, what does your greenette friend want? He has enough Carnival Points to buy everything but my most expensive equipment, and I'm willing to make compromises."

"Uh…got anything accuracy based?" inquired the Titan. "I have been missing a lot lately…"

"So what you're saying is you need something with more consistent results?"

"Uh…"

"But let me ask you something else: Scientifically, bullets are capable of killing and maiming near anything upon entry, regardless of the number spent in doing so. If you shoot five SMG bullets and hit once, but do the same with a one out of one sniper bullet, is there really that much of a difference?"

"Uh…I guess not…"

"So if that is the case, wouldn't it make more sense to shoot MORE bullets instead? Okay, I see this approach is not working. Let me try something else."

He extracted a large Vladof SMG with four different Gatling-style barrels, an immense magazine in the back for bullets. "Look at your gun."

"Uh, okay."

"Now look back at me."

"Okay."

"Now back at your gun."

"Mmm-hmm."

"Now back to me. Sadly, that gun is not this gun, but if that gun stopped being a little bitch and start firing more bullets per second instead of the same, it could be this gun. Look down, now back up, what's this? You are now killing dozens of enemy mooks all at once with your new gun. What's in your hand, back to me. I have it; it's a beautiful ho under your arm. Look again, that ho is now naked. Anything is possible when your gun is badass and not a bitch gun. I am A Player Named Quicksilver."

They all stood in stunned silence for a good ten seconds, processing what he had just done in amazement.

"…I think I'll take the gun," stated the Titan blankly.

"Excellent choice."

**In case you're wondering, that little song A Player Named Quicksilver just did was the Old Spice commercial. Just listen to the commercial and read the dialogue. It'll come to you. Let me know what you think of this guy, and how he'd ever stack up to Marcus as a dealer. **


	18. Chapter 18: Jack and Jane

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "That merchant guy is a real weirdo."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, well, Masher did beat his ass pretty hard. Couple headshots too I heard."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "And a whole lot of anal probing if I had to bet."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, Masher does that a lot."**

The four Vault Hunters exited A Player Named Quicksilver's hut and kept walking through the jungle, trying to find whatever they were supposed to find in this area. They were fairly certain it was cannon fodder for gathering Carnival Points, as that seemed to be the main driving point of the Carnival at large.

They stopped at a large clearing ahead, noticing that is was completely empty for almost a hundred yards in a circular diameter. In the center, however, was a large flag standing tall on a pedestal. It was rather odd to say the least.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh shit I know that this is!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Shut up and let them find out! I'm actually kinda surprised they added it this early, but hey, why not?"**

Alan stepped onto the pedestal and an announcer that was not either of the two previous began, well, announcing stuff. "Attention all contestants, this pedestal marks an official Capture the Flag minigame station! Please do not moan and groan, because unlike most minigames this does one does not suck and does not differ from the rest of the gameplay! Your objective is simple: Hold this ground from all melee enemies for the next thirty seconds and win a cache of cash! That's a pun to you Neanderthals out there."

"How interesting," noted Saprus stepping onto the pedestal. He shouldered his Hustler gun, taking a deep breath through his suit. "What could go wrong?"

"Uh, we get chopped slash cut slash slashed to pieces?" countered Dion logically.

"And you, of all of us, have a problem with that?"

"Hell no I don't!"

Paula stepped onto the platform as well, grinning her head off. "Oh boy. Better stand back, I can feel the bang coming."

"I told not to eat the Truxican food earlier," jested Alan grinning widely.

"Just shut up and push the damn button," she snapped in return.

He chuckled and pushed a large red button on the side of the pedestal with his foot. Instantly a loud buzzer began to go off, as if signaling something in the distance.

**[Richard McGuiness] "Release…THE HOUNDS! God I always wanted to say that."**

From the tree line burst reptilian creatures about the size of wild wolves, all of them moving at fairly frightening paces. They looked similar to dinosaurs, with scaled skin and clawed limbs, with their eyes a glowing yellow color that seemed to stare directly into the primordial fear of predators born in humans.

"I always wanted a dino-skinned wallet!" taunted Dion cocking his new 'badass' gun he had obtained from A Player Named Quicksilver.

They began firing in every direction, the dinosaurs approaching from every direction and zig-zagging across the clearing in their attack. They didn't come straight at them, preferring to encircle and confuse their foes. This would've been great if they were fighting melee combatants, but their foes were armed with high-caliber firearms and quickly began dispatching them.

**Headshot +50 **

**Headshot +50 **

**Headshot +50**

**Diseased +50 (Unique Kill)**

**Total: +200**

"Nice," commented the infected reloading his assault rifle, the Hustler doing a remarkable job despite being meant for a cash-collecting role.

**No Scope +50**

**No Scope +50 **

**No Scope +50**

**No Scope +50**

**No Scope +50**

**Total: +250**

"Hell yeah!" roared Dion reloading his 'badass' gun, which was actually named the Badarse fittingly enough. It seemed to be more inaccurate when fired from the hip, hence the No Scope points he was getting as a result.

**Beatdown +50**

**Beatdown +50**

**Beatdown +50**

**Beatdown +50**

**Beatdown +50**

**Beatdown +50**

**Total: +300**

"You nut-jockeying, sod-skinned, dick-raping, sack-tossing, flap-suckers ain't got nothing on me!" roared Alan in a fit of zealous anger, his coat and bayonets covered in blood, once again proving why it's a bad idea to piss off your local pastor. He was also, once again, using swear words that may have not even existed up until that point in his fiery speeches. "Feel God's bloody love as I end your sorry shitless lives and send you straight to the afterlife, you maggot-ass pig-sluts!"

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Bang +50**

**Total: +450**

"See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!" taunted Paula waving as the detonations wrecked the battlefield, blowing pieces of dinosaur all across the field as a result of her explosive weaponry.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Damn, Paula Banged that thing! She Banged it real hard!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "She's gonna be Banging stuff all day long with that gun around!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Are you saying there's going to be a gang-Bang?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I would say so!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh my!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Have we worn out the whole Bang as a reference to sex joke yet?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I…honestly can't think of anymore."**

Saprus and Dion backed themselves into them, forming the iconic back-to-back badass look that very few can successfully pull off. Thankfully, they did it naturally and without a single signal, so it was a fairly pleasant surprise.

"Okay, I think this just got funner," said the Titan grinning his head off.

"Funner isn't a word," noted the infected calmly, although he was pleased as well by the accidental badass pose.

"Oh quit being a dick and keep firing!"

Alan glanced at the corner of his HUD and noticed the countdown timer nearing the end, signaling the final seconds of the objective. Grinning in anticipation, he threw his bayonets into the air and slammed his palms together.

"Zeruel ain't got shit on me!" he roared as his Evil Angel form took over, swinging his bayonets with increased fury and speed alongside his razor-edged wings.

**Evil Angel +50 (Unique Kill)**

**Evil Angel +50 (Unique Kill)**

**Evil Angel +50 (Unique Kill)**

"If only I could quad-wield like that chick I knew!" he yelled spinning on his heel, throwing up a massive wind with his blades in hand.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Quad-wielding? Doesn't Nitro do that?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "No, those jet things on his ankles are for speed. Technically it isn't quad-wielding. If it was, he would have guns on his feet."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh, so Bayonetta style?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "More or less, hopefully not with the same outfit for Nitro."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, I'm a very open-minded man, and that idea sounds disgusting."**

The timer went off and the remaining dinosaurs retreated to the wilderness, as if they traveled on command. From the bottom of the platform burst a mountain of cash, flooding into the air above them and falling down like green snow.

**Capture the Flag +1000**

"Make it RAIN!" yelled Paula grabbing handfuls of cash at a time.

"Reminds me of my college years," muttered Saprus blankly.

"Eh?" questioned Dion curiously.

"…I was a very attractive male in my youth too. And college costs a lot of money…"

"No need to explain. We all do shameful things."

"I can testify to that personally," muttered Alan. "But I repented a long time ago, and therefore can do them all over again!"

"Pretty sure that's not how repenting works," said the Titan nervously.

"Hey, I'm a holy fucking paladin. Eat my dick if you don't like it."

They began continuing along the path, trying to find some structure that marked where this place actually began. As they reached the other side of the clearing, they noticed another group of people approaching. Instead of a team of four however, this was a team of two.

The two people were young adults, most likely teenagers by age, both of them wearing very odd attire. They appeared to be half-identical twins, with the only distinctive difference between them being their hair length and minor physical differences associated with gender. They both had white hair, the female having the longer set, along with fair-colored skin and deep gold eyes. Their outfits were also remarkably similar, being an almost Gothic twist on Victorian styles suiting their genders. The male one was a bit broader in the shoulders and arms, and was carrying a rather large shotgun in his left hand while also holding a toothpick in his right ear. The female one was slimmer in facial structure and waist, a wide brimmed hat with a large ribbon placed on her head with lace all around it and a similar look on her huge submachine gun. They both were holding hands, walking tranquilly through the jungle apparently at peace. The most prominent thing about them was that they were undeniably cute, something that threw the Vault Hunters off immediately.

"Holy shit you two are adorable!" squeed Paula clutching her hands close to her face like an excited fangirl. "Damn it Alan's a licensed priest, let's just marry you two right here!"

The male one smiled, as if her prospects were amusing to him. "Thank you ma'am. But we don't have time for a wedding today I'm afraid. Though we did let our nanny doll us up in our best dress."

He glanced over at the female one and pressed himself closer to her, cupping her face lightly. He drew one of the sharp ends of the toothpick across her face, not breaking skin but causing a small line to run across in a trail. "But of course the only one _undressing_ you will be my, my little sister Jane."

The female blushed immensely, turning away slightly but not avoiding eye contact. "Big brother John, please don't embarrass me in front of nice strangers."

"Oh, let them watch. I don't care. My love for you is unconditional, no matter what stage it is presented on." He spoke like a Shakespearean actor, his voice showing immense passion even in a very quiet and polite demeanor.

Paula was practically breathing blood through her nose. "Dear mother and father of God, the subtext! Both young love and incest together!"

"I think you have a problem," muttered Alan worryingly.

She calmly shot him in the face, knocking him to the ground as he regenerated.

"Goddamn that hurt!" he roared rubbing the sore spot.

"Welcome to my world," murmured Dion dryly.

John glanced at Paula, smiling with that same charming grin he seemed to possess. "If you wish, I'd gladly let you join us. We've never shared one so pretty before, especially when we play House."

"But big brother!" objected Jane hugging herself close to his arm. "I don't like to share you!"

He silenced her with a small tender kiss, stroking the bow on her head affectionately. "Don't be too selfish Jane. We should at least offer to those we consider nice."

"But…"

He kissed her again, stunning her into submission. "Just relax Jane."

She nodded, clearly so in love that she'd gladly go along with his ideas. "Of course big brother. I trust you completely."

He smiled. "And I honor your submission with my own, for if I do not honor your trust I am worthless scum and you should flee from me."

By now Paula was more or less a puddle of liquid fangirl that could've been wiped up with a sponge, which unfortunately no one had at hand. "They're….they're….God damn it they're perfect for each other!"

Saprus grabbed her and hoisted her onto his shoulder. "Listen, we gotta go before our comrade her combusts from cuteness overload or whatever. Sorry to bother you nice kids, have a great day."

"Of course. Good bye, good sir," stated John taking a deep bow with his shotgun tucked under his arm.

"Good bye," said Jane gently, waving with her free hand and her machine gun held in the other.

"Can't we stay for a few minutes and just let listen to them talk to each other?" asked Paula desperately.

"No," answered the infected bluntly. "We got places to go."

As soon as they left, John grinned widely, exposing more teeth than seemed possible. "Heh, didn't even suspect us. How typical of the Vault Hunters."

"You were very clever back there big brother," complimented Jane, who had not dropped her cute quiet voice that seemed to be the norm for her. "We would've been killed if we had acted without provocation."

"Which is why it's better for us to wait before fighting," he said kissing her on the cheek. "I'd hate for my precious little sister to be harmed, at least not in the way we both like when we play."

She giggled, blushing slightly from his tenderness. "Big brother, you're always so nice to me."

"Well, it makes up for when I'm so naughty to you later," he said with a wicked grin. "Now let's keep moving. We have many things to kill today, and Mr. Muller doesn't like it when we don't get our work done."

"He really is a nice man too. I hate to displease him."

The two Bellum twins happily walked in the opposite direction, holding hands and carrying heavy munitions with smiles on their faces.

**If you're wondering, John and Jane are based on the following twins/couples:**

**Hikaru and Kaoru from Ouran Highschool Host Club (Yeah, fangirls rejoice and shit)**

**The Sacred Band of Thebes from Real Life (Thought the real Sacred Band was all gay, the implications are the same)**

**Bonnie and Clyde from Real Life (Again, pretty cool example)**

**Hansel and Gretel from Black Lagoon (Yes, you may begin panicking now)**


	19. Chapter 19: Indiana Jones V

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "And yet again, our producer completely obliterates a social taboo line he should not have crossed."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, he got BDSM, incest, and Lolita all in one shot. Pretty impressive actually."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I have to give him credit, his audacity knows no bounds."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well done, ya dick-handy pervert."**

Dion sprinted up the stone steps of the ruins hurriedly, bullets sailing past him and embedding into his flesh like a swarm of angry bees. He flew into cover behind a stone block, which proved to be suitable defense for the onslaught of lead.

"Goddamn it," he snapped reloading his Badarse gun, his wounds slowly sealing up. "I hate ambushes."

The four Vault Hunters had, barely five minutes ago, ran into a huge temple in the middle of the Triassic Gardens that looked like some kind of Mayan ruin. Of course, it was full of baddies as they should've expected. Unlike the melee combatants of the Machina Medical or the dinosaur things from earlier, these were uniformed men carrying firearms. They were dressed in exaggerated zookeeper outfits, and their bullets packed one hell of a punch. They had been separated and now desperately fighting them off, their numbers significantly overwhelming the skill advantage of the Vault Hunters.

Dion slid his gun into his SDU and burst into his Plasma Rage, flying out of cover down the stairs. Grabbing one of the soldiers, he threw him into a wall of spiked bones and let him nestle there and bleed out. Firing a beam at the second, he ripped his arm clean off his body and finished it off with a shot to the heart.

**Bone-Dead +100**

**One Arm Jack +50 **

**Heart Breaker +50**

**Seeing Red: +50 (Unique Kill)**

**Seeing Red +50 (Unique Kill)**

**Total: +300**

"Booyah!" roared the Titan running to find more foes to vanquish or whatever.

Saprus nestled himself deeper into the undergrowth present along the edge of the ruin, trying to hide from the opponents before him. He was outnumbered heavily and bleeding. He would have to be smart about this.

Glancing to the side, he saw what looked like a giant fruit plant of some kind. It was glowing a deep orange color and appeared to be full of liquid, sloshing slightly even while on the tree.

One of his trackers stepped on one of those fruits and his entire lower half blew off, barely having time to react to the bloody explosion.

"Watch out for the Boomfruit!" snapped the leader. "That shit's more lethal than most grenades!"

Saprus grinned and edged himself close to one of the Boomfruit trees. Palming one of the softball-sized fruits, he began aiming carefully.

"Not a creative name, but it'll due," he muttered tossing it into the crowd of opponents.

It impacted an enemy in the shoulder, which promptly detonated and took out three of his buddies with it. The rest were splattered by the juice, which appeared to be very disgusting and unpleasant.

**Fruit Salad +50**

**Fruit Salad +50**

**Fruit Salad +50 **

**Total: +150**

The combatants began to panic slightly, mostly form the unknown projectile flying at them from nowhere, and something else.

"Form up!" ordered the leader bracing his rifle. "We got incoming!"

Saprus raised an eyebrow when something flew past his ankles, causing him to trip and fall. Quickly looking around, he noticed the small lizard things from earlier were swarming towards the troop of soldiers eagerly, as if brought to them by some unknown instinct.

"So Boomfruit attracts the little crawlers," murmured the infected analytically. "That's useful."

The lizards rapidly overwhelmed the zookeepers, gnawing them to pieces like rats on garbage. They worked so fast it was hard to believe they had been there, the only thing in their wake being a pile of armor and weapons. Not even the bones had been spared, apparently being lugged off for some sinister purpose.

**Swarm +100**

**Swarm +100**

**Swarm +100**

**Swarm +100**

**Swarm +100**

**Total: +500**

"Nice," said Saprus edging back into the ruin to help his allies. "Gonna be using that a lot apparently."

Alan ran through the ground level of the ruins, his bayonets full of blood and his suit torn in several spots. He was dodging and weaving through the chunks of rubble and surveying equipment, trying to outrun his opponents behind him. He had to find a way to kill them fast, or he was going to be swarmed. And dying as an immortal sucked, since it took a while for the New-U System to realize he needed a new body if the previous was mostly atomized. That had happened once. Worst fifteenth birthday ever.

He was about to jump into a hole when he realized that it was going straight into an underground river, one that was very ferocious and churning violently. He grinned as he got an idea, knowing how to utilize this to his advantage.

Going further ahead, he crouched down and began firing back into the approaching crowd of enemies, utilizing his large rifle to fulfill the task.

The enemies, being trained military zookeepers, leapt to the nearest cover they could find. Unfortunately, that cover also held a rather large underground river for four unfortunate combatants as they were violently flushed away.

**Royal Flush +100 **

**Royal Flush +100 **

**Royal Flush +100**

**Royal Flush +100**

**Total: +400**

"Swish, swish, swish, four dudes in the piss!" chimed the priest grinning. "God that rhyme sucked. Better hope Rocko didn't hear that one."

Paula pressed her back into the pillar, sliding shells into her shotgun hurriedly. She had been defending a tower for the last ten minutes, which worked very well for her since there was only one entry point, but that also meant she could not escape.

"Gotta think fast, or I'm going to be pushing daisies," she muttered looking around. "Gotta be something to turn the tables."

She noted the decaying state of the building and noticed a large gas tank in the upper reaches of the roof. Rapidly doing math in her head, she got a massive devilish grin that would've made any of her male teammates freeze in fear.

"Mama's got an idea," she said charging up her gun with, the sides of it heating up rapidly.

The combatants flooded onto the floor and she sprinted to a nearby hole, sliding through it and falling off the tower. Turning slightly, she fired behind her.

The intense blast of heat engulfed through the room and the shrapnel hit the tank, penetrating the metal and hitting the flammable liquid inside.

The top layer of the ruin exploded all at once, the enemies being atomized from the detonation. Then the tower began to collapse, the internal layers completely giving way.

Paula landed on one of the sections and rolled off, trying not to get caught in the falling debris. Slamming into the ground, she crawled as fast as she could away and only turned to admire the fire when she was certain she was safely out of the flames.

**Ass Tank +100**

**Ass Tank +100**

**Ass Tank +100**

**Historical Reincineration +200**

**Indiana Collateral Jones +100**

**Indiana Collateral Jones +100**

**Indiana Collateral Jones +100**

**Total: 800**

She calmly lay back and basked in the heat of the fire, watching the burning chunks of the tower go up in smoke around her. "And to believe I got paid to do that. I love this Vault Hunter job. I'm never quitting."


	20. Chapter 20: The Android

"Ball's in your court ya bitch!" snapped Masher throwing a crumbled up napkin over at Dragola, showing his man-child tendencies yet again. He was grinning ear to ear, his bronze sheet armor clacking with every small motion of his upper body.

The redhead scowled, brushing the napkin to the floor coldly. "Just shut up you misogynist waste of chromosomes. Me and my husband can handle the Vault Hunters in our district, there is no need to worry."

"Eh? I ain't worrying. Hell, I'm hoping your bitch ass quits like Suture did. Gotta say, did not see that coming."

Tikari beside him nodded. "Yeah, but we did manage to cut his contract short, so that's nice. Got a lot of money saved from that."

"Is that all you think about darkie?"

"Yes actually, jackass."

"Cheap-ass dark-skinned son of a bitch who violently rapes his own partner. You're disgusting," spat Masher.

"Like you can talk. Do I even need to remind you of that 'party' you threw last week with all the contestants who arrived in your division?"

"And?"

"Labeling it an 'orgy' applies that there is choice in the matter. There wasn't much in your case."

Masher chuckled lowly. "Didn't take long to convince them. Couple doses of aphrodisiac, they were revving to go like Harley's on country roads. I was having a fucking ball that day."

"Revolting," muttered Elena Tear sipping her water.

The giant raised his gun across the table in his typical fashion, waving it in front of her nose. "Wanna repeat that?"

"Revolting."

Tikari chuckled. "She got you there."

"Hey guess what darkie? Eat a dick or two. It might make you feel better for the inner closet gay you got stored up since your bar mitzvah."

"I'm not Jewish."

"Oh? Would've fooled me."

Jackal leaned forward, his eyes downcast. "Listen, stop being a bunch of fucking kids and pay attention. We need to find a replacement for Suture fast. We need someone to fill his spot at Machina Medical or we're in deep shit."

"He's right," said Dragola. "Even though the Vault Hunters have the best possibility of winning, there may still be other contestants who can offer us a challenge that would otherwise not be able to without Suture here."

"Well I ain't being demoted," snapped Tikari. "I've been an assistant director for too long, getting my chain tugged by an idiot in a tuxedo for too long."

"Don't even consider me or my husband," said the redhead determined. "We both deserve this position fairly. We've worked hard to get here, and I'll be damned if I give it up without a fight."

"And no one replaces my shit," spat Masher leaning back. "No one wants my giant death trap anyway. I've been stuck with it for six years, but whatever."

Mr. Vangorium caught their attention by tapping his pencil on the table, something he did a lot as it seemed. "Ladies and gentlemen, please relax. We have a replacement already in place for our former colleague Doctor Suture. It is a non-issue. It is not an official member of our board yet, but that will be resolved shortly."

"It?" repeated Nitro hesitantly.

"Why are you calling it an it?" asked Masher nervously. "I mean, what the hell is 'it' exactly?"

The director chuckled. "In all honestly, I don't know myself. It is very effective at what it does though. Rest assured, the problem is resolved."

He stood up, adjusting his tie with one hand. "Now I must be off to attend to some immediate business. Good day." He sipped his champagne and bowed, walking out with an aura of grace and power like the rich businessman he was.

Someone stepped from the shadows behind Dragola, wrapping his arms around her from behind the chair. These arms were covered in scars, all of them horrible in size and intensity, as if he had stuck his forearms through a meat grinder. His skin was a deep black color, but quickly shifted to a more neutral tan color.

A head peaked around the edge of the chair, grinning at her with a small smile. He was a handsome man, with only two odd fringes on his forehead distracting from his looks. His brown hair was combed to part in the center, exposing his shiny orange eyes to bear.

"Hello my beloved," he said growling lowly but affectionately, like a cat in a way.

Dragola smiled, kissing the scars on his arms. "Hello to you Brittlebine. Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, thanks to you. The wounds do not hurt so much."

"They are my fault after all."

He shook his head firmly. "Nonsense. I got them protecting you. That's how we fight after all."

She smiled softly. "Yeah, I know. Let's go home shall we?"

She stood up and embraced him, revealing that she was taller than he was since his forehead rested on her shoulder easily. It was far too dark to see what he really looked like or his attire, but he appeared to be wearing dark clothing since it was so easily disguised.

Masher couldn't resist one final stab. "Hey Dragola…!"

Brittlebine rapidly flew out his arm, a thin and long needle growing clean through his skin and stretching across the table, ending at a point in front of his nose. It looked like it was made of bone, albeit a bone that was black as pitch and as dense as tempered steel.

"What do you need of my wife?" asked the scarred man blankly, never once wavering or even moving his arm.

Masher chuckled, not bothered by the death threat. "Sorry, I forgot. See ya later."

The scarred man nodded and retracted the needle, the bone sinking naturally back into his flesh and leaving a small pink spot. They both walked out together, obviously irritated at the giant for his comments towards them.

"Freaks of fucking nature," spat Masher when he was certain he was out of range, as having spikes through his head was a horrible way to spend a weekday. "God, they could at least act humble or ashamed about it."

"Suture would've reminded you humans are genetic defects considering our natural disadvantages," reminded Tikari absently. "And those two are incredibly effective combatants. And they're more functioning than most of us."

"True that," muttered Jackal nodding his head.

Masher scoffed. "Fuck that theory. I'm plenty functioning."

The dark-skinned man shrugged and stood up. "I must go. Viitta would've finished the debt collections about now and I need to make sure he got the numbers right."

He walked off briskly, showing no hesitation to stay or discuss anything with his fellow Carnival directors.

The giant sighed. "Well now all I got is the Brokest Back in The West (Jackal), the Everything-Junkie (Nitro), and Shark Bitch (Elena). Oh, right, and Stan of course. Fuck it, I'm out."

He stood up and a second man joined him, his hands clasped in front of his reverently. The assistant wore a bronze-colored long coat with metal gauntlets and boots, but his outfit was far smoother and slicker than his master's. His hair was a light gold color cut in a short fashion, his eyes a light blue color. Combined with his rounded face and thin body, he looked as if he was prepubescent and incredibly young. Despite this, he stood only two feet under his master, making him six feet in height, and his arms and legs held some muscle that indicated strength or at least dexterity.

"Master, can I know where we are going?" asked the young man politely, never looking him in the eye.

"You may," replied Masher shouldering his gun. "We're heading to this new guy. Gonna make sure he gets a proper welcoming."

"If I may Master, the last time you gave someone a proper welcoming, Mr. Vangorium was very displeased with both of us."

"What's your fucking point?"

The young man stopped walking, hesitating slightly. "It's just…I'm worried Master. What if we…?"

The giant whirled and aimed his gun at him, leveling it to his eyes with no difficulty.

The young man paused, stunned. "Master…?"

"Don't ever fucking question me you shitless bitch," snapped Masher gritting his teeth. "Last time I checked Carnifex, you aren't supposed to ask me questions. You follow and learn, and you may one day get a place at that table over there."

He diverted the gun an inch away and fired, the bullet nearly scratching him. "But keep up this shit and I will fucking kill you. Do you get that, bitch? You may speak."

Carnifex gulped, his eyes wide. "I…I understand. My greatest apologies Master."

Masher nodded and lowered the gun. Then punched him in the face roughly, knocking him into the wall.

The young man took the hit and shook it off, standing right back up but never looking him in the eyes. His Master saw eye contact as a challenge, being a rapid beast of a man probably helped in that.

The giant grinned at his quiet defiance. "I always liked you because of that look you have right now. You don't attack, you don't cry out, you just take it. You know it's stupid to fight me right now, so you don't. I respect that."

He shoved him affectionately in the shoulder, grinning his typical shit-eating grin. "Come on, let's get something to eat before we rip the new guy a second asshole. I'm buying, since your broke ass can't pay for it."

"I could perhaps find a way to make money…"

"You think I want you doing that? You gotta train bitch, you're still weaker than a limp dick in your current condition! Don't be a goddamn idiot!" Even still, his voice carried undertones of affection in it, as if talking to a close friend. "Just keep up!"

The four leftover people sat there, most of them not willing to leave.

"Why are we sitting here?!" roared Nitro, finally grateful he could get some of his energy out for a few seconds.

"I was wondering the same question," said a voice.

They all turned and saw a humanoid seated in Suture's former seat, a very odd looking humanoid. It stood as tall as Carnifex, but far bulkier with a square edge to its clothes. It wore a multi-colored robe all the way down to the floor, a design that was composed to flowers and the various vines, all of them unnaturally colored. On its head was a large square helmet, the edges of it prominently white while the rest was black, looking similar to a cage in fashion. It didn't appear to be carrying weapons, but that could've been disguised somewhere in the massive robe it wore. The reason it is referred to as an 'it' is because there was no way to determine gender at all, with even the voice being a synthetized high-pitched male voice that was definitely generated.

"Who are you?" asked Stan the Planet Slayer glancing at it oddly.

"I am C13, the district leader of the Machina Medical district of the Carnival," answered the humanoid in its synthetized voice. "I was sitting here waiting for this meeting to end so I can ask when the meeting of the district leaders happens."

The top-four district leaders shared a look of mild disbelief and confusion.

"Uh…that's this meeting," stated Jackal pointing at the table.

"He's not very bright," noted Elena Tear.

"Hmm," murmured Stan blankly.

"Little bit on the stupid side, aren't you?!" asked Nitro loudly.

The humanoid didn't react. "Oh. So…did I just miss the meeting?"

"Yeah," responded the cowboy blankly.

"Hmm…this is unfortunate. I was hoping to introduce myself to the company, but I guess I have to wait."

"One question!" roared the adrenaline junkie brazenly.

"Go ahead," said C13.

"Are you a dude or a chick because your voice does not offer any clues to any conclusion! Question MARK!"

"Actually, I was thinking the same," spoke Elena. "While gender is irrelevant in social issues, I need to know what pronouns to use around you."

"I am neither male nor female. I simply am C13."

"Ugh, too confusing," muttered Jackal annoyed. "I just won't talk to you."

"That's fine. I only came here because I was told to. I can only do what I am ordered to do."

"So…you're a robot?" asked Nitro rubbing his skull.

"No."

"But…are you human?"

"No."

"Argh!" cried the adrenaline junkie collapsing in his chair. "I hate my life! Just kidding, I love life! I love death! I love my energy bars!"

"We see that," murmured Elena blankly. She stood up. "I must return to my district."

"See ya," stated the cowboy tipping his hat.

Nitro flew up from his seat, pumping his fist. "I gotta get going too! I still have laps to run today! And I go!"

He flew from the room, moving so fast that dust was kicked up in his wake and he almost seemed to leave afterimages of himself as he moved.

"He really should control himself," muttered Elena following the afterimages to the door, moving with undeniable grace and skill.

"Aye," agreed Stan getting out of his chair. He grabbed his helmet and planted it on his head, walking with a blank energy that could've been written off as callousness.

Once the two were alone, Jackal glanced hostilely at the humanoid. "I get the feeling I've seen you before, and it's disturbing the hell out of me."

C13 glanced at him with the front of the helmet, its eyes invisible beneath the blackness. "I am unaware of any records of you."

"Yeah, yeah, keep talking I Robot. I'm going to figure you out."

"That is fine."

Jackal stood up, adjusting his jacket and pistols in one motion. "Goodbye Astro Man. I'll be back later."

He left the room and C13 chuckled to itself, clearly amused by what was happening. "I am a good kid."

**Well, C13 is based off a couple characters. Believe me, he is kinda important. Here's the bases I used for him.**

**BG9 from Bleach (Yeah, the robot with the mini-gun)**

**HK-47 from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (the crazy homicidal robot)**

**Tobi from Naruto (just look at his last quote)**


	21. Chapter 21: Insanity

**[Richard McGuiness] "So, you see our newest district leader?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "C13? Yeah, I think it's a robot of some kind."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, it's odd bullshit-science smart phone with a couple of apps."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well it's a really nice smart phone. Wish my iTele came with that kinda stuff."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "You think we gonna cover it much in this story?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Doubtful. Our main protagonists are past it. We'd be lucky if they even gave a gloss-over of it."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Damn. Oh well."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Wait, we're on the Vault Hunter ship right now. I thought they weren't in broadcast range."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "They are now. Apparently they moved closer or something. Whatever. Makes it convenient for the plot."**

"Scalpel."

"Scalpel." A large blade dropped into a red-stained white glove, kicking up a small splash of liquid from the wet surface.

"Swab."

"Swab." A clean white swab was wiped over a sweaty brow, being immediately discarded afterwards.

"Chocolate."

"Chocolate." A small chunk of chocolate was tossed into an awaiting mouth, chomping on it earnestly.

Doctor Suture licked his lips, savoring the sweet Nurse Katelyn had deposited into his mouth. "Mm, caramel and milk chocolate."

He glanced at the specimen on his table, a dissected jelly doughnut. It appeared to be pulsating slightly, as if it was breathing. "Specimen is still responsive, despite repeated assaults on all known vital spots. I am unable to certify if it is sentient, but it is capable of responding to Hailey Pyrus's music video. Though in all honesty, I've met rocks who reacted with more positive reactions than this doughnut did."

Just to remind him of the reaction the doughnut had to the previous video, it spewed a blast of red jelly at his face. It splattered him in the eye, blinding him temporarily.

"Apparently it memorized the pop star's name," he noted calmly as Katelyn wiped his face off. "That indicates basic intelligence at least. Quick! Ask it a Trivial Chase question!"

"What are the top leading causes of heterosexual divorces?" asked the Nurse to the doughnuts, not at all bothered by the ridiculous concept of interrogating a fried bread product.

It spat a wad of jelly at her, landing right in the cleavage of her outfit.

"Damn it that was a Family Fight question!" snapped Suture angrily. "Okay, questions are obviously not working. I am beginning to think it is not sentient, but is capable of memorization, a basic animal instinct."

"How was it formed?" asked Katelyn absently replacing her shirt, knowing full well he would never turn his head to even glance at her in the middle of an operation.

"That mystery has so far alluded me. I detect no radiation, nor genetic experimentation. It is as if it was born like this. Perhaps I have discovered a new species."

"Shouldn't we keep it alive then? What if it's endangered?"

"If it's endangered, it'd be a real shame if I didn't take its organs apart."

He grinned, flashing more of his scalpels in his fists. "Let's dissect."

"Wait!" roared a voice bursting through his door.

He glanced up and saw a rather, um, robust female standing in the doorway.

"What are you doing to my doughnut!?" roared Not-So-Tiny Tina. She turned to a random direction. "By the way audience, that's right. I'm back bitches. But back to the main reason I walked in from stage right: What are you doing to my doughnut?"

"Science!" exclaimed Suture excitedly.

She looked generally interested. "Really? So that scientist thing was legit?"

"Yes. Unlike your resident Doctor Zed, my medical degree is actually legitimate. Would you like to participate?"

"Oh yeah! What do I gotta do Doc?"

"Get a lab coat. Goggles and face mask optional, I prefer neither."

Tina ran over to a side room, the sounds of clothing being discarded being heard. Then she appeared, wearing a lab coat that lay completely open, absolutely nothing underneath it except for her pants.

"Damn it my bazongas won't fit!" she snapped aggravated, trying to pull the fabric over them to no avail.

The combination of such an attractive girl in a lab coat and her rather revealed breasts would've killed most men from nasal blood loss, but Suture was dignified. He calmly reached to his waist and ripped his belt off, his pants staying in due to their thin design.

"Take this and tie it around your coat," he instructed sternly. "It should prevent your breasts from interfering with your outfit."

She nodded and tightened it to the best of her ability, at least covering the more private areas of the breasts from being exposed to the open air. And the rather sensitive nurse-fetishist doctor.

"Okay, now, stand near the subject."

She popped over, peering over the dissected doughnut with glee. "What now?"

The doughnut spat at her, hitting her right in the face.

"Oh God it's like hentai but without the tentacles!" she roared wiping her face rapidly in terror.

"I will ignore that comment," muttered Suture blankly. "Swab her Nurse Katelyn."

"What's she gonna do?!" asked Tina panicking slightly. "Because I'm not in the mood for anything like that if you know what I'm saying home dawg!"

"It's just to clean your face," assured Nurse Katelyn wiping the face of the young girl. "I wish I could be working with Doctor Suture. He is a genius."

"Yes I am," stated the surgeon. "Now please return to the subject when you are ready."

"It's not gonna climax all over my face again is it?"

"The action you are referring to is highly unlikely to be the same action as what this subject is currently doing, as the refuse it is depositing is its internal organs. At least I think, it could just be jelly."

Tina leaned back in, shielding her face with her forearm. "What now?"

"I am going split it in half and see what happens."

"Will that hurt?" she asked mildly concerned.

"By my standards or the Geneva's Convention?"

"Uh…"

"It's going to hurt like the dickens on this thing."

Tina grinned, her mood rapidly swinging like a pendulum. "Make it suffer! Do it! Do it!"

"I love the way you think," stated Suture giving a shark grin.

He split the flesh in a perfect line, pulling the doughy exterior further back. Then he cut through, leaving it in two pieces.

The two pieces then began to squirm and shifted towards each other, as if they were trying to fuse together.

"Oh God it's having sex with itself!" yelled Tina. "Is that masturbation or incest?!"

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Where did you get this subject from?"

"It's my uncle's recipe."

"What does it call for?"

"You know, standard stuff. Flour, salt, yeast, butter, sugar, water, corn oil, strawberry jam, caster sugar, cinnamon, five freshly-picked virgin souls. The basics."

Suture glanced at the convulsing donut. "That explains a lot."

"The virgin souls?"

"No."

He raised his scalpel high, his eyes burning with fury. "This donut was made…WITHOUT EGGS!"

He stabbed it violently, denting the table with the force. He began to repeat this at a furious rate, throwing medical equipment and jelly everywhere.

He threw the scalpel away when he was certain the doughnut had stopped moving, panting heavily. "Well…that killed it."

Tina popped her out from behind a table, having taken cover when he began his fit. "You done?"

"I think so."

"Good. You owe me a donut."

Suture nodded, stripping his lab coat off and revealing his toned chest covered in jelly. "Now would be a good time to depart. Oh, and I'm going to need that lab coat back."

Tina grinned and threw it off, leaving her bare from the waist up. "Of course! Here you go!"

He grabbed it, not at all bothered by her partial nakedness. "Thank you."

The girl stopped, confused by his calmness. "Most people either freak out or nosebleed when I get naked. Why don't you?"

"Unless you're nude on an operating table, I find no interest in you. And I grew up without any social taboos."

Tina gasped. "Me too! It's so refreshing to meet another enlightened individual such as yourself!"

"I agree."

"Methinks we should become acquaintances on Saturdays and Wednesdays over cups of tea and crumpets, with salad for our midday meal."

"I think that sounds pleasant."

Tina began walking out, then remember that she was shirtless. "Oh, right. Can't let that creep Mel see me without a shirt. He'd probably die of glee or something."

"How rude. He could at least stay conscious enough to hold a conversation."

"That's what I'm saying! Anyway, gotta get going! Bye!"

She skipped off happily, seemingly glad she had made a new friend.

"She left without her shirt," said Nurse Katelyn, another 'enlightened' individual who had no social taboos for nudity or anything else for that matter.

"I noticed that as well. I think she had other things in mind."

"Should we remind her?"

"I see no reason to do that. Now…"

He wiped a strand of jelly from his chest and licked it, savoring the flavor. "I think I'll have a strawberry bath today."

"Of course. I will draw one for you."

"Yes. And make the bath too."

Katelyn grabbed a nearby artist easel and pencil, walking towards the bathroom to draw/make a bath.

"Good. Now…"

He looked around at his messy lab and noted the bits of doughnut guts, trashed medical equipment and various miscellaneous items such as toothbrushes and ointment.

"Well everything appears to be in order," he stated walking towards the bathroom. "Time for that strawberry bath."

**That scene…I don't know what that scene was based off of. **


	22. Chapter 22: Napoleon

**[Richard McGuiness] "Heh, I've been wondering something."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Wow, normally I'm the one with all the questions. I'm going to revel in the sensation. Ask away, I might know the answer."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I don't know what revel means, but whatever. You know how last season Bellum lost all its top men despite the fact they were the best?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, it was actually kinda funny."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well, these new people. That crow guy Karasu, and the twins John and Jane…you think they're gonna kick the bucket too?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I hope not. The twins are just so cute. I'd gladly join them in their little House sessions…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "That's disgusting dude! God, they're prepubescent!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "How do you know that!? Pervert!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "You're calling ME the pervert? I oughta strangle you for that!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh, I like choking…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Damn it man!"**

"Okay, we've been running around this freaking jungle for the last two hours, where the FUCK are we?!" roared Dion aggravated, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"Greenie's right," stated Alan sighing deeply. "I'm getting bored out of my goddamn skull at this rate."

"Oh have some patience," snapped Paula annoyed slightly. "It's not like your input is helping. You apparently watched this show for forever, and you didn't even memorize a basic blueprint."

"Hey! They change the damn layout every year! Each district leader updates that design further by moving their main base, as well as the various attractions and shops present in the district. The whole point of the game is to be random."

"The journeys are irrelevant," stated Saprus calmly, walking forward without a hitch in his breath, despite being 60 years in body and mind. "What matters is each event and how you react to it. Every fight, ever encounter, is an event. Those matter."

Alan, 87 years in mind but 17 in body, sighed deeply. "Damn. I'm nearly three decades older than you and that sounded smarter than half the shit that comes out of my freaking mouth. I think I'm going senile."

"Insanity is just liberation from limitations," stated the artist grinning.

"That was a clever alliteration," complimented the infected.

"Thanks. I did poetry for a while, then I realized that it didn't blow up so well, so I quit."

"Sounds like you," noted Dion blankly.

"Yeah. I am kinda predictable."

**[Richard McGuiness] "Her debut episode speaks against that immensely."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "That was like, Chapters 5 and 6 right?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Think so. Let me scroll back…yep 5 and 6."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ah, it feels like it was just yesterday…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well tough shit, since it was like two weeks ago."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Don't be so tough on me. Or at least…not in that boring way…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I hear that tone in your voice, and I know you're talking about sex and it pisses me off!"**

The four Vault Hunters reached a small building in the jungle, a construct made of stainless steel and concrete. It looked out of place in the vegetation, but was fairly well disguised due to the foliage growing over the sides and roof with only small patches revealing its true skin.

"Does this building look familiar?" asked Paula prepping her shotgun.

"Yeah, this is definitely the leader's building," replied Alan gripping his bayonets. "They've been using the same one for this district for a while, and it appears to have not changed a bit."

"Odd how it's so far off the beaten paths," noted Dion casually.

"To find something that is lost sometimes you must become lost yourself," spoke Saprus wisely.

"That made my brain hurt just thinking about it," muttered the priest rubbing the side of his head.

The Titan shrugged, not really caring for proverbial wisdom at the moment. He planted a hand on the door, his teammates stepping behind him with their weapons ready. "Let's go."

They charged in and assumed position, the tank of their group stepping forward.

"Come on out!" called Dion loudly.

"Yeah, we're just gonna murder ya violently!" chimed Alan.

"That's not a great way to lure people out," muttered Paula dejectedly.

"She's right," agreed Saprus.

"Ah eat my dick, it was supposed to be funny!"

Two people walked from the shadows of the room, arms locked similar to a couple going to a dance. The male was shorter, his skin a deep tan color. His hair was dark brown and parted in the center, two odd fringe patterns on his forehead peeking out like bits of his skull under the skin. His eyes were a deep orange color, hostile yet tamed. His outfit consisted of a simple set of black leather pants, being completely bare from the chest up. This exposed the extensive collection of scars all over his body, some of them the size of dots, others long lines that extended feet in length. He looked like he had been assaulted in a chainsaw factory or something of the like anyway. Despite this, he was still handsome, if you're into scars of course.

The woman was taller than him, and possessed fair color skin that glowed in contrast to his. Her hair was crimson and flowed flamboyantly down to her shoulders, wrapping around her shoulders in long curls. She was wearing a set of brown leather armor that hugged her tightly, but nonetheless would provide significant protection even against bullets judging by its impeccable state. Around her neck was an elegant scarlet scarf, with gold embroidery that was far too intricate to be machine-made.

"Oh, who are you four?" asked the woman calmly, smiling gently despite their angry attitudes.

The male growled in his throat, but she stopped him with a small hand on his heart.

"Relax dearest."

He nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on them watchfully. He wrapped his arms protectively around her, like a lion protecting his cubs.

Paula practically died in a similar fashion as the Jane and John incident from earlier. "What is it with this jungle?! It's like….like…like its romantic heaven or something!"

"Considering the chances of being eaten alive, I'd bet it's more like Hell," noted Saprus blankly.

The woman chuckled. "Yes, well, this place is a bit dangerous, isn't it? We'd apologize, but it's not our fault regardless."

Dion sighed. "Crap. Yet again we find another pair of lovers and not our destination. This sucks."

"Why can't the district leaders be polite?" argued Alan. "I mean, Stan the Planet Slayer was always polite, even as a competitor."

"He's got a point," noted Paula. "Not all villains are assholes."

"Villain?" snapped the male gritting his teeth, which appeared to be fangs of some kind. "That's a bold claim to pass on someone you just met."

"Dearest, don't be rash," urged the female. "It's possible it was a mistake."

"You're right it's a mistake," muttered Dion dejectedly. "We got the wrong place. These two couldn't kill my already-dead relatives. Let's go."

"Hmm, for shame," said the female. "I thought we'd have guests today."

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out, shorty," spat the male.

The Titan stopped mid-way through the door, his face blank. "What…what did that man just say?"

"Oh shit," murmured Saprus with wide eyes behind his goggles. "That guy just pushed Dion's button big time."

"You're telling me greenette has a Napoleon complex?" asked Alan slightly astonished.

"Never would've guessed," said Paula honestly. "He always seemed so confident…"

Dion whirled around, his hair blowing off his face as the steam blew from his pores, the water in his body boiling from the sheer heat he was emitting from his core. "I'M NOT SHORT I'M JUST A LATE BLOOMER OKAY?! AAARRGH!"

He turned to his teammates, tightening his fists so hard they began to ache. "ALRIGHT! NOW THIS SHIT IS PERSONAL!"

Saprus shook his head with a chuckle, prepping his Hustler. "Well, this isn't the way I wanted to start a fight, but you are a friend of mine. Your honor is my honor, so I must defend it."

"I wanted a fight anyway," stated Alan sliding into a battle stance. "These douchewaffles ain't got shit compared us."

Paula grinned, overjoyed at the prospect. "I've never painted a couple in bullets before. This should be a learning experience for me."

The male stepped forward and glared at them. "Back down, now. I won't warn you again."

"I ain't backing down from a guy who called me short," snapped Dion defensively. "You don't have room to talk either."

The male narrowed his eyes, then flared out his arms. From underneath his skin burst a huge array of black bones, expanding outwards into a spiky natural armor that looked like something a demon would wield. He snapped his neck back into place, having grown the spikes all along his spine as well.

"Stay behind me Dragola," ordered the man growling deeply.

The woman sighed, slowly unzipping something along her spine. "Honestly Brittlebine, I was hoping on having a relaxing day. But I guess we wound up in a fight. Oh well."

She stood straight and a pair of black scaled wings emerged from her back. They looked reptilian in a fashion, claws on the top edge of them that were dried with blood that was likely her own. They weren't small instruments either, these were incredibly large and could've easily lifted her if needed, being nearly fifteen feet on each wing.

"Let's give them a wild night," said the woman grinning, panting black flames from between her teeth.

Dragola reached to her pocket, lifting it so they could see it clearly. It was a metallic skull about the same size as the Chrome Badge. This one, however, appeared to be covered in vegetation and moss, as if it was had been caught in the wilderness for days.

"This is the Wilderness Badge," stated Dragola calmly. "If you win, you get this and can move on to the Shadow Estate, the next district. If you lose, well, you can try again and again until you do. Isn't respawning awesome?"

"Just shut up and begin the fight. I wanna deck your boyfriend in the face," snapped Dion.

"The feeling is mutual," countered Brittlebine.

The woman nodded, than flapped her wings once and released a huge gust of wind. Flying into the air, she grinned above them with an evil glare. "Let's get this started."


	23. Chapter 23: Survival of The Fittest

**[Richard McGuiness] "Why do we always break before the fights? Is this gonna become a regular thing?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Our producer asked us to do that to torture the audience and keep them addicted. And to answer your other question: yes. This is going to happen A LOT."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Dick. Oh well, at last the fights are good."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Amen to that."**

Dion sprinted at his enemy, his aura as hot as most conventional ovens. Raising his fist to strike, he collected a ball of plasma in front of his knuckles to increase the heat threefold and turn it white-hot for extra power.

Brittlebine blocked the strike with a set of bones jutting from his forearms, the black spines resisting the heat fairly well. Shoving him away, he spun on his heel and slashed his opponent with the back of his foot, splitting the skin on his chest.

The Titan barely felt the cut, charging right back in retaliation. Swinging wildly, he wasn't able to hit his opponent due to his agile dodging that seemed to break several rules of human anatomy.

The reptile ducked under the fifth swing and rotated his spine back into place, cracking it to slide the vertebrae into their natural positions. Bending his arm backwards against the joint, he grabbed the oddly-bended arm and snapped it forward, the razor blade spines at the edges shredding the chest of his enemy.

Dion roared in frustration and grabbed his arm. Slamming his fist down into it, he heard a satisfying crunch until the bone reattached itself together and smacked him across the face.

Brittlebine backed up to give him some space, but quickly got stabbed twice through the chest from behind with two long blades.

"Got ya," taunted Alan Fitzgerald grinning madly, his bayonets handle-deep in his opponent.

The reptile leaped forward and grappled the Titan. Throwing himself forward, he landed safely while the Titan landed in a heap from the flying tackle.

"Fucking scaly dick!" snapped Dion angrily. "I'm gonna make you into a couple belts, bitch!"

Brittlebine grinned, merely amused by his comments. Spinning widely, he blocked the strike from his priest enemy and kept moving backwards, deflecting blows as he went.

Dragola flew into the rafters and pulsated a ball of black fire from her mouth. It ate through the steel on the ground and seemed to eat at the floor beneath that, something that was far hotter than normal fire.

Saprus dodged to the side and fired with his own Plaque IX, the black gas eating the roof around her. She nimbly skittered around it and began firing back rapidly, filling the air with fireballs as black as darkness.

Paula Picassa ran in and fired at one of them, dissipating the relatively-solid ball into harmless gas. Raising her shotgun to her sights, she nailed the flying humanoid in the left wing.

Dragola rolled in the air, catching herself in an upward draft to prevent herself from crashing. Snarling in anger, she glanced at the damaged wing, the appendage already healing from some inborn ability.

"They both can regenerate and are physically very tough," muttered the infected analytically. "There must be something to take them down."

"Well ya got any ideas?" asked Alan hurriedly blocking a bone spine to the chest from Brittlebine. "Since this guy's damn good and I'm only a humble holy fucking paladin."

"Don't get distracted!" snapped Dragola dive-bombing Saprus, grabbing him and tossing him across the gym like a ragdoll.

"Saprus!" yelled Paula turning to his body.

"Behind you!" he shouted in term, raising his SMG even while prone on the ground.

The artist turned and got smashed to the floor by the flying humanoid, cracking the concrete from the impact. She grunted in pain, blood beginning to drip from her mouth. "Girlfriend, you gonna die now."

Dragola chuckled, pressing her face closer tauntingly. "Bring it then. I'm waiting."

She stopped, noticing the red-hot pistol right next to her head. It looked like it was smoking from some internal engine activating, but she knew exactly what it was from the footage they took of her opponent.

"Art is a bang bitch!" snapped Paula firing the Mad Art-enhanced pistol.

The explosive round dug through the flying humanoid's head, shattering bone and incinerating internal structures before escaping with a violent explosion out of the back. This only briefly stopped her, however, as she regenerated from it enough to head-butt her opponent into the dirt in a matter of seconds.

"Brat," snarled Dragola angrily, most of her face still coming back together even though she was capable of moving. She raised a clawed hand, grinning at her terror. "I'm gonna take those pretty eyes of yours first."

Saprus ran in and kicked her off his teammate, grunting in effort. Unlocking his left glove fluidly, he fired Plaque IX right into her chest.

The disease ate through skin and tissue like water through paper, boiling muscles and blood into bubbles that spilled from her pores. It didn't regenerate, indicating that it could override her body's natural healing ability.

Dragola bashed them with her wing, throwing them off her. Stumbling with the gaping corrosive wound in her chest, she gritted her teeth and flapped into the air again. Breathing in deep, she emitted a huge column of fire from her mouth that rolled over the floor like a wave.

Paula threw herself in front of her teammate, blocking the flames with her shield. It busted it clean down and mildly singed her skin, but she was already coming back from the wounds.

"Damn that stings," she muttered waving her arms in a vein effort to cool them off.

"Thanks," stated Saprus graciously.

"No problem."

The two district leaders retreated to the back of the gym, licking their wounds in their brief respite.

"Are you alright?" asked Brittlebine through a chest of broken reforming ribs.

"I should be asking you dearest," replied Dragola wiping the melted black chunks of tissues from her chest, the wound stabilized for the moment. "But I am fine."

"Good. Let's finish them."

Alan grinned, crouching down. "Well then, I have no reason to make this fight last longer. I was having fun, but I guess it's time to finish it."

He made a cross with his bayonets, grinning as his own wings burst from his flesh. "Amen!"

"Amen to that," snapped Dion raising his new SMG, cocking back the hammer and preparing the immense magazine.

Saprus grunted, raising the Hustler to his shoulder. "Listen, I won't spare you two, but I have to ask: Why did you join the Carnival? Suture joined to gain new subjects for his science, so it's a decent reason. What's yours?"

Brittlebine paused, stunned at his question. "Not many ask us our motives. Typically most people just shoot us mutants."

Dragola nodded, flapping her wings to remain steady in the air. "Being mutant means that no one else will hire us, not even military forces. We're naturally persecuted and hated by others because our genes are harmful. We were offered this job and we jumped at the opportunity."

She smiled at her husband. "He even let us stay together for our job. We couldn't refuse."

Paula nodded. "That makes sense. I respect that."

"Does it matter?" snapped Dion aggressively. "It's a fight. Right and wrong is thrown out the fucking window when someone throws a punch."

"Sometimes it does matter," objected Saprus, trying to install his age-old wisdom to the younger man. "Knowing that you fought a good person means you can respect them after your fight. Knowing they were bad means you don't have to feel bad."

"I never feel guilt or respect," spat the Titan. "I reserve those to people I don't kill."

"Greenette has a point," stated Alan spinning his blades in his Evil Angel form. "If they're good people you kill, well, just pray for repentance. If they're heathens, well, whatever. They had it coming."

He glanced at the two mutants, almost reluctantly. "Well, you two are good people, so God forgive me for what I'm about to do."

Brittlebine nodded. "I would ask God for forgiveness, if I knew he hadn't turned his back to me and cast me in the dark."

"I know that feel. And only in the darkness of despair can you find the light of God."

The reptile paused. "Perhaps I will know what you speak."

He spun and revealed new spines from his shoulder blades and legs, growing to a full porcupine appearance across his body. "But today, I kill you."

The priest grinned sadistically. "Fucking bring it. You face a holy fucking soldier of God here…"

He flew forward, kicking up chunks of the floor from the force of his feet hitting. "…and the Lord stands with me! I will not fall!"

They clashed and immediately deflected off each other, sliding back from the force. Resuming their brawl, they rapidly struck each other so fast it was hard to keep track of them, the mutant using the thousands of bladed spines with Alan only using two. Despite this, neither could successfully hit each other, a testament to both of their skills.

Dion ran in with his Plasma Rage active, pushing himself further than usual to make damn sure his opponent died. As a result, his skin was beginning to split along the neck and face, bright blue lines crisscrossing over his skin like accented veins. Swinging with ferocity, he grabbed the closest thing he could find on his opponent and slammed his head forward, detonating and throwing the reptile along the floor.

Brittlebine rolled back to his feet and lashed out at him, growing and retracting spines to increase their lethal range and his flexibility.

The Titan felt several major arteries in his neck and chest shred with the assault, but ignored the pain and kept moving forward.

Alan stepped in and slashed with his now chainsaw-like bayonets, finally sawing through the spines and hitting bare skin.

The reptile backed up in mild fear, but the priest was already closing in for the kill. Planting his foot inside his enemy's guard, he plunged both the blades right into his lungs and heart, throwing red blood all over the floor.

"Brittlebine!" yelled Dragola frantically, still fighting off her opponents.

Brittlebine grunted and grappled Alan, raising a fist that rapidly grew a single spike from the knuckles.

"Die," said the reptile lunging at him from close-range.

Then his body stopped, the spike an inch from piercing Alan's left eye. His heart was no longer capable of pumping blood, the blades having slowly but surely killed him.

The priest gently lay him down on the ground, placing the deceased hand's in a X shape over his chest. Closing the mutant's eyes reverently, the priest bowed his head and muttered a prayer.

"Rest well, Brittlebine," stated Alan respectfully, showing his true nature as a paladin. "That was a good fight."

Dragola gritted her teeth, her rage building out of pain and grief. "You…bastards!"

She flew at him, throwing flames across the ground in a huge ray in front of her.

Alan rolled out of the way and raised his shotgun. "Sorry lady, but business is business."

He fired, knocking her out of the sky and causing her to smash into the floor.

The dragonoid glanced at her useless left wing, a huge burning gash in the center of it, and grunted. Grabbing it firmly, she ripped it off with a huge tug and did the same to the right wing.

"I don't need them to kill you!" she snapped running across the ground, the lost weight of her wings increasing her speed exponentially.

She slid across the floor and slashed at Alan's leg, throwing him head-over-heels and smashing his head into the ground.

"Fuck!" exclaimed Alan biting the dust, or more specifically the concrete floor that was recently polished on Thursday.

Paula stepped in and shot her point-black with her pistol, tearing through the left shoulder and shattering the bones.

Dragola receded from the pain, but one glance at her dead husband quickly returned the fury into her body.

Lunging at the artist, she shredded her abdomen with a wide claw, splitting skin and rupturing intestines.

Saprus fired a bolt of Plaque IX right in her arm, the disease eating the bones and reducing it to a disintegrating stump. This also robbed her of one of her natural weapons, as well as generally causing a ton of pain.

Dion then whirled in and punched her in the forehead, the plasma transferring into her body and detonating inside her nervous system, an assault no one could get back from.

Dragola collapsed against the ground, right beside her husband. She glanced at his body for a moment, before closing her eyes.

**Group Challenge Fulfilled: Slay Brittlebine and Dragola **

**Death of a Thousand Shots +200**

**One Arm Jack +50**

**Clipped Bird +50**

**Punch Out +100**

**Evil Angel +50 (Unique Kill: Alan)**

**Diseased +50 (Unique Kill: Dion)**

**Art is A Bang +50 (Unique Kill: Paula)**

**Seeing Red +50 (Unique Kill: Dion)**

**Boss Encounter: +1000**

**Total Group Points: +1600**

Both of their bodies began to disintegrate into data, the numerical codes flying through the air and disappearing into the ceiling above. In their place was the Wilderness Badge, lying right in the center of where they had died.

Alan grabbed it and spun the Badge in his fingers, grinning widely. "Well, that makes two. Damn shame we had to kill such good people to get it."

"That kinda loses impact when you realize they respawn," reminded Paula analytically.

"Oh shut up! Dying sucks dick!" roared Dion. "I would know!"

Saprus chuckled, propping his rifle onto his shoulder. "Let's head back home. We gotta figure out where this Shadow Estate is, and what intel Suture has on it."


	24. Chapter 24: Hottest Girl in Gaming

**[Richard McGuiness] "Whoa! Damn! Didn't think they'd beat Brittlebine and Dragola so quickly! These guys rock!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I'll give them props, they're doing very well. But I wonder how they're gonna fight Viitra and Tikari, the Immortal Combo."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, those guys are good, no doubts there. Whatever happens, we'll be commentating on it. And we'll get paid."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Heh, true dat. Who cares who wins, we get paid regardless. Just like…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "No! You are not making another sex joke!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Damn it."**

Mad Moxxi strutted across the bar, her red high heels splashing in the bile and spilt alcohol present on the floor. She had been fired on the ship as their official bartender, which meant she served drinks and got ogled at by the men and women crewmembers for a living. She didn't mind. They tipped better, they were less rowdy, and they were far better looking than any on Pandora.

"What can I get ya cutie?" asked the barmaid leaning towards one of her repeat customers, a very cute one she had a crush on. Or more specifically, his money.

"Rum. Strongest you got," stated Dion planting a pile of money on the table.

She winked and slid it from under the bar, twirling it in front of him provocatively. "Got it just for you. Just had a…_feeling_…you'd want it."

He grinned. "Heh, a feeling huh? Anything I can do about that?"

"Don't waste your time greenie," stated Lupus Cithara sliding next to him. "Moxxi's standards are actually pretty decent, as of late anyway. Trying to settle down again Moxxi?"

She pouted cutely, popping her bosom slightly with the motion. "Maybe I am handsome. That's not wrong, is it?"

"Course not. Bourbon please."

She muttered something and grabbed it, glaring at the guitarist slightly annoyed. "You and your damn manners. You act so polite to all the girls, but you don't hit any of them. You do the same to the guys. I can't tell anything about you handsome."

"I prefer it that way," muttered Lupus sipping the earthy beverage. "Whatever isn't music is irrelevant now. Relationships are great, but I gotta keep entertaining my audience. That's the most important thing."

"And when a beautiful young maiden just falls in your lap?" asked Moxxi grinning widely. "What will you do then?"

"Same thing I do to all of them. Give them some advice and help them on their way. Believe me, anyone settling on me is making one hell of a mistake."

"Oh how noble!" yelled Alan Fitzgerald walking into the room, plopping down on one of the bar stools. He wrapped his arm around the guitarist's shoulder, drawing him uncomfortably close. "You just want them to be happy, that's all that matters! You are like the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot!"

"More like the Black Knight," murmured Lupus dismissively. "I could give a shit less about those people. They were distracting."

"Ah, you're a dick."

"No doubts there."

Moxxi smiled at Alan, leaning forward in her typical way to show off her breasts. "What's your poison sexy?"

"Holy shit she called me sexy!" exclaimed the priest grinning widely.

"So what? She calls me cutie," argued Dion.

"She calls me handsome too," noted Lupus.

"But none of those are close to sexy!" snapped Alan.

"True enough," said Moxxi winking at him. "What you having to drink?"

"I'm looking at it," he said smoothly.

Dion rolled his eyes. "God, you're just awful you know that?"

"And? I could care less."

Baldemar joined them then, to the surprise of nearly everyone, and plopped down on the bar stool. His hair was only lightly combed, his wrist still in the broken handcuff from earlier. His shirt was torn slightly along the back and collar, exposing his toned muscles that appeared to have grown somewhat since his stay on the ship.

"This is a surprise," noted Max Moxxi glancing at him. " I thought you and Gaige were…_exercising_…earlier."

"I was able to escape for a bit," he explained grinning. "Man, I feel wiped. I need a drink."

As the barmaid grabbed his favorite alcoholic beverage, Dion glanced at his longtime friend mournfully. "Man, when are you getting back on the team? This new priest guy is a total dick, and that other chick is fucking insane."

"Hey! I'm not that bad!" protested Alan.

Dion looked at him with a glare that could've frozen blood. "Let me list off the shit you've done in the two weeks you've been on the team. You drank from three different cartons of milk, wrote graffiti over two different bulkheads, replaced all the favorites on our TV with sitcoms none of us even knew existed, insulted Space Wars for its crappy special effects, and drank all my rum in my private stash."

"Do you have any more?" asked the priest, slightly embarrassed and cowed from the brutal listing of his crimes.

"Well, you also stole all the bras of every single female crewmember on this ship and threw them in Wolfenstein's room, completely destroyed a Super-Bouncy Ball despite its 'indestructible' warranty, replaced all our poker decks with Uno cards, and made all of our dice weighted."

Alan threw up his hands in defeat. "Okay, I get it! I'm a bit of a dick!"

"I don't think 'a bit' fits who you are," noted Lupus blankly. "You are like, the Caesar of dicks on this ship. All other dicks bow before an image of you on a golden shrine. You are like, the Alpha and Omega of dicks."

They all looked at him with a look of surprise and mild fear.

"What?"

"You think, WAY too hard about things," said Baldemar.

"Yeah, that was really thought out," muttered Dion.

Lupus sipped his bourbon, standing up and flipping them the bird all in one motion. "Go fuck yourselves."

He left promptly, leaving the others in confusion as to his actions.

"…he really is a weird guy," murmured Alan.

"Yeah," agreed the Titan. "Wonder what's up his ass. Maybe he sat on his guitar by accident."

Moxxi smiled knowingly, having ascertained the problem of the musician. "He's just mad because Paula is here."

"Why? He doesn't have to work with her," said Dion rubbing his temples. "Lord knows I wish I didn't have to."

"It's a simple answer cutie. Lupus is an artist, however unorthodox in his methods. Paula is one too. Professional rivalry."

"Huh, that makes sense," stated Baldemar glancing at the departing musician. "Now that I think about it, they're the only two artists on this entire ship. I guess it's natural."

Moxxi smiled mischievously. "Or, he could be falling for her. That's something I see a lot of in this bar."

"Lupus? In love? That guy feels less than a toaster," argued Dion.

"Cutie, everyone feels something to someone," said the barmaid. "It just takes a tough enough knife to split through that armor."

"Well, hope it works for him," said Alan raising his glass.

They clashed them together, showing a brief bit of camaraderie despite their belligerence to one another.

Baldemar glanced at his watch after downing his drink, grinning widely at what he saw. "Listen, I gotta get back or Gaige is gonna march here and have her way with me."

"I wouldn't mind watching," stated Alan cheekily.

"I don't usually allow that in my place, but I'd made an exception if you let me record it," proposed Moxxi tipping her hat.

"I'll pass, for the moment," said the inventor standing up. "Don't worry Dion, I'll be back on the team eventually. Lilith wants to test these new guys out, and you and Saprus are the most skilled to do the job."

"That doesn't make sense," argued the Titan. "Taika is the newest El Cazador, and you are a master inventor. How am I a better option?"

"Well, you are one of the most powerful Titans in the universe. Hell, you're tougher than Suture who's nearly twice your age. And Saprus is…well…he's like the reincarnation of the Grim Reaper."

Dion sighed. "Yeah. Just…hurry up and fuck Gaige's brains out okay? I am really getting tired of Paula and her goddamn insanity."

"Well Lupus might take care of it for you," said Alan sneering. "He might domesticate that crazy punk chick."

"Domesticate Paula? I'd consider suicide an easier route for a quick death."

* * *

Saprus rubbed the braid in front of his eyes analytically, almost like a cat clawing a hanging ball. He did so casually, having taken his medication to be out of his suit for the next two hours.

"So Suture, what can you tell me about the Shadow Estate?" asked the infected still playing with the strand of braided hair.

The surgeon was calmly sitting at a table in his room, a large textbook on the top. This textbook was strapped down and being torn to shreds, each page carefully removed and studied before being placed on individual trays for further investigation. It was incredibly complex, and mostly unnecessary considering textbooks have the same format all the way through.

"Well, the Shadow Estate is one of the newest sections of the park," said Suture removing a page on lemon pudding from the book with a pair of tweezers. "It represents the horror theme of amusement parks, where Machina Medical represented futuristic and Triassic Gardens represented prehistoric. That's a common theme of the Carnival by the way, so expect it more often. The Shadow Estate is full of some of the deadliest creatures we possess, as each one is something straight out of nightmares."

"Hmm. Go on."

"Well the district leaders are the Immortal Combo, Tikari and Viitta. Tikari is a greedy miser who thinks only with money, and is incredibly logical. Viitta is a violent hedonist who seeks only his own pleasure, even willing to think in the long-term for it. They're considered immortal because very few have ever killed them or even injured them. Come to think of it, their ratio of wins to losses is odd compared to everyone else. While Jackal and Nitro have the best ratio, Tikari and Viitra are the only ones that have wins with no reported injuries on their part."

"So if you don't figure out how to kill them, they're completely immune to your attacks?"

"Basically."

Saprus rubbed the braid in deep thought. "Hmm. Do you have any clues to their weaknesses?"

"Unfortunately, no. I wasn't able to do proper research on them. I did research their combat styles however, based on their psychological profiles. Tikari would fight with broad sweeps and try to end battles as quickly as possible. Viitta only cares about his own satisfaction, trying to prolong his fights due to the fact that he loves fighting strong opponents."

"Hmm. Well, I hope my teammates are discussing good tactics against any future opponents. They are smart enough to do that at least."

* * *

A huge gathering had formed around the bar stools of the Vault Hunters, a crowd of various Crimson Raiders listening and talking amongst themselves. An incredibly important question had been asked by one of them and they were all discussing it with business-like seriousness.

"Okay, so I think the hottest girl in video games is definitely Bayonetta," said Lupus grinning. He had returned after his brief anger ranting, which had included blasting some death metal in his room that he claimed was his next album. No one had ever known that eviscermasturbation was ever actually a word, and no one wanted to know.

They all nodded, analyzing his reasons for saying such a comment. If you don't think guys do this, you clearly need to get your brain checked and listen in on some conversations with gamers.

"Dat ass though," stated Alan grinning. "I perfectly understand that."

"Eh, she's got the rear, but it kinda falls flat for me," argued Dion. "I think Chun-Li from Street Fighter is the best. Those thighs…damn!"

The men also nodded, only a few of them who did not agree with the Amazonian standards of female beauty disagreeing with them.

"I love a woman who can kick my ass," said Lupus. "But I prefer a black-haired woman."

"Ugh, superficial when her thighs are as thick as my torso," snapped Dion smiling mischievously. "I like them thighs."

"I feel the need to mention Tali'Zorah nar Normandy from Mass Effect," chimed in Axton, having joined them for a quick beer or two.

A few of the anti-alien guys didn't nod their heads, but the vast majority appeared to agree with him.

"I don't know how she fits those hips in that suit," said Alan chuckling. "God, I know skeletons that wouldn't fit."

"Doesn't matter, still awesome," agreed Dion.

"Gwynevere from Dark Souls," stated Friedan calmly, having finally returned from his vacation with Maya. He was still not wearing a shirt, but thankfully had intact pants to sit in. His muscles also appeared to have gotten more rippled, something fairly impressive considering how large he was. "Amazing chest ahead."

They all laughed, the general group agreeing with him as a whole. Even though he was a psycho and generally insane, he still had decent tastes in women. Prime example: Maya, his wife.

**[Richard McGuiness] "Holy fucking shit he got married?!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Uh, yeah. Don't you read the lore?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Uh, no!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well apparently Krieg's stable and he married that Siren chick during the time skip."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Wait, time skip? The fuck am I missing?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Dude, this story takes place a week after the first one."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "A week for a time skip? That's pathetic. Naruto had a two year time skip."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "And a filler saga longer than my sexual harassment record."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "That's a long filler saga."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, I know."**

Taika rolled her eyes, one of the many females involved in this conversation. Due to the increasing depopulation of the entire galaxy caused by frequent warfare, bisexuality had become a social norm on the same level as smart phones and Spacebucks. Of course, no one was complaining due to the huge wave of homosexual pornographic materials that were released because of it, which were ironically enjoyed most heavily by the opposite gender. In case that joke evaded you, let me explain it to you simply: More gay guys, more happy fangirls; more lesbian girls, more happy fanboys.

"Ugh, boys and girl's large toys," muttered the huntress slightly exasperated. "Honestly, breasts aren't a woman's only physical feature."

"Well we already discussed that," argued Dion.

"Yeah, but you all agree on breasts. It's stupid."

She waved her finger like a disappointed parent at them. "I present to you Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite. Take that and run with it."

They all nodded slowly, slightly stunned that a girl had schooled them on female attractiveness according to males.

"Yeah, corsets are sexy," stated Lupus nodding his head.

"And she's freaking adorable," noted Dion. "Hard to believe you were such a pervert Taika."

"You all merely adopted the debauchery," she spoke ominously. "I was born into it, molded by it. I didn't see purity until I was a full-grown woman and by then it was stupid. Let the master teach you boys."

Paula chuckled, the other female brought along for this conversation. "Girlfriend, you got good tips, but even good ol' Lizzie from Bio ain't the best. Olivia from Fire Emblem Awakening. Girlfriend, proceed to suck my invisible dick."

They all laughed while agreeing with her statement, noting the various characteristics as to why she came to that conclusion.

"Yeah, she's all innocent and all," muttered Lupus nodding slightly. "That's a plus."

"The white dress…tiger growl I'd tear that right off her…" murmured Taika happily trudging through her mental gutter.

Alan chuckled. "You guys got nothing on mine. Suika Ibuki from Touhou."

The entire group stopped awkwardly, all of them wearing the same face of shock from his comment.

"What?!" he snapped defensively.

"Dude…that chick's…like ten…" noted Dion with wide eyes.

"She even talks and acts like a kid too," said Paula astonished.

"Oh go fuck yourselves with a wheelbarrow, she's goddamn erotic!"

He stood up, throwing his hands up in annoyance. "I'm out. All of you can eat my dick."

He stormed off, annoyed out of his mind for their ignorance.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Okay…doing research on this Suika chick…AAAAAND I'm a pedophile again."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Ugh, this is becoming a common trend of yours, you know?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah…mmm….pass me the lotion."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Here you go, ya funky shit-face dick-monger."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Thanks. Oh God she's in a cheerleader uniform on this one. Daddy's gonna enjoy himself tonight…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I ain't paid for this shit. I'm stepping out."**

* * *

**Well, I feel the need to ask this despite the kinda consequences I might get, but whatever. What's your hottest chick in video games? Drop it in a review if you want. I vote on Bayonetta and dat ass. Call me a pervert, or just admit your own perversion. It's easier on both of us if you choose the latter. **


	25. Chapter 25: Living with Immortals

**[Richard McGuiness] "Wait, are we SWITCHING PERSPECTIVES!?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I THINK WE ARE!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "WHY ARE WE YELLING?!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I THINK THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON BROKE!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "FUCKING SHIT-DICK!"**

Tikari stormed through the halls of his manor, irritated out of his mind. His armor shifted with every loud step, the shawl and robe flowing behind him despite the fact that it was tucked into the armor. His long black hair waved in a dramatic fashion as he moved, a fact that was only accomplished due to the amount of shampoo he used to keep it clean. Of course, mentioning his shampoo was a real fast way to die, considering how the shampoo was designed for female supermodels and not male fighters.

The hall he was moving through was that of the Shadow Estate, one of the smaller districts in the area. Despite its small size, it was remarkably complex, as it was designed vertically instead of horizontally. If that made absolutely no sense, basically imagine a regular building with floors reaching into the ground. This underground theme also made it remarkably terrifying the lower you went, something that was used very often due to the end being at the bottom of the manor.

"I'm going to murder the shit out of that guy," he spat irritated, his blue eyes ablaze with fury.

He smashed through the door in front of him, using his metal boot to punch clean through the wood.

The man at the other side of the room instantly flipped out, apparently startled by the sudden intrusion. "What the fuck man!? The hell was that for?!"

"Would you mind explaining this?" said Tikari waving a piece of paper from his fist.

"Eh? The hell you mean?"

"This is our electricity bill. And it's nearly twice what it was last month."

He gritted his teeth aggravated. "Start explaining."

The other man sighed, rubbing the back of his head dismissively. The man was dressed only with a pair of crimson pants, exposing his toned chest to the air completely. His hair was a deep silver color that was cut relatively short, the ends of it slicked back to reveal his forehead. His eyes were a light red color that looked similar to blood, making him look like he was bleeding in his skull. His skin was a fairer shade than his partner's, making them look very distinctive from each other.

"Okay, I might've been wasting a bit of energy," admitted Viitta nervously.

"A bit?"

"Okay, a lot. But still, I had very good reason for it!"

"Really? Go on."

"Well…well…shit I didn't have a reason."

Tikari cracked his knuckles. "I'm going to strangle you now."

He tackled his partner slamming him into the floor with a mighty crash. Raising a fist, he barely missed his partner's head and cracked the tiles beneath them.

Viitta narrowed his eyes and threw him off, flaring out his arm in a single motion.

From the side of the room flew a huge weapon, landing perfectly in his hands as if drawn with the Force. It looked similar to a chainsaw, but far more compact than normal as it fit naturally into one hand. It revved up automatically and he spun it around his body, clearly a master at using such a weapon.

Tikari stood back up and tightened his right fist. Running forward, he slugged his partner through his guard and kneed him in the chest.

The silver-haired man backed up and slashed at him, barely missing him. Spinning wildly, he kept trying to shred his partner to no avail.

"Die you old cheap son of a bitch!" snapped Viitta annoyed.

"Don't make me laugh, you rejected Playgirl model!"

The silver-haired man dropped his chainsaw in the middle of a swing and grappled his partner with his now-free hands. His partner did the same, both of them shaking each other violently.

"I'm really going to kill you this time!" roared Tikari enraged.

"Go ahead, try it!" snapped Viitta grinning with his typical slasher smile.

They were both interrupted by someone knocking on the doorframe outside the room. It was impossible for the person to knock on the door, as the door was currently on the floor in several pieces.

"Oh, did I come in at a good time?" asked Masher sarcastically. "You two having relationship issues?"

The two Shadow Estate leaders let go of each other, turning their back on the other.

"This old fart decided to be a bitch, not my fault," muttered Viitta.

"You're costing us money, you narcissistic shithead," argued Tikari.

The giant chuckled lowly, loving the tension between the two. "Well if you two are done discussing your gay dick relationship, I got important news."

"And what's that?" asked the dark-skinned man irritated at the giant's audacity.

Masher grinned widely. "That useless bitch Dragola and her pet Brittlebine fucked up. The Vault Hunters are on the way here. You ass-cocks got a can of jack-shit coming straight at ya."

Viitta rubbed his hands enthusiastically. "Oh boy. I was really hoping we'd fight those guys. I'd get so much fun out of that fight…"

"Can it," snapped Tikari. "We stop them from going further, that's all. I don't want to lose the money in that Vault. Money makes the world go around."

"That ain't true. Pleasure is the only worthy thing in this world."

Masher shook his head. "You fuckheads are both wrong. The only useful thing in this world is fighting. Senseless, pointless fighting that makes me hard just thinking about it. Ugh, I almost want those Vault Hunters to just plow through you two and come to me so I can bury my gun in them."

"The amount of sexual references in that last comment is kinda disturbing," noted Viitta. "But hey, who am I to judge?"

"That's right, you ain't the judge of me," snapped the giant. "Listen, gotta fly. Mr. Vangorium needs me to do more shit for him, and I hate disappointing the boss since he would fuck me sideways in a bad way, so bye."

The giant walked out with his assistant Carnifex right behind him, who had not said a word or even made himself visible. He was still carrying his master's gun, an activity that seemed to be his designated role.

"Man, why can't we kill that guy?" asked Viitta exasperated.

"Uh, he kicked our asses remember?" replied Tikari. "Don't know how he did it though. We had tactics and preparation on our side and yet we still lost. The infamous Immortal Combo, killed by a hypersexual giant."

"Well, he is damn good at his job," admitted the silver-haired man.

"Irrelevant, it pisses me off no one has ever replaced him, despite the fact that clearly someone can."

Tikari turend to the door. "We will discuss our finances later. For now, we must prepare for the Vault Hunters."

Viitta nodded, slinging his chainsaw onto his shoulder. "Yeah, good point. Gotta doll myself up for those dicks. Can't wait to split that artist chick in two. Then I'll kill her. Heh, heh, I made an innuendo."

"Just get ready you idiot," snapped the dark-skinned man storming off.

"I get it, you're embarrassed. I understand."


	26. Chapter 26: Hell of a Butler

******[Richard McGuiness] **"Ah, the Shadow Estate. The green grass...the silky tapestries, the smooth stones..."

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"You miss it?"

******[Richard McGuiness] **"Fuck no I don't! That place is the scariest goddamn hell hole I've witnessed since your porn stash."

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"Oh, well it must be really bad then."

"Wow, this is a big mansion," noted Dion propping his machine gun on his shoulder, whistling in astonishment at the sight.

The Shadow Estate teleporter dropped them off right in front of the huge house itself, letting them bask in its awesome glory. It wasn't the size that made it awesome, it was the Victorian style that it was designed that made it awesome. Around the edges were large black leaf trees perfectly symmetrical around the house, each one cut into a harsh pyramid shape. The stone walkways were made of shattered granite, each piece having a perfect copy on the other side of the dividing line in between the mansion. Basically, it was Edgar Allen Poe's wet dream combined with an OCD fascination with symmetry.

"I think I could like this place," noted Paula nodding her head, one of the few people on that planet capable of appreciating the artistic genius used in the building of this place.

"Remember, this place has an overall horror theme about it, so expect really scary stuff," stated Saprus calmly.

"Okay, maybe I won't stay for too long," murmured the artist slightly nervous.

Alan grinned, surprised at her reluctance. "You gonna shit yourself? What are you afraid of anyway?"

"Nothing!" snapped Paula defensively. "Nothing at all!"

"Come on, admit it," he urged mischievously. "I won't tell anyone."

She sighed melodramatically. "Ugh, fine. I'm…terrifiedofneedlesokay?"

"Eh? I didn't catch that."

"I'm…terrified of needles," she whispered lowly, almost embarrassed about it.

"Oh. Okay, I won't tell anyone."

Alan grinned and cupped his hands around his mouth. "Hey assholes in the manor, guess what?! Paula's afraid of needles!"

"You dick!" yelled Paula genuinely hurt. "You said you wouldn't tell!"

"Sorry, but that wasn't in the confessional booth. Confidentiality isn't required in the open air."

She gritted her teeth, barely able to suppress the rage. "You…no-good….scumbag…shit-eating….scruffy-looking…asshole!"

"Scruffy-looking?" repeated the priest. "I'm scruffy-looking? You clearly got the wrong guy in mind baby girl."

"Well what are you scared of?" asked Dion curiously.

Alan paused, clearly surprised by the question. "You know…uh…let's just get going shall we?"

"No, I already told mine," insisted Paula grinning. "You gotta say yours."

The priest awkwardly rubbed the back of his head, averting his eyes from all of them. "I…well…I'm…I…I'm afraid of clowns okay?"

The artist burst into laughter. "Clowns?! Our great paladin is scared of clowns?!"

"Hey, those guys are fucking creepy man! With their plastered faces and large shoes…goddamn it what kinda sick fuck made them in the first place?!"

Dion chuckled. "That's nothing. I'm afraid of heights. I goddamn hate heights."

"You don't show it that often," noted Saprus.

"Well, we don't go to many high places, so that's kinda why."

The infected sighed, as it was no doubt his turn to share. "Well…I'm afraid of spiders."

"How?" questioned Alan. "They're a valuable part of our ecosystem or whatever the fuck. I kinda just heard that over the radio last week, and I thought it was a load of bull, but it sounded smart enough."

"Still, they're creepy as hell."

Paula rolled her eyes. "Well, now that we all just discussed our phobias, let's just go inside into the one place that definitely has all of those things in it."

"Uh…yeah…." muttered the priest nervously. "If I see a clown, I'm gonna stab it so hard it'll be cumming blood out of his forehead."

"And with that disturbing image in our heads, let's go!" cheered Dion marching forward without a moment of hesitation.

They entered the front door and noted the large open foyer suspiciously. The carpet was a deep blood red color, with marble columns on either side of them extending into a stained glass ceiling above. There was the sound of piano music in the background, something that was decidedly uncanny considering the circumstances.

"Uh…this is kinda weird…" noted the Titan rubbing the side of his head in confusion. "Where are the bad guys?"

As if on cue, several figures emerged from behind the pillars. They all wore an official butler suit, buttons and coats intact, but they weren't human. Their faces were all blank, like their head had been replaced by an egg. Their skin was deep white, almost sickly in color, and they stood at the same exact height of 164 centimeters.

**[Richard McGuiness] "That's about five foot three to us sane people in the audience!" **

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Sane? You're using a measuring system that literally only your country and two others use. That's kinda stupid if you ask me."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "IIIRELEVANT!"**

The butlers all drew something from their wrists, each one doing the exact same motion. The weapons from their sleeves looked like some kind of firearm, but it was hard to tell due to how simple and elegant they appeared.

Then they began shooting and confirmed that, yes, they were wielding firearms.

The Vault Hunters slammed into cover, having been completely surrounded just from going through the door.

"Motherfucking faceless whores!" snapped Alan angrily. "I don't even see any environmental hazards in this place."

Just then, one of the butlers landed on an oddly colored strip of carpet and triggered something beneath it. Instantly several spikes ejected from underneath the floor, impaling the creature and causing it to instantly die.

"Oh, and it's booby-trapped," noted Paula rolling her eyes. "Just when I thought this day couldn't suck worse."

Saprus looked around and noticed another stretch of carpet that was off-color compared to the rest. "Yeah, but we can use this to our advantage. Those things aren't very smart, and it's easy to lure them in. The only problem is we don't know what trap we're gonna get until we activate it."

Dion grinned widely, enjoying the prospect set before him. "Certainty of pain, small chance of success? I love this game."

He leaped out of cover and stepped on a trap, looking around rapidly for what he had sprung.

A painting to his left opened up and launched an immense spear directly at his torso. Leaping out of the way, the spear slammed into a butler and pinned it to the wall, where it struggled before bleeding out from its injuries.

**Boobies are Awesome +100**

**Wall-Jacked +100**

**If It Bleeds, We Can Pwn It +100**

**Total: +300**

"Hell yeah!" roared the Titan running forward, hoping to get more people with that same method.

Paula glanced upwards and calmly noted the chandelier perfectly hanging over a collection of enemies. Not even bothering to think of a snide comment due to the extremely low chance of a chandelier being there except for killing people, she shot at it and let it collapse onto the group.

**Redecorating +150**

**High Class on Yo Ass +100**

**High Class on Yo Ass +100**

**High Class on Yo Ass +100**

**Total: +450**

"Interior designing wasn't my optimal career choice, but I guess it'll due," she said grinning maliciously.

Saprus ran into a side room and flipped a table over as cover, rapidly assessing the situation he had thrown himself into as well. Noting the large china display next to him and the fact that it was on wheels, he grabbed one edge of it and shoved it forward.

A one-ton combination of wood and porcelain rammed through the group of butlers, crushing them and throwing chunks of…stuff…everywhere. Not all that stuff didn't bleed either.

**China-Own +100**

**China-Own +100**

**China-Own +100**

**China Own +100**

**Total: +400**

"Too bad, I actually like fine China," murmured the infected slightly mournfully. "Oh well. I'll get over it."

Alan sprinted through the rooms, dodging bullets as he went. He was the reckless glass cannon after all, as he could move faster than all of them, and he didn't need to worry about it due to mild regeneration on his part.

Grappling a butler mid-stride, he spun it over his head and threw it back onto the floor. This caused it to trip a booby-trap and get incinerated in a wave of fire from the carpet.

**Beatdown +50**

**Boobies Are Awesome +100**

**Hot Loving +100**

**Total: +250**

He rolled to the side as its comrades began firing upon him, twirling his blades in his hands in anticipation. Noticing something odd about a nearby cabinet, he opened it to reveal an iron maiden perfectly disguised in the interior. It appeared to be very well used however, as the blood, guts, tears and semen clearly indicated.

Alan grabbed a nearby butler and threw it in, launching its body into the spikes. Grabbing another, he rammed the two together with his foot cruelly, already preparing a third to be introduced to the torture device.

Once he was sure no more would fit (he figured five was good enough), he slammed the doors shut, which took a ton of effort due to the stuffing he had put into it. He pressed down with his powerful forearms, bones and blood shattering and splattering inside of the cabinet and pouring out of the seams directly into his hands.

"Come on, get in there!" snapped the priest shoving with immense effort.

The door closed and sealed the five butlers inside, ending their existence in a very tight way.

**Iron Bitch +100**

**Iron Bitch +100**

**Iron Bitch +100**

**Iron Bitch +100**

**Iron Bitch +100**

**Total: +500**

"Awesome," he said licking his bloody hands, tasting the gore he had splattered over them. "I love the taste of heathens in the morning."

He whirled around, propelling himself forward blades first. "I want MORE."


	27. Chapter 27: Tea with a Crow

Josef Muller, president of Bellum, calmly sipped his black tea leisurely in his chair. His left eye was still a different color from the right one, indicating that it had been replaced in the past, and he was now wearing a long black coat over his thin body. He also had white gloves and boots on, contrasting with the darker colors of his uniform. His hair was tucked into a large general's cap, the edge of which was slightly singed from battle. "Ah, it's been so long since ve just sat down, isn't it?"

"Perhaps," said Maxwell Tediore blankly, his normal composure still intact. His dark skin was freshly cleansed, a task he did often due to sanitary conditions. His shirt was a deep blue color this time, his tie dark purple to accent off of it. "I am beginning to think this war of ours is…unnecessary."

"He's got a point," stated Jacqueline Maliwan, the only female of their group. Her dress was now a deep orange with long looping lines across it, wrapping aesthetically around her breasts and waist in a very provocative manner. Her hair was still in a ponytail, but now placed in front of her right shoulder and hanging down in between her breasts. "This fight is no longer necessary. We opened the final Vault on Pandora, and that was our objective."

Josef snickered, amused at their comments. "I don't believe it. You honestly thought zhat vas our goal?"

They both paused, not sure what he was talking about.

The Bellum CEO adjusted his hat, clearly tired of their ignorance. "DIs alliance is about exactly what I said. Ve are to breed war, in ze most effective way possible. I intend to take over all that I can and burn vhat I cannot. Ze first step was opening up Pandora, ze largest Eridium source in ze universe, for our access. Second is taking over ze Carnival, ze single largest interplanetary organization barring manufacturing companies, something zhat's far easier zhan buying out say Anshin or Pangolin."

"Ah, I see," said Maxwell nodding in understanding. "Gain control of every aspect of your target, and you will win by default."

"Not the move I expected out of you," noted Jacqueline.

"Well, I may act like a brute, but I am not an idiot. I want to finish my project, and I am but a mere man. I don't have all the time in the world, so I must finish my goal as quickly as possible."

"Any move is a good one if it yields results," advised the Tediore CEO.

"Exactly my logic, my good friend. And let me assure you, you two vill share in dis bounty. I vill not abandon my allies without properly repaying them."

Jacqueline nodded. "Yes, well, I do have another concern."

"Go on ahead," stated Josef calmly.

"Well, we don't appear to have a special unit anymore. Our last one…well…they all died. Zane and Dane, Major General Sine, Colonel Doctor Marie Winter, Jorr, Lieutenant General Ciruolo, Warden Lane, Assassin Rosalign Rubity, and Arcum Sagitta. They all ate the dirt."

"She is correct," said Maxwell absently. "Unfortunately, there aren't many we have who can compare to our lost members."

"Don't worry about it," urged the Bellum CEO waving their comments aside. "I already have suitable replacements for them, and I assure you, they are far more capable than they were."

* * *

Jane grasped at the bed sheets while lying on her stomach, panting with sweat pouring from her skin. "Big brother, please, not so hard. I can't take it."

John kept pressing, not ceasing his actions. "Don't worry little sister, you can take it. Trust me."

She grunted deeply, clearly in some kind of pain. Her face flushed deep red.

"You look so cute right now little sister."

"It's…so embarrassing…"

"No it's not. You're adorable right now."

Jane began to pant deeply, clearly growing out of breath. "Big brother…big brother…I'm gonna…"

"I know. Just do it."

"But…it's so naughty…"

"Just do it. I am your big brother, aren't I? You can trust me."

The female then screamed out loudly, her body breaking into spasms. Then she plopped against the bed, exhausted from the action.

John stood up, grinning mischievously at her. "Honestly, was it that bad?"

Jane felt the corset on her back, noting the tightness of it. "No…it hurt but…it hurt in the good way with you big brother."

"Well, you did say you needed help getting dressed today, so I was fine to help."

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Wait, that's what they were doing?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah. Why, you thought it was sex?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well of fucking course I did!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "You're just a dick-holding pervert who sees sex in everything."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Hey! I…well…damn it…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Heh, can't even make a comeback. That's one point for Rich."**

He grinned maliciously, in a way that caused his younger sibling to shudder in aroused terror. "But believe me, I'm gonna rip that thing off you tonight, pain or not. Actually, I want it to hurt."

**[Richard McGuiness] "…you might've been right actually."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Ha! Twincest for the win!"**

He helped his little sister off her stomach, kissing her tenderly to counter his rather brutal nature from earlier. Then he chuckled, as he was still naked. "But unfortunately, you're gonna have to dress me too little sister. Take your time."

He lifted up a pair of boxer shorts, holding them in front of her eyes as if taunting her with them.

Jane's face blushed deep red, then she grabbed the cloth with her teeth and began to work.

"Oh, I like the enthusiasm," complimented John grinning as his little sister got on her knees.

**[Richard McGuiness] "Can we cut from this!?" **

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Hell no! I'm recording this shit!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I outta tell a judge on you."**

* * *

Karasu calmly sipped his cup of green tea; the cup was dull white porcelain that looked rather old. Sitting on his left shoulder was a single crow, looking around the room with its black eyes analytically. He made no noise, as he tended not to, and his expression remained blank.

John and Jane walked into the common room, holding hands gently. Jane was still blushing at her previous…uh…actions…though John was grinning triumphantly. I'm certain I don't have to tell you why.

"Hello Karasu-sama," said the male, copying the Jananice method of addressing others. He tended to do so, as normally the crow man still used suffixes when communicating even though he knew English.

"Good morning Karasu-sama," spoke the female, albeit more nervously than her brother. The crow man, in all honesty, scared the living shit out of her, but she had her big brother to her side to support her.

The crow man nodded, acknowledging them but not wishing to speak.

"Can we sit with you?" asked John smiling friendly.

"Go on," replied Karasu simply, preferring to use as little words as possible when communicating.

The twins sat, the female uncomfortably shifting away from the large crow on the man's shoulder.

"I was wondering something Karasu-sama," said the male leaning forward onto the table. "About your powers."

"Ask," urged the crow man blankly.

"You control thousands of birds at once, yet we only see that one on your shoulder. Do the others die or is it all a mirage?"

"No mirage," replied Karasu. He lifted his tea cup towards his bird, who took a sip of it in its beak. "Experiment: Bird of Prey. Powers through eyes, named after birds. Hummingbird, Raven, Vulture, Owl, Peacock, Mockingbird, and more."

He moved a lock of hair from his right eye, exposing it to the open air. It was a dull white color that made him appear blind, but that was not accurate as it adjusted its iris, indicating that it was sensitive to light and could see.

"Crow," he said pointing to the eye. "Multiply any object into swarm and control copies. Includes living animals."

He gestured to the crow on his shoulder. "Also can substitute body as object in emergency. Very deadly."

Just to demonstrate, he glared at his tea cup and his eye flashed. A second tea cup appeared right next to it, dropping into his hand as if he knew where it would land. It was filled with the exact same amount of tea, everything perfectly similar.

Then he threw it into the air, making it disappear into nothing on its descent down.

Jane looked in wonder at him. "That's…wow…"

John nodded. "You're a very interesting man Karasu. I guess you had to compensate by not speaking too often, otherwise you'd become less interesting."

"Talking hard," he admitted sipping his tea. "Experiment fractured mind. Only think in single sentences. Changed name to distance self from project. Did not help mind."

Jane rapidly began to deduce something. "So…that boy known as Mockingbird…"

"Successful subject. Bit sociopathic. Uncaring. Nihilistic. Perfect weapon. Too hedonistic however. Changed sides without warning. Mind just as scattered. Appeared more stable. Could communicate normally. Still unstable. Still dangerous."

"What about Lieutenant General Ciruolo?" asked John. "He had four of those eyes."

"Ciruolo found subjects. Previous experiments. Killed them. Took eyes and implanted into his body. Was successful. Powers unstable however. Caused him great pain. Was not as effective as original hosts."

He sipped his tea decisively. "Didn't appear to work for him either."

John and Jane giggled, amused by his deadpan humor.

"You can say that," said the male. "He didn't get very far before the Vault Hunters killed him."

"Did not understand powers," explained Karasu blankly. "Could not anticipate side-effects. Pain, nausea, internal bleeding. All caused by implantations."

He tapped the skin below his own eye. "Natural subject. Complete synchronization. No rejection. Perfect."

John nodded. "That's good. I'd hate to lose someone as interesting as you, especially since it's unlikely we'd get another one like you."

"Extremely unlikely," replied the crow man. "Few subjects left of Bird of Prey. Subjects grew arrogant, angry. Slaughtered and then became slaughtered. Similar things happened in similar experiments. Experiment: Beast Within. Injected lycanthropy genes mixed with various animals. Skag, Thresher, Bullymong, Crystalisk, Stalker. Most successful: Skag. Crimson Raider forces contain two: Baskerville and Captain Wolfenstein, both Skag. Baskerville strong, but unstable. Has to take medication to balance symptoms. Wolfenstein far more stable, in personality and abilities. Both deadly threats to us. Experiment: Psycho. Meant to create top regenerative abilities that could sustain nearly any circumstance. Created one successful subject: Krieg of Crimson Raiders. Consumed by rage, minimal control, ruthless. Perfect berserker."

"You did a lot of research into this," noted John.

"Of course. Feel…empathy…towards them," admitted Karasu averting his eyes. "All forced into horrific circumstances. No reasoning. Just bad luck."

"You understand them," said Jane quietly.

"…I guess that's the right word."

They sat in silence for a few moments, not wishing to break the quiet.

"Wish to be alone," he stated after a minute, doing so quietly and gently as possible. "Must meditate."

"Of course," said John standing up. "It was nice talking to you."

"Yes," agreed Jane nodding her head. "You're very nice Karasu-sama."

"…thank you," he spoke moving his hair back in front of his eyes, leaning back in his chair to meditate.


	28. Chapter 28: Vault Hunter Host Club

Dion glanced at the staircase, his gun trained downwards in case something appeared in the darkness. They had cleared the first floor and had rapidly learned that they could not continue upwards at all, the stairs being blocked off past the first story. The only way forward was down, through a staircase they found in a closet.

"So…who wants to go through the creepy tunnel first?" asked Alan.

"Maybe we should let the immortal go first?" proposed Paula.

"Hey, I still feel pain! And if my body's messed up enough, I do respawn!"

Dion rolled his eyes. "Well I am the tank. I am supposed to go first since you all are made of…uh…squishy stuff…"

"Squishy stuff?" repeated the artist planting her hands on her hips. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Uh…." murmured the Titan uncomfortably. "You know…like…flesh and stuff…and I'm…well…still made of flesh but…I regenerate…okay I don't think before I speak, leave me the fuck alone woman!"

She giggled, punching him on the shoulder playfully. "Don't worry. You can guard my squishy stuff as much as you want."

"Might need a second guard," noted Alan glancing at her rear. "You got a lot of squishy stuff."

Paula raised a pistol at his head, smiling with the same grin as before. "While I appreciate your compliment, I wasn't hitting on you. So get your ass in line or I'll bust a cap in yo ass bitch."

"Heh, fine," stated the priest chuckling, hoping she didn't shoot him in the face. "I'll back off…for now…"

Dion rubbed his temples, walking forward with his buddy Saprus next to him. "Why did we have to get the most insane people on this planet as teammates?"

"Bad luck mostly," replied the infected blankly. "But they're not that bad I guess. I mean, we could be working with Jessup."

The Titan shuddered. "That jackass would probably do collateral damage on all of us just for fun. He's one of the top Crimson Raiders, but he's not very good on a team."

"Even worse than me?" asked Alan curiously

"That's hard to even imagine, someone more hardass than you," stated Paula.

"Oh go stick your dick in a beehive!"

"Uh, I'm a girl? Don't have a dick."

"You said you did on the ship the other day!"

"I…well…damn it you got me."

"Ha!"

"To answer your question," interjected Saprus, "yes, Jessup is worse. He tried to start a host club for the entire Crimson Raider ship."

"How's that bad?" asked Alan innocently.

"You really don't know what happens in host clubs, do you?" inquired Paula.

"Besides what I say in Ouran. Love that show. Anyway, what does happen?"

"Sex," responded Dion blankly. "And since the hosts are all guys, and we Raiders are mostly male…"

Alan thought about that for a moment, then his eyes grew wide. "Ew."

"Well that's the reaction most of us had with the idea," admitted Saprus. "Personally, I wasn't disgusted, but I didn't like the idea since it wouldn't reap a reward."

Paula grabbed him firmly and shook him. "WHAT?! You're gay and you never told me?! How could you?!"

He gripped her shoulders firmly, readjusting his suit in the process. "Calm yourself, yaoi fangirl. I was happily married once, so I'm not gay. I just don't judge people based on their sexuality."

"**Hmm, I just wondered something. If the Raiders did start a host club, what type do you think each guy would be?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Type? Did you honestly just say type?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah! In the show Ouran, each host has his own 'thing' that made chicks go crazy! Each Raider would have to have one to bring in customers!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "You are thinking WAY too hard about this."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "You're not thinking enough about this! Think of the fanservice our female audience would get…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Honestly, we're not that low. Well, us personally. Our producer might make it a thing though."**

Saprus glanced at his ECHO. "We can hear you, you know?"

**[Richard McGuiness] "Oh shit! Scott, think of something else! Something gross that'll draw their attention off our backs!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Naked prepubescent cheerleaders!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Fucking damn it now I got that in MY head!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "You pervert!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I…I'm…I'm GONNA STRANGLE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU FOR CALLING ME THAT!"**

The infected chuckled at the argument he was witnessing. "Heh, they're funny. Well if we did start a host club, that'd be nice. Though I haven't been on a date for at least forty years."

"Sixty is the new twenty!" assured Alan wrapping his arm around his shoulder. "Hell, I'm eighty, and look at me! I, of course, would be the Romantic Type!"

Dion scoffed. "You, romantic? I'd wager Jessup would be that before you."

The priest huffed and extracted a single rose from his sleeve. Placing it in his teeth, he spun over to Paula and held her hands tenderly. Gazing deep into her eyes, he gave her the most womanizing expression he could convey.

Paula's eyes widened. "Damn…just damn. That was kinda impressive."

"Thanks," replied Alan grinning. Then he bit down and swallowed the rose, thorns and all. "Ah, nothing like a good flower in the afternoon. Roses have such a distinctive flavor."

"And the charm is gone," noted the artist grimly.

"Hey, I was hungry!"

Paula chuckled and nuzzled Dion's head affectionately. "Well I know Napoleon here would be the Naughty Type."

The Titan paused, blushing slightly. "What would that entail?"

"Nothing that you're thinking of right now."

He glanced away embarrassed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't."

"Damn it woman," snapped the Titan walking off hurriedly.

"See? Naughty Type," reinforced Paula grinning triumphantly.

Saprus shook his head, chuckling lowly to himself. "God, you keep torturing Dion enough, he's gonna snap."

"Well I hope he snaps at me in just the right way," responded the artist smiling mischievously. "I'd make beautiful art with him any day…"

Alan's nose instantly exploded with blood, causing him to attempt to control it. "Can you stop doing that shit?! I don't think I have much blood left!"

"Sorry," apologized Paula sincerely.

"You idiots gonna hurry up or what?!" demanded Dion from the bottom of the stairs. "I'm waiting!"

"Let's catch up with Napoleon," urged the artist.

"I heard that bitch!" snapped the Titan aggravated.

"You were supposed to!" yelled Alan grinning madly.

"Fuck off."

* * *

**Just a random rambling but here's the types of the Vault Hunters I mentioned earlier, with my guesses. I did this solely for entertainment, and I honestly don't want this to become a thing, but I am open to persuasion…**

**-Doctor Suture: The Smart Type (entertains with his intelligence)**

**-Captain Wolfenstein: The Stoic Type (entertains with his quiet caring nature)**

**-Alan Fitzgerald: The Romantic Type (entertains with his romantic antics)**

**-Dion Kormos: The Naughty Type (entertains with his cute anger and belligerence)**

**-Lupus Cithara: The Mystic Type (entertains with his mysterious nature)**

**-Saprus: The Sick Type (entertains with his humble weakness and sensitivity)**

**People who would not join the host club ever:**

**-Axton (too lazy)**

**-Krieg (married to Maya, and too terrifying)**

**-Salvador (lack of interest in stuff that doesn't explode)**

**-Baskerville (with Lilith, and lack of interest in other girls)**

**-Jessup (cares too much about fighting)**

**-Rocko the Badass (too busy elsewhere)**

**-Baldemar (Gaige would kill him)**

**-Mordecai (retired and on a different planet)**


	29. Chapter 29: Puppet Necromancer

The Vault Hunters moved through the long hallway, noting that it was rather dark and cramped compared to their last room. It had a few single lights on the ceiling, illuminating the dank floor and walls with a bold yellow light. It smelled god-awful, as if something had been split years ago and was still rotting away in some forgone corner.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this place smells like a shit-sty," spat Alan clenching his nose.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh God, they're in THAT hallway aren't they?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yep."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Shit man, turn it off I can't watch this again."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I agree with you one hundred percent."**

Dion glanced at his comrades concerned. "…why do you think the announcers were so scared?"

"I don't like the feeling of this," murmured Saprus cocking his gun.

They all stopped, hearing something emitting down the hallway. It sounded like some kind of musical instrument, the notes jarring and broken but still recognizable. The rhythm was simple, like a nursery rhyme for children.

Then a voice began to sing through the music, its voice disturbingly serene and gentle for the environment it was in. It was obviously a male voice, but held feminine undertones with how easily it changed pitches and the high notes it could reach.

"Build it up with iron and fire, iron and fire, iron and fire. Build it up with iron and fire, my fair lady."

Alan's eyes widened. "Run. Now."

They sprinted down the hallway, trying their hardest to get further into the mansion as possible.

"What are we running from?!" asked Paula not daring to look back.

"Not sure!" admitted Alan. "But I sure as shit don't want to find out!"

Something slammed into his back, knocking him to the floor. He grunted in pain and glared at his opponent, only to stop in amazement.

The thing sitting on him looked barely human, its form humanoid but its facial features lacking. Its limbs were far too elongated, like that of a spider, with claws on the feet and hands made of metal. Its face had a human-like appearance, but instead of eyes it had two holes where white light poured from, as if its brain was an electric torch. Its entire body was made of iron, making distinctive noises as each part scraped and cranked in a robotic manner.

Dion ran up to the creature and kneed it in the chest, throwing it off of Alan. Raising his shotgun, he blasted the thing open with a well-placed shot, ending its life.

"Get up," he snapped reloading his gun.

Alan jumped to his feet, continuing to run down the hall. "Thanks for saving my ass."

"You're our healer," muttered the Titan catching up with him. "Besides, I can stand you more than I can stand Paula."

"Ah go piss off Dion!" spat Paula from ahead.

"I'm tempting it," murmured Dion glancing at the things behind him. They were moving rather rapidly towards them, the iron humans running even as they clacked and thrashed with their joints. "How in the hell do they run so fast?"

Saprus reached a door and smashed into it with all his strength, not bothering to try and turn the knob. He did so again and again, grunting in effort. "Shit! The door's jammed!"

Alan pressed his back into the wall, raising his gun high. "Hold this spot! No one gets past!"

They all began to shoot down the hallway, filling it with lead and various other compounds to stop the incoming horde.

"Why aren't we getting points?!" snapped the priest angrily. "I've killed at least five!"

"You're worried about that now?!" roared Dion aggravated. "Greedy bastard!"

"Hey, I want my money when I earn it!"

Saprus processed this information rapidly, noting how the iron humans only stayed down for a moment before popping back up, even with headshots and dismemberments. Something was off, and there had to be a reason for it.

He glanced to the side, noticing a small red lever tucked into the wall. Seeing literally no way the situation could get any worse, he pulled it.

Instantly four electromagnets on the walls down the hall activated, hidden in the walls, ceiling and floor. This caused all the iron humans to stagger and eventually split into pieces, flying to different surfaces depending upon which they were closer to. It should've had no emotional impact since they were little more than toaster ovens for all intents and purposes, but their life-like screams of agony were enough to send chills up anyone's spine.

"Damn, what were those things?" asked Paula reloading her assault rifle.

The voice returned, seemingly in repsonde to hre question. "My creations. They were such good creations. But they were not perfect."

The voice began to slowly show signs of rage, apparently because of their actions. "They weren't, were they? No, I've never achieved perfection. Why can't they be perfect?! Why damn it!? What did I do wrong!? How can I improve them?! There must be something! I MUST MAKE THEM PERFECT!"

The door flung open, startling all of them with the quickness of the action.

"I want to shut this asshole up," stated Dion raising his gun.

"Never agreed more," replied Alan.

They walked down another hallway, this one larger but no less constricting. Scattered on the walls were chunks of the robotic humans, some of them obvious prototypes and failures. Some appeared to be made from wood, cloth, paper, stone, and all other manner of materials. Others were fundamentally flawed, such as wrong-facing feet or hands with extra or missing digits. The most common objects were heads, just empty shells staring at the Vault Hunters as they passed.

"Shit, I hate dolls," muttered Paula. "I have since I was a kid."

They noted the mad writing scrawled over the walls, apparently done in different shades of paint. They held words in all capital letters, messily thrown onto the surface with little care for legibility. They were still readable however.

"Not…perfect…" read Dion from the wall. "This guy was obsessed with perfection."

"Infidel…" muttered Alan rubbing a message on the wall. "And I thought I was judgmental."

They stopped as they reached one particular corpse gathering, one that was far more decorated than the others. This one held three corpses, two adult and one child. The adult to the left was that of a male one, its shoulders broad and its face rough. The other adult was female, its features smooth and slick. The child was small and could not be distinguished by gender, its hair short on its head. They were all in each other's arms, smiles on their robotic faces. It was touching and extremely creepy at the same time, especially considering the message scrawled above their bodies.

"Almost perfect…" read Saprus blankly. "…what was he trying to make?"

Paula paused. "Perhaps he was trying to replicate something? Something he could not grasp or understand?"

"What? Love?" asked Dion rolling his eyes.

She smacked him decisively. "Like you know the first thing about love. I bet it'd drive you mad too if you couldn't understand it."

"No excuse to freak the ever living fuck out of people," defended the Titan.

They reached a new room, this one with a window in front of them. The window peered into a large atrium room, where apparently something was happening. And by something, I mean something mind-bogglingly creepy and horrifying.

A single person stood in the other room, working on something on three tables in front of him. The person stood hunched, his back humped widely and his leg strong but also thin. His hands were fast, though they appeared to hurt by the way he was tightening them in random intervals. On his face were three masks, each one distinctive. The one at the bottom was that of a mourning male, its face contorted with grief and guilt. The one to the side was that of a supporting mother, its face showing kindness and benevolence. The one on top was that of a carefree child, its face showing innocence and mischief.

The person stopped working, glancing at the three tables. Each one held a body similar to the group from before, two adults and a child human.

Then it angrily swatted them away, showing a fit of intense rage that startled those present.

"Not perfect!" roared the person in a voice that sounded like three persons talking at once. Each voice was an exact match for the mask that it spoke from, a father, a mother and a child speaking in unison. "I try to make them perfect, but I can't! I'm so sorry! I can't bring you back if they're not perfect, but I can't make them perfect!"

The thing flared its arm out, gesturing to a pile of corpses, all of them failed subjects. "Too tall! Too fat! Too JITTERY! I can't make them perfect! No matter how hard I try, they're not perfect!"

The thing noticed the Vault Hunters, the masks registering mild shock. "Intruders…intruders! They…they…they're not perfect! Not perfect! Infidels!"

The thing snapped its fingers, long lines appearing from its fingertips. Then the lines shredded through the glass, destroying the window between them.

Dion landed on the floor of the next room, his Plasma Rage taking over his mind and body. "Bring it bitch! I'm gonna tear those masks right off your fucking face!"

"No! Don't touch them infidel!" snapped the thing waving its arm, flinging the razor strings at him. "Your heart beats in your chest, your flesh is soft and supple, and you are INFERIOR! Only when you are metal and cold will you be PERFECT!"

Alan fired his shotgun at the thing, pumping the action as he approached forward. Raising his other hand with a bayonet in it, he slashed at the thing's clothing and ripped it right off its back. Then he gasped and stepped back, appalled at what he saw.

The man wearing the father mask was carrying a huge mound of flesh on his back, but this was far more unnatural than a normal humpback. Poking out of it was small bits of limbs and bones, as if it had welded two humans to the back. Instantly it became clear why it wore three masks.

"It…its three people in one," muttered Saprus repulsed. "But…how do you do that?"

The thing glared at him, swinging its razor strings at him as if the question provoked it. "I tried to bring them back with the flesh, but I failed! Only through the machines can I bring my family back!"

Dion ran up and fired a plasma beam into it, shutting it up. "I don't give a shit about your family! You pissed me off, so I'm going to fucking murder you!"

The thing snapped its fingers, leaping backwards with incredible agility. As if on cue, several of the puppets sprang up and began walking forward.

"Bring them down and break their bones, break their bones, break their bones," sang the thing ironically, chuckling to itself with the nursery rhyme. "Bring them down and break their bones, my fair lady."

The Titan could've cared less, running towards the minions in anger. "Summon as much freaky shit as you want, you won't get away from me!"

Saprus looked at his old friend concerned, as something was bothering him. "His anger…it's far worse than usual. What's making him so violent?"

"Who cares? I like it!" said Alan spinning his bayonets. He activated his Evil Angel form, growing the customary wings and blue aura. "Hold on, best buddy! Let's kick their asses!"

Paula raised her assault rifle, firing off explosive hosts into the crowd to clear the way. "Even if Dion's on his period, it doesn't stop us from doing our job. We have to win this thing. We were explicitly ordered to by Lilith."

Saprus nodded, firing his SMG. "Right. Of course. I'll figure out what's wrong with him later."

The thing noticed his rapidly diminishing minions and began to panic, its eyes widening on all its masks. "Oh shit…oh shit…oh shit…you're…you're…"

"Really fucking pissed off!" finished Dion leaping at him with a plasma fist.

The blow blasted clean through its masks, shattering them and causing it to smash into the floor. It spasmed in pain, withering on the ground in agony.

Then it glanced at the pieces of the mother and child mask, a single hand grasping at them with care. It stopped moving in pain, seemingly calming down by staring into the remakes of its lost family.

"We'll be together some day," promised the father, speaking with its single voice for once.

"I know," reassured the mother kindly.

"We trust you daddy!" spoke the child enthusiastically.

Then they all disappeared into data, ending their existence.

**Seeing Red (Unique Kill: Dion) +50**

**Evil Angel (Unique Kill: Alan) +50**

**Mini-Boss Encounter +500**

**Total +600**

"Damn, what kind of shit do they let happen in this place?" asked Paula shouldering her shotgun.

"Perhaps a little too much," admitted Alan sadly, the creature he had just fought installing pity in him. "Let's keep moving shall we? I feel guilty just looking at the leftovers of those puppets."

* * *

**In case you're wondering what the hell just happened, please look up the following video: **_**Dark Souls: Prepare to Cry – Pinwheel**_**. It'll explain everything in more detail. Please note that it isn't an exact copy of Pinwheel, but fairly close in terms of backstory. **


	30. Chapter 30: The Immortal Combo

**[Richard McGuiness] "We gone from that area?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I think so. It's safe."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Thank God. I hate fighting Famille. He…it…is high-octane nightmare fuel on steroids."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Amen to that. Then you figure out what he really is and…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Then you feel bad for killing him. I hate this game sometimes."**

The Vault Hunters found the door nearest them and opened it, revealing an elevator down. Due to what they had just seen, none of them were eager to go down it.

"I think I'll just go home now," said Alan turning promptly.

"You wanna go down that hallway again?" asked Saprus blankly.

"I think I'll just go forward now," repeated the priest walking into the elevator.

"Yeah, I don't wanna be here when that guy respawns," muttered Dion. "And I kinda feel bad for going that berserk on him. I've been feeling…weird…since I got on this planet. Worse than Pandora."

"Is it the lack of Eridium?" inquired Paula. She knew about Titans enough to know that much at least, being mildly curious about such violent individuals.

"I…don't know," admitted the Titan shaking slightly. "I feel…angry…at everything. Everything's just noise. I can barely think straight."

Saprus placed a hand on his shoulder. "Take a few deep breaths buddy. Think about something relaxing."

"You think I'm not doing that?!" snapped Dion agitated. He stopped, his face registering shame. "I…I didn't mean that…I…I didn't mean what I said…"

"I understand," said the infected calmly. "But we need to take you to see a doctor. Something's clearly wrong."

The Titan nodded, rubbing his head as if to clear his thoughts. Then he glanced to the side and noticed a fifth person standing in the elevator.

"Whoa, who the fuck is that?!" he snapped smacking into the wall opposite the person, trying to get away from them.

The others looked at what he was looking at. There was nothing there but the wall, making them wonder what he was truly seeing.

"You cool bro?" inquired Alan concerned.

"Someone tell me who the fuck that woman is!" demanded Dion slightly terrified.

"What woman?" asked Paula.

The woman in question, that only the Titan could see apparently, was one who looked similar to him. She wore a metal jumpsuit similar to his own, a light grey color instead of white. Her hair was a dark purple color that covered her ears, appearing like a ball of buzz on her skull. Her eyes were a deep white color, which he could only see one of them as she was turned away from him.

The woman stood calmly with them, not at all disturbed by their presence. She appeared to staring into space, her hands tucked in front of her stomach as if waiting patiently for something.

Then she looked at him, exposing a long violet tattoo along her neck that extended into her jumpsuit. Her gaze was sad, as if she was seeing something in him that depressed her.

She reached out her hand and he instinctively did the same. He wasn't sure why, but he wanted to touch her, to prove that she was real.

"Find me…Titan…" urged the woman quietly. "Fine me….please…"

Then she disappeared from his vision, making him awkwardly holding out his hand to the air.

"Uh…" muttered the Titan confused.

"You cool bro?" repeated Alan.

"Yeah, I…I'm just dehydrated," stated Dion standing back up. "Anyone got water?"

Paula tossed him a water bottle, winking slyly at him while doing so. "I drank from that."

"I don't care," he admitted taking a few gulps.

"I wasn't referring to drinking with my mouth," she said slyly.

He spat violently, nearly vomiting across the elevator. "That explains the aftertaste."

Saprus shook his head. "Honestly Paula, do you have to do everything in your power to freak us out?"

"Yes. Yes I do."

The elevator reached its stop, the doors opening slowly to reveal the next room.

The four Vault Hunters assumed positions outside the doors, prepared for anything to pop out in front of them or behind them.

The room before them was a huge open atrium, the entire room well-illuminated. It was made of concrete, the floor stained with ash marks and bloodstains. Standing in the center were two men, men who appeared rather excited to see them.

"Holy shit they're here!" roared Viitta grinning widely, his chainsaw propped on his shoulder. "I thought they'd never show up!"

"They managed to get through Famille, how interesting," noted Tikari calmly, his armor perfectly shined on his body.

"You guys the district leaders, or just another distraction?" inquired Dion.

"Well let me answer that question right for ya greenette," responded the silver-haired man, "We are the district leaders of Shadow Estate, and we are here to rape and pillage and kill, and not always in that order."

"God, don't copy Masher," snapped the dark-skinned man angrily. "We're here to stop you from taking the Vault so I can get the money."

"Tikari! You greedy dick!" yelled Viitta.

"What? It is our right to take it!"

"But that's the ONLY reason?!"

"I see nothing wrong with that. Maybe if you thought in terms longer than three seconds, you'd understand how important money is."

"You know what Tikari? Go kill yourself."

"Since I became your partner, I've tempted it every day."

"Fuck you!"

Paula grinned, amused at the two. "Hard to believe these two run the horror district."

"Eh?" snapped Viitta annoyed. "Bitch, we're the best damn leaders this place has ever had! We even managed to recruit that freak Famille to fight for us!"

"That man was trying to bring his family back," stated Saprus angrily.

"Yeah, and look at what that did to him. He was a fucking idiot."

"Tough talk, coming from you," noted Tikari blankly.

"Shut the hell up Tikari!"

Viitta glanced back at the four. "Listen, I don't give a shit about Famille. I just want to fight you and have a ton of fun doing it."

"Viitta, let me take care of this," urged the dark-skinned man walking forward. "You'll take too long."

"No way!" shouted the silver-haired man. "I'm sick of waiting for a good fight!"

He grinned maliciously. "Let's go with the usual."

Tikari chuckled. "Of course."

Viitta stretched his arms, cracking his spine. Then he leaped forward, activating the chainsaw mid-swing.

Dion dodged the saw and backed up, trying to not get hit by the blade. Then he noticed the man's partner standing to the side, his arm outstretched.

Tikari raised his left arm, the sleeve of his robe blasting open from an unknown source. A huge white orb appeared in his palm, swirling inside of itself like a hurricane.

"Wind Style: Mach Blast!" roared the dark-skinned man firing the orb.

An immense gust of wind flew through the air, shredding through both the Titan and Viitta in one blow. It hit with the force of a hurricane, filling the room with its force.

"He hit his own partner!" yelled Paula amazed.

The gust ended, revealing that the two of them were now forgone from the battle, apparently blasted off to some corner of the room. It also left long slashes in the floor, the wind apparently tough enough to shred concrete.

Tikari glanced back at the three remaining Vault Hunters, his gaze calm and analytically. The notion of having murdered his own partner wasn't hard on him, as if he did it every day. He raised his arm again, charging up another white orb.

"Oh shit! We're next," said Alan with wide eyes.

Saprus raised his gun and fired away, hoping to cease the enemy's actions.

The dark-skinned man didn't even react, the charged orb becoming full size without a hitch.

"Lightning Style: Zeus Cannon!"

A huge tendril of electricity fired from his arm, arcing towards them and sparking against everything it touched. It was colored deep blue, melting the concrete beneath it with its heat.

"Too late! We can't dodge it!" shouted Paula panicked.

Suddenly Dion appeared, leaping in between them and the lightning bolt. His body jittered in response and his shield shattered, but he remained standing completely and grunted through the pain.

The lightning disappeared, leaving his body with minor scars and burns.

"You okay Dion?" inquired Alan.

"Yeah, you know. Just got flung across the room and took a lightning bolt to the chest. I'm cool," replied Dion sarcastically.

Viitta appeared from the far side of the room, not a scratch on him. He was grinning his head off, apparently bemused at the previous treatment. "That's impressive. Most people don't survive two blasts of Tikari's shit. You're getting old fast, old man."

"Just shut up," snapped Tikari. "They're a lot stronger than we anticipated. We'll have to be smart."

"Huh, I guess," muttered the silver-haired man swinging his chainsaw.

"It is amazing you survived all of this," stated the dark-skinned man calmly. "However, that does not meant you are stronger. Let's see how you take this."

He raised his arm again, charging up again.

"How many of those things can he fire?!" yelled Alan panicked.

"Fire Style: Boiling Death!" shouted Tikari loudly.

Flames burst from his arm, eating at the floor and burning the air.

The Vault Hunters dodged to the side, trying to evade the fire from injuring them. It burned strong enough to melt the concrete, leaving it a bubbly mass beneath their feet.

Viitta flew through the flames, his body seemingly resistant to it all. He swung at Saprus, laughing madly and haphazardly moving.

The infected shot Plaque IX at him, but the disease barely fazed the man, apparently dissipating into nothingness on contact with him.

The silver-haired man kicked him violently, spinning in the air to bring the chainsaw down.

The saw ate through Saprus's suit, spewing Plaque IX everywhere. This also caused him to spew blood from the wound, rendering him immobile. Then he turned into raw data, having died from the blow.

"Oh shit!" yelled Dion. "They got Saprus!"

He turned and was staring right into Tikari's merciless eyes, an orb already charged.

"Wind Style: Mach Blast!"

The Titan slammed into a wall, his spine fracturing and his skull splitting. He collapsed and began to disintegrate into data, going to the nearest respawn station.

Alan gritted his teeth, spinning his bayonets in his Evil Angel form. "Goddamn heathens!"

Tikari sprinted at him, his fist wrapped around a white charged orb for attack him.

"Fire Style: Searing Uppercut!"

The dark-skinned man slugged him in the head, melting the flesh clean off his skull and broiling his neck and upper torso. This also mercilessly made Alan disappear into data, his body registering that it was far too damaged to fight.

"It's just you baby girl!" yelled Viitta grinning madly. "I'm gonna have some fun with you."

He grabbed her by the collar and slashed her with the chainsaw, splitting her down diagonally.

Paula backed up and shot him, making a single hole in his flesh. It was the only time any of them had appeared injured, and apparently surprised him.

"Heh, not bad," complimented the silver-haired man licking his lips. "But you're done."

Then he stabbed her with the saw, the blades digging into her internal organs painfully. Then he followed with a cruel upwards motion, splitting her in half vertically from the waist up.

Paula disappeared into data with her team, stunned beyond comprehension that they had lost.

Viitta sighed as the Vault Hunters disappeared, apparently annoyed. "That was pathetic. They barely lasted a minute. I'm pissed off now."

"Get over it," ordered Tikari sternly, wiping the ash off his arm. "Let's get ready for when they come back. They now have a teleportation route right to our room, so they don't need to go through the rest of the mansion."

"Who cares? I want them to come back. Maybe they'll die slower next time."


	31. Chapter 31: Psychology

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Wow, those guys got their asses kicked didn't they?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, but it's to be expected. It was against the Immortal Combo."**

Lilith stared at the report in shock, not believing what she was seeing.

"The entire team…wiped out?" she asked stunned.

"Not that hard to believe," admitted Axton beside her. "I mean, they're only human."

"Alan is a Grave Knight," reminded Captain Wolfenstein.

"Don't get technical! They're still human at heart."

The Siren sighed, knowing that the team was probably taking it pretty hard. It was their first real loss before, and that wasn't something you just jumped back from. Contrary to popular belief, dying and respawning was still a traumatic experience, especially if you didn't do it often enough to where it became habit.

"Suture, is there any analysis you can give us on this Immortal Combo?" inquired Lilith. "We HAVE to get to that Vault before Josef…I mean Bellum."

Doctor Suture grinned, seemingly entertained by her words. "Believe me Miss Lilith, analysis is what I'm best at. I will figure out a way around this one way or another. But first, I must treat the team's injuries, both physical and psychological."

* * *

Dion sat in his room alone, his back against the wall while seated on his bed. Out of all the other's rooms, his was fairly messy. Assorted wrappers and packages lay all over the carpet, some of them with their contents still inside. He had several posters on his walls, all of them metal bands. It looked like a typical teenage male's bedroom, complete with the general funky smell.

Someone knocked on the door, though he didn't even glance up. "Go away."

"It's me. Suture."

The Titan stopped. He hadn't anticipated that. "Come in."

The surgeon walked in uncomfortably, obviously bothered by the messiness of his room. The older Titan had his hands in his pockets, a white shirt haphazardly tossed onto his thin body to cover the medical scars. He sat in his usual odd crouching position on his bed, noting the younger Titan's appearance.

"I did scans on you, as well as several psych reports," stated Suture analytically, shoving his glasses up his nose with a single finger.

"What'd you find?" asked Dion blankly, not really caring.

The surgeon leaned forward, occupying the younger Titan's personal space. "Tell me, do you have pubic hair?"

The younger Titan recoiled sharply. "The fuck kinda question is that?!"

"It's a question that must be answered. Nurse Katelyn didn't let me see you without your undergarments, and I must be certain of this detail for accurate diagnosis."

"Fine!"

Dion blushed deeply, embarrassed at what he was about to say. "I…I don't have pubes okay? So what?"

Suture nodded, pulling a chocolate from his pocket. "Indeed. Chocolate?"

"Uh….no."

"Fine. More for me."

The surgeon popped it into his mouth, chewing on it happily. "Mmm, dark chocolate. Anyway, that does make sense with the psych reports."

"What do you mean?"

"Your team has noted that you are angrier than normal."

Dion glanced to the side. "Yeah, I am."

"And apparently you are also seeing visions."

"…yes."

Suture nodded, wiping his mouth of chocolate with his tongue. "Indeed. I've noticed several signs that you are not a fully mature Titan."

"Eh? You can tell that?"

"Well I have limited research, but I have both my accounts and Rocko's for reference."

"Like that rapping man-child can help you," murmured Dion dismissively.

"While your comments are accurate, his backstory does match with mine in terms of physical development."

"…so what you're saying is that this anger shit is because I'm starting my period?"

"Uh….you're a Titan, we don't get those."

"I know that much! I'm not an idiot!"

Dion sighed. "Damn it. What's gonna happen to me?" He silently thanked God that Alan wasn't here, or he would've pulled several wisecracks, mostly joking that Dion would grow breasts and start liking boys and other such things that would agitate the living shit out of him.

Suture stroked his chin, which was beginning to grow peach buzz. "First, I noticed your relatively high voice. That'll change over time, but it might be uncomfortable. Your face will begin growing hair, as well as your various other regions…"

"Okay, I know that stuff!" roared Dion slightly disgusted. "Anything else?"

"Well, you'll be violent during this process. Extremely violent. I can't explain it, but punching people out will probably be your first response to anything."

"I already did that a lot," muttered the Titan slightly ashamed of that headstrong behavior of his.

Suture stood up, adjusting his glasses with a single finger. "Good to see you again anyway. If something else starts happening, just call me. I'm always willing to help a fellow Titan."

Dion nodded. "Thanks…I think."

"No need to thank me. Hippocratic Oath applies with my team."

Then he walked out, leaving the younger Titan alone with his thoughts.

"But…who was that woman in the elevator…?" murmured Dion confused.

* * *

Saprus sat with Taika beside him at the dining table, a cup of coffee in his hands. He sipped it, noting the sweet taste and richness.

"This is good coffee," complimented the infected brushing a strand of his grey hair out of his face, having taken his medicine to remove his suit. He was grateful to be out of it, especially around his teammates.

"Thanks," said the huntress sipping her own cup. "Always wanted to take you out for a cup of coffee."

He chuckled, coughing slightly from the gesture.

"You alright?" she asked concerned, planting a hand on his heart. She blushed with her audacious action, mainly since she was not trying doing the action platonically but it could be misinterpreted as all sorts of bad things.

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Fan-preferred couple spotted! Awooogah! Awoooogah! Various assorted submarine noises!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Stop chanting that! You're hurting my ears."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "The subtext is there! The SUBTEXT!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I'm gonna bury you under the subtext at this rate if you don't shut the fuck up!"**

"Yeah, just my age," he stated gently brushing her hand off. "I am sixty after all. I'm not in the best condition."

She nodded sadly, her mind wandering on something. He noticed this quickly, having familiarized himself with his team.

"What's the matter? You afraid of doing the eulogy at my funeral?" asked Saprus jokingly.

She shook her head. "No! It's just…well…you had your first loss as a Vault Hunter and…that's usually pretty hard on people…"

He chuckled. "Taika, you clearly don't know me. I've failed more times than I can count. If I had given up, I would already be dead. I see no point in lying down and giving up after a loss. That's a lesson young people don't understand for a while, but us old people understand it very well."

"Us?" questioned the huntress raising an eyebrow.

He quickly realized he shouldn't have said that. Bringing up a woman's age was generally a bad idea no matter what age she was, right behind asking her if she was pregnant. "Uh…that slipped out…"

"But you meant to say that," growled Taika lowly.

"Yeah, but…mature women are…"

"I'm 27 you old fart!"

"Oh…you don't act like it."

She paused, not sure what he meant by that. "Huh?"

He smiled gently. "You're very mature and kind for someone your age. That's a good sign. It means you'll be a great mother someday."

She blushed beet red, turning away rapidly. "Don't be stupid. I'd die of boredom if I became a mom. Besides, who says my husband can't take care of the kids?"

"Nothing at all," admitted Saprus. "I personally like kids. They listen to old farts like me. They show me that even with all the bad things going on in the world, these kids can be made into something good with just a few actions on my part. That's why I like kids."

"…you'd make a great husband."

He laughed. "I'm not so sure about the other 'fatherly duties'. I'm fit, but I don't know if I'm that fit if you catch my drift."

Taika gasped wordlessly. "You…perverted old man!"

He grinned amused. "Guilty as charged."

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I am officially shipping these two together! They have my blessing from Scotty 'Roundhouse' Dale IV!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "That's….wait, you're a fourth?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yes. My father was Scotty 'Roundhouse' Dale, as was his father before him and his father before him."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "That's….actually kinda cool. Why don't you have more stories like that?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Most of my stories are interesting!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "They're just about the various chicks and dudes you slept with! And the animals and plants and inanimate objects!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, my favorite was that toaster oven…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Don't remind me of that one! I'm still talking to my therapist about that one!"**

Suture stood outside the visible range of the two, noting the behavior of both of them silently. He adjusted his glasses and popped a chocolate in his mouth. "Subject adjusting well due to previous experiences. No need for psychological reconstruction or intervention. Mm, peanuts and milk."

He walked off, in pursuit of some of the others who had been caught up in this mess.

* * *

Paula slashed at the easel with a wide paint brush, splashing a huge line of yellow on the canvas. She did so with unbridled anger, mostly from her bent-up frustration. Around her were the results of this anger, dozens of forgotten easels with messy combinations of colors. Covering the walls of her room were huge sprays of paint from her thrashings, making it appear as if she had detonated a paint bomb inside.

"Goddamn it!" she roared with another slash, making an odd shape she did not have a name for and didn't care to make one for.

She had been painting madly for the last hour to let out her anger, as she had become greatly frustrated at her failure. She had gotten so annoyed she had even re-dyed her hair to disassociate herself from her past, making it a dark orange color that appeared similar to burnt copper, a shade she greatly liked and hoped to keep for a little while.

"I don't want to talk!" she snapped over at Suture, who had walked into her room quietly.

The surgeon sighed. "Listen, I understand that you're angry at your loss…"

She flung her arm at him, dashing his shirt with a line of yellow.

"Of course I'm pissed off!" she yelled angrily. "I lost! The Mad Artist is not a loser!"

He wiped his glasses of the paint calmly, not at all bothered by her actions. He had honestly expected worse anyway. "If you aren't a loser, than why are you acting like one?"

She stopped dead, stunned by his question. She put the paintbrush down, her eyes low out of shame.

"Just go," she said blankly. "I'll…I'll clean this mess up."

Suture nodded, walking out without another word. He knew that what he had said was harsh, but he also knew she needed to deal with these problems for herself.

* * *

Alan banged his head loosely, his hair flying in every direction as he did so. The music around him, at the same volume and pitch as jet engines, were rocking his skull and making it generally hard to stand. He didn't care though. It felt damn good.

Lupus Cithara beside him was in similar motions, being far more professional in his headbanging. Among metal fans (commonly dubbed metalheads), headbanging was an official sport and way of showing dominance. Whoever lasted the longest and did the most ferocious motions was considered the dominant. It was kinda stupid, but also kinda awesome in a way.

The priest stopped, his head throbbing violently. "Shit, you're really good at this man. I think I did brain damage and you're still going just as hard as I did. What's your secret?"

The guitarist stopped, barely dizzy from his movements. "Practice. I am the Crimson Motherfucker after all. Headbanging is like breathing to me now."

Just to demonstrate, he placed an empty beer can on his desk top and smashed it with his forehead, shaking his head to dislodge the splattered alcohol.

"Didn't even feel it," he said tossing the crumpled can into the trash can.

"Sick. Last time I tried that I scratched the ever living shit out of my forehead," admitted Alan rubbing the scars. Aluminum cans, despite their usage in the civilian populous, are extremely hazardous with their razor sharp edges when torn or crumpled.

**[Richard McGuiness] "Damn straight! I split my palm with one of those things! Couldn't jerk off for two days!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Took two days to heal?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Took four weeks to heal. I didn't have any willpower…"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Can't say I blame you, especially with my sexy ass here."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Just…SHUT UP!"**

Lupus sipped another beer can, since nothing works better than violent death metal and alcohol consumption. For the younger metalhead audience, please do not combine these things since you will certainly get something broken in your own head or your immediate property.

"Let's try a new song I made the other day," said the guitarist adjusting the sound system. "I think I called it 'Cyanide Ejaculation'."

"Sounds brutally awesome. Turn it up."

Suture plugged his ears from outside the room, the noise being able to penetrate the soundproof walls. "Subject incapable of being analyzed due to unorthodox thinking patterns. Assume psychological stability for personal health safety and lack of any emotional distress."

He walked away hurriedly, trying to get as far away from the noise as possible. "God, I need some Beethoven to ease my mind. Rebuilding people's psyches is hard work. Though I only technically did it for two of them…oh well, I'm still charging Lilith full price."

He grinned mischievously. "One metric ton of chocolate. I appear to be mad, but in actuality, I really am."

**[Richard McGuiness] "…that made literally no fucking sense!"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well he is the doctor of the group. All doctors in fiction are naturally insane!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, I'm noticing that trend. Say, isn't Zed technically their doctor?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well, I think it works like Suture is their research doctor while Zed is wounds and healing."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "…that's just confusing."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, well, nothing we can do about it now. Not like the producer would listen to us on that one."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "That dick-hungry cum-dumpster…"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "My ex-wife?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "No, the producer."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh, right."**


	32. Chapter 32: The Bank Game

**[Richard McGuiness] "Wait, we're following Bellum too?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yeah, we did that earlier too. They are contestants too, so it makes sense."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well you get to follow those twins as much as you want, ya creepy dick-jacker."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yes. Yes I can."**

Jack and Jane walked through the Carnival Point Exchange Center, holding hands like a happily married couple. The male's shotgun was full of incendiary ammunition, glowing a bright red color in his hand. The female's machine gun had shock ammunition in the magazine, the barrel sparking with the excess energy.

"Karasu-sama will be ready to pick up the money," stated the brother calmly, a toothpick already placed in his left ear. "Our job is to clear this terminal."

"Big brother, is this legal?" asked the sister nervously. "I mean…this is people's stuff…"

"Little sister, clearly you don't understand how the world works," said John smiling gently. "All these people stole that money and loot, so technically we're just restealing it."

"Is restealing a word?"

"I don't think so, but I will use it regardless."

She giggled. "Big brother, you're so funny."

He grinned. "Thank you."

They reached the door and opened it slowly, revealing the terminal. It looked similar to a large bank, which was very close to what it actually was. Here any Carnival participant could exchange Carnival Points for cash, a very valuable exchange process that made overnight millionaires. Of course bank robberies were also high, which was exactly what was happening right now.

"On the ground, now!" roared a masked man with a large machine gun, waving it above a crowd of comatose contestants. Around him were similarly dressed men, all of them wearing masks and holding guns. Obviously they had been there for a while, judging by the pile of money and loot near them, as well as the piles of bodies of those who probably hadn't forfeited their stuff.

The man turned and aimed his gun at the two, then stopped. "Shit, why the hell are kids here? Listen, get on the ground, shut up, and we won't hurt you."

Jack grinned maniacally, stunning the man. "Won't hurt us? Good, because I only wanted to play."

He adjusted his toothpick and spat it, the metal pin flying with extreme inhuman force.

The man collapsed to the ground, his right eye replaced by a large metal needle.

"Nice shot big brother," complimented Jane.

"Thank you," replied John leveling his shotgun. "Let's _play_."

The sister nodded and began firing into the group of men, showing incredibly good aim for someone with such a big gun. They collapsed into jitters and gore, splattering against the ground with a flop.

John walked forward through the bodies, splashing blood on his Victorian boots and pants. Finding the still-alive man with the toothpick in his eye, he planted his shotgun on the man's chest and fired.

The man disintegrated below him, burning flesh staining his arm and gun as well as the nearby stretch of floor.

"Alright, listen up!" ordered John waving his flaming shotgun around him, blood still plastered on his face. "We're playing a game, understand?! If you don't follow the rules, you get shot!"

He tripped on one of the bodies, staggering in his speech. "Ugh, little sister, please drag this body out of the way."

"But that's not a lady's job big brother!" argued Jane walking towards him. She then shot a random person in the crowd, unloading a half-clip of ammunition into the person.

He rolled his eyes and shoved the body with his foot, showing great strength for his age. Granted, he was a professional killer in one of the most bloodthirsty armies imaginable, so it made sense that he was a bit strong.

"Okay, now, start sliding your valuables and don't try anything! That's the rules of the game! Follow them or you're out!"

Just to show this, he aimed his shotgun at a random person and blew them to pieces against the floor.

The hostages began to do so, piles of money and guns appearing at their feet.

"Hey big brother!" chimed Jane from the bank counter.

"Yeah!?"

The sister reached over the counter and grabbed the cashier, throwing the person onto the floor. "This guy said something about me!"

She placed her submachine gun barrel under the man's chin, smiling innocently. "Just repeat that a little louder, would you kindly?"

The man was clearly terrified, mostly from having a giant electric SMG underneath his windpipe.

"I'd recommend doing speaking up," stated John crouching near the man and smiling, clearly approving of his sister's actions. "My sister can be really impatient if she doesn't get what she wants."

"Y-y-you're both insane," spat the man nervously.

Jane grinned. "Thanks for sharing."

She then elbowed him in the face, shattering his nose and covering her arm in blood.

"Ew, he bled on me big brother!" complained the sister rubbing the blood off her arm.

"You did hit him," reminded the brother wagging his finger like a parent.

"But he wasn't supposed to bleed THIS much!"

"Well you should punish him for it. I would do that."

Jane nodded, getting a sadistic grin similar to her brother's. "Gladly big brother."

She blocked the man's broken nose, cutting off his access to air. He opened his mouth and the sister grabbed the inside of his jaw, keeping it from closing with a strong hand on his forehead. She sensually ran her fingers over his tongue in a highly suggestive way, apparently knowing exactly what she was doing.

Then she yanked violently, dislocating his jaw off his skull.

The man cried out in agony and she groaned, apparently absorbing his pain as pleasure. She calmly twirled small circles with it, the appendage hanging loosely off his face and letting her milk the agony from him.

"Don't be sad," she reassured the man gently stroking his face as she kept moving his broken jaw. "With this my big brother will be able to fit down your throat easier. Don't you want that?"

Before he could answer, she got a better grip on his jaw. "Just one more go.…"

With that, she pulled again, snapping it further off and leaving it hanging. Grabbing the man's tongue, she let it hang out the side of the man's mouth, enjoying the pitiful cries he made.

"He's ready big brother," said Jane smiling at him.

John walked over and kissed her on the lips quickly, grinning. "Thanks little sister."

He lowered his shotgun and shoved the barrel down the man's throat, the end of it easily nudging into the crevice with his jaw broken. He winked at the man, licking his lips provocatively.

"Come on, so close…" murmured the brother narrowing his eyes, panting slightly. The symbolism behind that breathing pattern, as well as the action he was doing, spoke volumes about his character. Freud would have a few words to say to him, and maybe a few for his sister as well.

He grinned as he could no longer see the barrel, the man's neck stretched out almost comically.

"Perfect," he whispered closing his eyes and pulling the trigger.

The man's head disintegrated, blowing blood all over the brother's head and arm. He grinned widely, licking his lips and tasting the gore. "Wow. Little sister, you have to taste this!"

They kissed passionately, each of them sucking face.

"Wow, he really did taste good!" complimented Jane.

"I know! Thanks for the taste mister!"

He patted the dead body gently before standing back up and resuming his pacing. He glanced at the pile of loot the hostages had tossed them in the meantime, nodding his head.

"I think this game is done," stated the brother shouldering his shotgun. "Little sister, we need to get the board ready for the next one."

"Can I do it first big brother?" asked the sister hopping in excitement. "I always wanted to clean the board!"

"Of course little sister. Be my guest."

Jane nodded and began firing at the prone hostages, waving her gun widely. The bullets cut through them like knives through paper, blood pouring onto the floor and onto her shoes. She adjusted her hat with an off-hand, allowing her to aim easier despite her relatively low accuracy.

John joined her, eagerly pumping his shotgun alongside her. His buckshot ate flesh and boiled muscles, the bones quickly turning to ashes beneath his assault. His golden eyes flashed with madness, a look his sister only reflected in her own eyes.

Once the crowd of hostages was reduced to bloodstains on the floor, the two of them kissed deeply, showing a mood whiplash. The sister was the submissive one, the brother the dominant, but it was an equal showing of love and trust.

"That was a great game little sister. I'm so proud of you," said John smiling.

Jane blushed but smiled, propping her gun onto her shoulder. "I learned it all from you big brother!"

He nodded and walked over to the safe behind the counter, drawing a large explosive device from his belt. Planting it on the metal surface, he stepped back and pushed the detonator in his other hand.

The vault blew open and revealed the huge cache of Carnival Points and cash, worth several billions in both currencies.

"Wow. Looks like we won this game," stated John grinning widely. He pressed a button on his wrist, signaling Karasu.

A huge swarm of crows burst into the room, flooding it with the black birds. The twins didn't move, knowing that they would not hurt them in the slightest. They did blind them though, covering everything in a swarm of black feathers.

Than the crows disappeared, replaced by Karasu leaning on the vault door. All the money had been teleported out of the place, courtesy of his unique ability to replace objects with others. He had simply replaced the loot with crows, which then flew off and became loot again and repeated indefinitely until it was all gone. It took barely ten seconds, a testament to how skilled he was.

"That was amazing Karasu-sama!" exclaimed Jane jumping into the air, clapping her hands.

John nodded, doing the same with his own hands. "Very impressive Karasu-sama. You are far greater that even your dossier says."

He nodded, the immense fishing hook placed next to him casually. He spoke not a word, his head bowed low to disguise his eyes. He almost never talked on the job, a trait they had grown to expect.

The brother grabbed his sister's hand in his own, shouldering his shotgun in one motion. "Let's head back. I think…"

He stopped, a single man standing in front of them holding a gun. He looked bloody, his body full of bullet holes and slash marks from the crows.

"You…bastards…" spat the man angrily. "You…stole…all that stuff! You know how long it took to get all that? I'm gonna…"

He didn't finish, glancing down at a large metal object wrapped around his neck. It looked like a fishing hook, with the barbed end of it placed perfectly over his trachea.

He glanced to the side, tracing the long weapon all the way back to its owner Karasu. The crow man stood almost bored, a solid five feet away from his target.

Then Karasu yanked the hook, decapitating the man cruelly with the barbed end.

The twins bowed in thanks, impressed by his speed and swift execution.

"Thank you Karasu-sama," stated John gratefully. "That man would've killed us if you hadn't stepped in."

"Yes, thank you," said Jane bowing her head, her normal shy personality returning slowly from her adrenaline high.

"No problem," he spoke simply, placing his bloody hook onto his shoulder. "Let's go."

They departed promptly, their goals down. The twins happily moved along holding hands, the crow man preferring a quiet and dignified look of solitude. Regardless, the three of them left their mark and completed their job, absolutely perfectly.


	33. Chapter 33: Hottest Girl in Anime

**[Richard McGuiness] "Why are we still doing crap like this?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "These chapters in between fights or commentary?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Well I'm cool with commentary, but why are we wasting time here?"**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well, it's mostly to flesh out our characters and make them likable, as well as make this story funnier."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Oh, great. The comedy genius inside our producer obviously is trying to burst out, most likely from the asshole."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I would bet on that."**

Lilith groaned while on the telephone, clearly exasperated with the person on the other end. "Worker's compensation? Dave, you're being retarded. You stuck your dick in a fucking beehive, we don't cover that! Ugh, just shut up."

She hung up, annoyed out of her skull by this Dave guy. "Man, I hate when my men try to get worker's compensation just to go back to their gambling and drinking habits. I guess it's to be expected. I mean, we are Crimson Raiders from Pandora after all. I bet half these guys still don't know how shampoo works."

"But sticking your dick in a beehive?" asked Baskerville amazed, leaning back in his favorite chair alongside her. "How desperate can you get? I like my booze, don't get me wrong, but I like to keep my meat safe."

"You better. It's the only quality I like about you," she said grinning mischievously.

"Ah, baby. You're too cruel."

"I'm joking. You got a nice ass too."

He looked away slightly embarrassed. "Tell Axton I got a girl ass and I'll…well…I won't kill you, but you wish I had."

Lilith chuckled. "Don't worry. Your secret, and your ass, is safe with me."

Doctor Suture stood fairly awkwardly in the center of this, trying his hardest not to process any of it. "Well, I did my best. I want my chocolate. Assorted, one-third dark chocolate, one-third milk chocolate, the final third white chocolate. One metric ton."

"You sure you got all the analysis on the Immortal Combo?" inquired the Siren hesitantly. "This is a lot of chocolate. It cost me a fortune getting it all."

"I am the best at research in this entire ship," defended the surgeon strongly. "But the problem is that no medicals records exist of the two, so I can't figure out bodily weaknesses. Even the television airings of their fights leave no hints. All of them are inconsistent. It makes no sense."

"So…you didn't get your analysis?" asked Lilith hopefully, really wanting to not pay him.

"Don't be ridiculous. I got important information."

He pulled out a piece of paper, unfolding it in front of his face. "It appears that Tikari and Viitta are immune to each other's attacks, as shown through our Vault Hunter's fight and numerous other recordings. Tikari can't be hurt by Viitta's chainsaw, and Viitta doesn't even feel the elemental blasts of Tikari."

"So they can just spam their attacks and don't need to worry about the other," murmured the Siren chewing on her thumb.

"That's pretty sick teamwork," noted Baskerville.

"Yes," agreed Suture. "Also, not a single group has ever gotten past them by taking them on together. They always separated them and then killed them, never facing them together."

"Makes sense," analyzed Lilith.

"Indeed. That's all I could get analysis off of at the moment, but I'm hoping to get more later."

"Later?"

The surgeon grinned. "Well, if they fail again, I get more research. If they succeed, well, I can ask them how they defeated them and get my research that way. Either way, I win. Knowing thy enemy is an oath I follow, just as the Hippocratic Oath. I want to learn all that I can, and knowing weaknesses of future opponents is a great place to start."

The Siren smirked, amused by his statements. "So you've done research on us too? After all, a good opponent knows to keep their enemies closer than their friends."

He chuckled, adjusting his glasses with his off-hand. "Miss Lilith, you underestimate me."

He looked up, his eyes flashing with madness. "I did research on you all before I even joined the Carnival. I know all of your weaknesses."

He turned promptly, waving his hands dismissively. "But I wouldn't turn on you. No, you see…"

Suture gave a huge sneer, like that worn by a hyena. "I simply adore your chocolate. I can't get enough of the stuff. It's like cocaine mixed with heroin. I'd replace my blood with it if I could. Until you run out of chocolate, I will stay."

He left without another word, giggling to himself about chocolate.

"Crazy nutter," murmured Baskerville. "Why the hell did we even let him in our crew? He was the enemy."

"He was in the Carnival, a neutral target," argued Lilith. "Besides, he proposed the deal first. He doesn't like Mr. Vangorium apparently. Something about 'questionable methods' or what not."

"Questionable methods?" repeated the wereskag. "That insane jackoff didn't like someone using 'questionable methods'? God, he's more twisted than a sidewinder on acid."

"Fair enough, but people tend to stick around when they join our crew."

"Yeah I noticed that. That stupid bitch Axton will never die."

Lilith laughed loudly. "I should tell him you said that."

"Go ahead. I'll eat his dumb dick if he tries anything. He'd probably agree with me too."

"Knowing him, yeah."

The Siren grabbed the nearby telephone, patching in a long-time client of hers. "Marcus, yeah it's me. Listen, I need your next two months' shipments of chocolate. Yes, all of it. Yes I'll play full price you cheap sack of crap. Yes, I'm sorry Mel is bothering you at your shop, I can't help it. Tina kicked his dumbass out of her entire bulkhead and that's the only one he's allowed on anymore I'm afraid. Yes, yes, goodbye."

She sighed dramatically, plopping back into her seat with a mighty heave. "Ugh…Baskerville, is it too early to snuggle into bed and relax with some vanilla ice cream and lazy sex with the Notebook on in the background?"

He grinned. "Baby, there's never a 'too early' for that."

"Thank God. I hate wearing pants so damn much. Never noticed when I was single though."

* * *

"Okay, I knew this question would come up again," stated Alan shuffling the deck of cards, an expert gambler in his own right and his forte being card games.

The group mumbled a response, apparently not eager to hear what he had to say. Considering how his last joke was a rather dark remark on necrobestiality (something only Lupus knew even existed), they weren't sure what to expect but they expected something creepy.

"Ah eat my dick all of you! It's not we got anything else to do in this boring ass waiting time!"

**[Richard McGuiness] "He's got a point! This is more or less a filler episode."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "But stuff happened in the first part!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, well, filler with a plot."**

Dion shrugged. "How bad can the question be? What you gonna ask?"

Alan grinned, dealing out cards hurriedly and expertly. "Hottest girl in anime. Goes hand in hand with the 'hottest girl in video games' question since we're all a bunch of otakus jagging off to animated chicks like over half our target audience. Go."

They all glanced at their cards, unconsciously debating the question in their heads.

"Casca, Berserk," replied Dion grinning widely. "Tough, mean, and one hell of a build. I fell in love with that."

"Didn't think you'd be an Amazon chaser," noted Taika calmly.

"Hey, I don't care about the muscles. Hell, I'd want them to see if they could take me on. I'd enjoy the challenge."

Baldemar grinned, having joined them in this conversation. "Since Gaige is here and I know she'll answer her own, I'll add in mine. Yuzuriha Inori, Guilty Crown."

The schoolgirl at the other side of the table stuck out her tongue at him. "Meanie. She does kinda look like me in terms of breasts, but still. Fine, I'm voting Mirajane from Fairy Tale."

"Ah, I can't compare to that," complained the inventor sheepishly.

"Yeah, so be grateful I don't dump your dumb ass out of an airlock."

"Ladies, breathe," advised Saprus rolling his eyes. "Honestly, you two are already arguing like a married couple."

"Well…" muttered Gaige looking away sheepishly.

Paula stood up immediately. "You WHAT?! Girlfriend if I am not your maid of honor I am KILLING YOU!"

"I just met you!" argued the schoolgirl.

"But we're already so close! We're like protozoans feeding off each other's negative sexual energy!"

"You gonna answer the question or not?" demanded Alan impatiently.

"Fine! Boa Hancock from Single Piece! Go shove it in your dick pedo!"

"I am NOT A PEDOPHILE!" roared the priest angrily.

"Oh really? What was your pick?" questioned Lupus.

Alan blushed embarrassed. "That's not the point…"

"Ugh, I know I'm going to regret this, but what is it?" inquired Axton from the other side of the table. He appeared to be apathetic towards the overall game, but at least he had bothered to show up.

"Uh…Rukia Kuchiki from Bleach."

They all paused, slightly amazed.

"That's…actually kinda normal," admitted Taika.

"Yeah, not bad," agreed Dion. "Not my type, but she's nice."

"See! I can be normal!" snapped the priest aggravated.

Axton chuckled. "Only so much. If you're curious, I pick that hot black-haired chick for Naruto."

"…Hinata?" asked Dion.

"No, the one with the white mask and the mirrors and needles."

Alan stifled a laugh, knowing full well who he was talking about. "Haku?"

"Yeah, that's it."

They all looked around awkwardly, some of them laughing quietly.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Uh… Haku's a guy bro," stated Saprus calmly.

The cowboy stopped. "Bullshit."

"Yeah, they revealed it shortly afterwards," muttered Taika quietly.

"But…the kimono…the hair…dear God I looked at STUFF on the internet with him!"

He ran off hurriedly, crying his eyes out after such an unsettling gender reveal.

"He gonna be okay?" inquired Baldemar.

"Oh please, he did the same thing with Deidara," explained Gaige smiling. "Anyway, let's continue shall we?"

Taika leaned back in her chair, mulling the question over in her mind. "Asuna Yuuki, Sword Art Online. That woman is feminine ass-kicking personified."

"I agree mostly," stated Lupus nodding. "She's also a famous warrior. If she was real, I'd love to chat with her about her battles and write songs about it."

Saprus shrugged, agreeing but also disagreeing. "She's nice, but I prefer Neko from K-Project. I love the different color eyes and albinism."

"I honestly prefer Saeko from High School of the Dead," muttered the guitarist. "I can't even imagine the stories she could tell me..."

They all stopped and laughed loudly, apparently all sharing in an unspoken joke.

"We're all a bunch of perverted bastards," spat Alan grinning madly.

"Yeah, but guess what?" asked Paula sneering proudly.

"What?"

"I won."

She threw her cards onto the table, flipping the bird in the same motion. "Royal flush, owned! Suck my invisible dick all of you!"

Gaige swore loudly and grabbed Baldemar. "Come on! We are having serious angry sex right now!"

The inventor gave a thumbs-up to his teammates before he disappeared into his room, several sounds of grunting and screaming ensuing.

"Uh…that's awkward," muttered Dion rubbing the side of his head. "Well, I guess I just lost."

"Yeah," agreed Lupus shrugging. He strummed his guitar, which he had placed in his lap lazily. "The bitter sting of defeat."

Taika sighed, lighting a cigarette in her lips. "Damn it. Want one Saprus?"

"No thanks," stated the infected. "Never got into it. My wife would've killed me."

"Well nothing stopping you now," noted the huntress. She extended the pack. "Maybe it's time for a new bad habit?"

He shook his head, gently putting her hand down. "No thanks. I…"

"Come on," urged Taika grinning. "It's not like you got sixty more years to waste. We might be dead in the next few days if they take those respawn stations offline."

The infected paused, considering her statements. Then he grabbed a single one, placing it into his mouth loosely.

The huntress chuckled, lighting it for him with her long lighter. "Welcome to the Smoker's Club."

"Where the beaches are fine and the bitches are finer," jested Lupus, who had a clove cigarette in his lips already.

Saprus gave a small cough, then a series of larger ones until he dropped the cigarette. His eyes closed, his face contorted with pain.

"Shit you okay?" asked Taika concerned. Her face held the guilt she didn't vocalize, her mind rushing with possibilities. The worst possibility was: oh shit I just killed the most sensitive guy on this ship.

He shook his head, waving the smoke away from his face. "I guess my illness isn't cigarette-friendly."

The huntress stomped on the fallen cigarette, smiling apologetically. "Well, that's the end of your stay in the Smoker's Club."

"Damn," spat Saprus chuckling. "I kinda wanted to stay."

"Naw, its good ya quit," stated Lupus. "I do it for music, that's all."

"The nicotine," murmured the huntress taking a puff. "Started when I was 13. Pretty poor idea in retrospect. Killed most of my tastebuds."

"You get used to it," admitted the guitarist shrugging.

They all stopped talking when Suture entered the room, his white lab coat impeccable. He was happily munching on a chocolate bar, smiling like a child. It was rather odd to see him grinning so largely, especially from a normally serious guy.

He looked up and noticed them staring, immediately going back to his normal bored expression. "Oh. You're here."

"Yeah," noted Dion scratching his head. "Never seen a grin that big on your face before."

Suture bit down on the chocolate, grinning again and breaking from his blank demeanor. "Yeah, well, I just got a ton of chocolate. Literally, a ton. I'm incredibly animated right now."

"I wonder, with your new sugar high, are you still able to give us information?" inquired Paula. "We need more intel on Tikari and Viitta or we're going to get our asses kicked again."

The surgeon nodded, grabbing one of the many chairs at the table and sliding into it with his odd crouching manner. "Yes, well, I did do research into them. So listen up."

He bit into the chocolate, moaning slightly. "Mm, caramel…"

"Would you stop orgasming over the table and spit it out?!" snapped Alan angrily.

"Oh, of course."

**Just like the last time, I'm asking you who your hottest girl in anime is. Don't judge me too harshly. I agree with Alan for Rukia Kuchiki from Bleach. The bunnies...God damn I'm gonna need a few blood bags for this nosebleed. **


	34. Chapter 34: Not So Immortal

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I got a question for you Rich."**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Ask away, I got nothing else to do."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "When did Tikari and Viitta join us anyway?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "About five years ago they were the assistants of the Shadow Estate, like Famile. We didn't let them be the boss since our original guy was stronger."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh, who was it?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "A little somebody by the name of Elena Tear."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Holy shit she ran this district first?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, she was damn good at it too. But she got promoted and they got the district."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Huh, Elena was really that scary?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Dude, Elena scares the living shit out of me. That woman could kick my ass seven different ways to Sunday."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh….that's hot…"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Damn it man! She could hear you!"**

"I know the song that gets on everybody's nerves…"

"Shut up…"

"…and it pisses people off but it's really quite absurd…"

"Damn it Viitta…"

"…how this song gets on everybody's nerves…"

Tikari grabbed his partner and began to strangle him violently, shaking him thoroughly to get his message across. "SHUT YOUR DUMB ASS UP, YOU ANNOYING INSIGNIFICANT PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! I'M GOING TO MAKE A CARPET OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN SKIN AT THIS RATE, SO PUT YOUR DICK IN YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME FIVE FUCKING MINUTES OF PEACE ALREADY!"

Viitta hung weakly from his partner's strong hands, grinning his head off despite the circumstances he was in. "What you gonna do, kill me?"

"If I knew a way, I would," spat the dark-skinned man malevolently.

"Naw, you love me too much to kill me."

Tikari let him go, shoving him away in the same motion. "Shut up faggot."

"Faggot? That's creative."

"Well it's accurate in your case."

"Hey! I am not Masher!"

The dark-skinned man chuckled lowly. "Fine, that you are not. Let me adjust my statement: Shut up dickwad."

"See? That's a good insult!" chimed the silver-haired man clapping his hands mockingly.

"Shut up and die!"

The elevator to their arena dinged, signaling that someone was coming down.

Viitta grinned maniacally, raising his chainsaw to the same level as his shoulders. "Maybe it's those Vault Hunters again. I'd like to meet that explosive chick again. Art is a bang indeed…"

"Hopefully whoever it is knows how to fight," countered Tikari cracking his knuckles. "Everyone so far hasn't even gotten close to defeating us."

The elevator stopped at their floor, then something flew through the doors and smashed into the silver-haired man, knocking him off his feet and causing him to slid across the ground.

"Holy shit!" yelled Viitta panicking as he flew backwards against the floor. "Do something Tikari! Do something!"

"I don't even know what hit you!" roared the dark-skinned man angrily. "Just calm down! You aren't even injured!"

He noticed a huge green beam flying at him and he leaped out of the way, the plasma narrowly missing his body.

Then a bayonet landed right in his gut, the sharp metal edge burrowing into his body.

"I'm back," said Alan smirking at his opponent, his Evil Angel full in effect.

Tikari grunted, grabbing the priest and backhanding him across the head. Delivering a rapid series of punches and kicks, he made a white orb in his conjoined fists and pressed it into the priest's torso.

"Wind Style: Typhoon Bullet!"

Alan flew away from his opponent, smashing into the floor violently. He coughed blood and stood up, grunting in pain.

"My attacks did nothing," he muttered aggravated. "How can he resist my attacks?"

Tikari chuckled. "You clearly don't understand me then. You should've done more research if you hadn't figured that one detail out."

Viitta finally got back to his feet and was met by a large corrosive shotgun aimed at his face.

Saprus pulled the trigger, leveling the silver-haired man and throwing him further across the room.

Viitta scrambled to his feet, his head not even injured from the bullets. "That all you got suit boy?"

The infected gritted his teeth. "He resisted my attacks as well. Something isn't right."

The two district leaders laughed in unison, amused by their opponent's cluelessness.

"God, these all are a bunch of fucking retards," snapped Viitta.

"Indeed. Can't even figure out our weakness."

The silver-haired man leaned forward, his chainsaw on his shoulder. "I'm completely immune to elemental damage. That includes your disease, suit boy, as well as that green-haired little fuck's powers."

"All physical attacks are useless against me," added Tikari, cracking his neck to loosen it up. "Priest, your melee attacks and bullets do not affect me, neither does that woman's explosive damage."

Dion grunted, apparently processing that information. "That explains why they can fight the way they do. They are immune to each other's damage types completely, as well as any other sources of that damage."

"Heh, looks like one of you got it right," muttered Viitta amused. "But that doesn't mean you know how to kill us."

Tikari held up a small skull badge from his pocket similar to the last two, but this one was customized as well. The entire skull was black with purple details and blurry edges, as if it was covered in darkness.

"The Shadow Badge," explained the dark-skinned man. "Take a look at it, since you'll never have it."

Alan chuckled, something apparently amusing him greatly.

"Eh? What's so funny?" asked Tikari angrily. "I hate being laughed at you…"

He gasped, a glowing green fist having been shoved through his chest from the back.

Dion stood behind the man, his left fist having cleaved clean through the man's torso as if it was paper. It was just as he had suspected. Tikari was immune to physical and melee damage, but not to elemental damage.

Tikari grunted, coughing up blood. "Shit. You…snuck up on me. I…didn't even see you."

"Looks like I figured out your weakness," stated the Titan chuckling. "Not your lucky day."

He extracted his fist and the dark-skinned man crumbled, collapsing against the ground.

Viitta sneered, apparently annoyed. "Sucker punch eh? You're through Tikari? I can't believe it!"

Alan nodded, brandishing his bayonets. "Yeah, and you're next. My bet is that my blades will hurt you since they're melee damage, not elemental. So die asshole!"

He flew forward, then a foot slammed into his chest and knocked him across the room.

Tikari stood in between the priest and his partner, his leg raised up from delivering such a powerful kick. He appeared no worse for wear, even with a huge hole in his chest.

The priest stood up, gritting his teeth in pain. "But how? Dion punched you through the heart."

The two district leaders didn't answer, instead laughing at some private joke.

"We aren't called the Immortal Combo for nothing," snapped Viitta flashing a slasher smile.

"Thinking that a puny wound such as this would kill me is a harsh miscalculation," stated Tikari brushing a chunk of his own gore from his armor, not at all bothered by the wound despite the pain he was probably feeling. "You will need far more to defeat us."

Paula stepped forward, her shotgun already charged with Mad Art. "Fine. I'll just shoot you until you can't get up anymore and keep shooting you."

She fired, nailing Viitta right in the stomach, tearing it open and splattering his guts across the ground.

"Oooooow!" roared the silver-haired man dancing on his feet in pain. "Goddamn woman that hurt like a bitch!"

"That…should've killed you…" murmured the artist amazed.

He grinned widely. "I love that face of shock and awe. With your personality, my parents would love to meet you. Unfortunately, luggage fees on my plane are a bitch."

He raised his chainsaw, revving it loudly. "So I'll just cut you till you fit into my carry-on!"

Viitta sprinted forward, slashing widely with his saw, mindless of the blood pouring from his wound.

Alan stepped in and blocked the strikes, returning with his own blows and spin-kicking him away.

Tikari charged up a white orb and aimed it at his partner's fight, but a huge glowing fist smashed into his arm and caused him to miss widely.

"You're fighting me now," grunted Dion wildly swinging his arms, both of them charged up to hit like shotguns.

Tikari stepped back and grasped a white orb in his fist, jabbing forward and hitting the Titan in the stomach.

"Acid Style: Scalding Current!"

He emitted a huge spray of acid that melted clean through Dion, splattering the floor behind him as well as the internal organs of his opponent.

The Titan grunted, his flesh already regenerating back into its normal place. Slugging his opponent back, he incinerated his arm clean off, leaving his enemy without an appendage.

Tikari grunted and kicked him with a powerful swipe, throwing him against the wall. The force of it was immense, enough to dent the wall and leave a crater inside.

Dion looked up from inside his new hole in the wall and saw a large fist aimed at him.

Tikari punched him deeper into the hole, grabbing him by the collar and holding him up.

"I'm going to kill you for taking my arm," snarled the dark-skinned man gripping him tighter.

Saprus ran in and fired his Plaque IX right into Tikari's back, eating through his armor and flesh.

The dark-skinned man glanced at the infected, his eyes showing irritation. "Bastard."

Tikari threw Dion to the ground and stomped on him, keeping him securely in place. Then he raised his other arm and aimed it at Saprus.

"Lightning Style: Sparks of Agony!"

A wide array of sparks flew in a huge cone in front of him, covering the room rapidly.

Saprus's shield instantly fell, his body breaking into spasms. He collapsed against the floor, trying to get his coordination back.

Tikari glanced at the Titan under his foot, chuckling lowly. "Looks like I can wrap this up."

BREAK

Viitta leaped forward, spinning his body in elaborate ways that made it incredibly hard to predict his trajectory.

Alan dodged to the side and slashed him in the leg, crippling his opponent only slightly.

The silver-haired man slashed at him anyway, not concerned that the blow split his Achilles tendon and should've made it impossible to move his foot.

"These fuckers don't stay down!" roared the priest aggravated.

"Hell no I don't asshole!" replied Viitta, who appeared to be having a ton of fun. "Keep your place or lose your face!"

He grabbed Alan by the collar, holding him in place. "Looks like it's your face!"

Paula stepped into his guard and planted her shotgun under his chin.

"Eat buckshot psycho slut," snarled the artist firing.

Viitta flew off his feet and landed on the back of his neck, the force of the explosive gun being enough to throw his entire body. The landing should've fractured some vertebrae, and judging by the blood from the wounds, it had, but he didn't seem to register that.

He laughed loudly, flopping onto his back. "God you two…this is the best threesome ever."

Alan raised an eyebrow, his face registering disgust. "What kinda sick fucking heathen are you?"

Viitta grinned in response. "A hedonistic, sociopath who gets high on fun." He licked his hand that was covered in Alan's blood, ingesting the substance.

Black lines began to appear over his body, originating from something on the back of his neck. They wrapped around his torso and arms, appearing like Tron lines on his skin. They weren't his veins being tainted by some unknown agent, since they were completely flat, they were more similar to moving tattoos.

Viitta leaped to his feet, the lines wrapping around his eyes and changing them to a deep black color with a white iris.

"Time for the real fun," he said cracking his neck.

"Oh shit," muttered Alan amazed. "That's a Grave Knight ability."

Paula stopped. "Wait, these guys are like you?"

"Should've guessed," spat the priest disgusted. "Only a Grave Knight could become so resistant."

Viitta grinned. "Me and Tikari are Grave Knights from Grave Lord Tsarun, the guy before Arlon. Since Mordecai killed him, our powers came back full strength."

"Fuck," muttered Alan. "They have all their powers from their service under their Grave Lord, and Tsarun was one of the most powerful."

Tikari chuckled, having overhead his statements. "Correct. And you all don't have the same power we do."

A solid black layer unfolded over the dark-skinned man's flesh, forming over like skin-tight armor. Unlike his partner's elaborate tattoos, this one covered every inch of his original skin.

Tikari picked up Dion and slugged him, throwing him clear across the room as if he had shot him with one of the wind blasts. His strength was at least tripled, the shadows making it easier for him to use his full power.

Viitta ran at Alan, his body moving faster than seemed possible. He hit the priest right in the chest, dancing as he slashed and cut wildly. His arms moved in angles they weren't meant to, bending to the side as well as backwards to attack his opponent.

Paula charged up her gauntlet and punched him in the chest, causing him to bend dramatically. Then he grinned at her and curled around her hand, his body forming like rubber around her. He moved like a boa constrictor on her arm, his torso adjusting itself to allow him to do so.

The priest took advantage of this and stabbed him in the neck, cutting into several arteries. Viitta spat blood and grabbed at the artist, not slowing in his attack on her. Tightening his grip on her arm, he snapped it half before grasping at her neck.

"Gonna…kill you…" he grunted in effort, not caring that he was beginning to bleed out. He appeared to legitimately dying now, far weaker than normal. Unlocking his powers made him weaker as it seemed, unlike his partner.

Alan grabbed him and threw him to the ground, planting a foot on his chest to keep him still. The priest raised his blades into a cross, praying quietly to himself.

"Oh pitiful heathen lost in darkness, may God's mercy be upon you. May this humble priest cleanse your soul of sin and turn you to the light of God."

Then he gave a huge slasher grin, his eyes flashing with madness.

"Repent MOTHERFUCKER!" spat the priest raising his blades, his blue aura flowing over his body rapidly. This spread to his blades, which formed over them and made an immense battle axe above him.

He swung, cleaving Viitta in half, ending his life instantly.

Tikari whirled around, his eyes widening in disbelief. "Viitta…" Despite the animosity between them, it was obvious he was hurting from the loss of his partner.

The dark-skinned man's eyes burned with hatred. "You….you BASTARDS!"

He ran at Alan, charging up two white orbs in his palms.

"Wind Style: Mach Blast! Fire Style: Raging Inferno!"

The two elements combined, lighting the room up with a searing wind that melted the concrete and pushed it backwards, forming a liquid layer of moving floor that flowed like a flood away from him.

Dion blasted him from a distance, hitting him in the leg and knocking him to the ground.

The dark-skinned man collapsed to a single knee, breathing slightly. The Grave Knight moves were clearly last resorts, as even he was tiring from its usage.

They surrounded him, drawing elemental guns to exploit his weakness.

"You think you'll be enough?" asked Tikari grunting in pain. "You think a missing arm and a broken leg will stop me? You think that bothers me?"

He gritted his teeth, his rage building. "Don't be so full of yourselves, YOU FUCKING HUMANS!"

A white orb collected in his hand and he slammed it into the ground.

"Lightning Style: Agonizing Shock!"

The floor flooded with electrical currents, throwing them backwards and shutting off their shields.

Tikari gripped the floor with his hand and propelled himself at Saprus, his powerful arm being strong enough to launch his body like an automobile on the highway. The infected flew and crumbled to the floor, grunting in pain.

Dion leaped in, but the dark-skinned man whirled on his good leg and back-handed the Titan onto the ground. Gripping him tightly, he smashed him into the floor and dented the ground. He did so again and again, the third impact shattering the Titan's ribcage completely.

Paula fired her incendiary SMG at him, the fire eating through his armor and causing it to fall off in chunks.

Alan raised a pair of corrosive pistols and rapid-fired at the man, his expert aim knocking the dark-skinned man several times in the upper torso and head.

Tikari grunted and raised a white orb at the two firing at him.

"Wind Style: Mach Burst!"

They flew to the edge of the room, throwing off their aim completely.

Dion grappled the dark-skinned man and charged up his Plasma Rage, getting just as angry as his opponent.

"Dion Style: Eat A Dick!"

He head-butted the man, the plasma charged up in his head detonating on impact and throwing Tikari off him.

The dark-skinned man collapsed against the ground, his head smoking slightly. He grunted in pain and tried to stand, his body too weak to get up again. He coughed up blood, panting in effort.

"Fuck…I can't lose…I gotta…get that money…" muttered Tikari. "It's…the only thing of use….in this world…"

He felt a cold breeze brush past him, ending near his left shoulder.

He turned and saw Saprus standing there, traces of blue ethereal sparks amongst his body.

"The only thing of use in this world is love," stated the infected simply. "Your love for others is the only thing that truly matters. Of course, you would never understand that, would you?"

Tikari began to disintegrate, having been coated in a layer of Plaque IX. He chuckled, amused by his opponent's statements. "Love? Love is futile, like dust in the wind. I spit on love. Money is worth something, it is solid. Everything is fickle and subject to change, but at the last I can rely on money. Everyone wants money."

He smirked, his head rapidly disappearing. "Isn't that why you're trying so hard to get to the Vault? Even in victory, you prove me right. Thanks for that…"

Then he was gone, Tikari of the Shadow Estate passing into harmless data, leaving only the Shadow Badge in his place.

**Group Challenge Fulfilled: Slay Tikari and Viitta **

**Death of a Thousand Shots +200**

**One Arm Jack +50**

**Punch Out +100**

**Red Mode Dead Mode +100**

**Red Mode Dead Mode +100**

**Evil Angel +50 (Unique Kill: Alan)**

**Diseased +50 (Unique Kill: Saprus)**

**Seeing Red +50 (Unique Kill: Dion)**

**Art is a Bang +50 (Unique Kill: Paula)**

**Boss Encounter: +1000**

**Total Group Points: +1750**

Alan grinned, grabbing the small chunk of metal off the ground. "Three out of eight. We're doing good."

Paula whooped in joy, throwing her arms around Dion. "You kicked ass! That speech about love Saprus gave made me all sorts of hot and ready!"

The Titan shoved her away. "Piss off."

Saprus chuckled. "Let's head home and report to Suture. He'll definitely be curious to know what we found out."


	35. Chapter 35: A Scientist's Guilt

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yahoo! They won! Give me that money bitch!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "God, five whole dollars. Should've bet on the underdog."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "That's why you suck at gambling!"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Ugh, when you're right you're right."**

Suture walked through the Shadow Estate, his attire impeccable. He was searching for something deep in the mansion, something he knew would be there. Despite the termination of his business contract, all the assailants inside ignored him, as well as the traps. Just in case, he did have his razor blades on his person to activate his Blood Rage.

"They really made this place cleaner," he murmured admiring a painting.

"Heh, didn't think you'd be back," noted a mocking voice.

The surgeon turned and scowled.

Masher was standing in the hallway, occupying an immense space inside of it with his thin but tall form. Beside him was his servant Carnifex, carrying his gun for him like usual.

"I thought you ran the IKPFF district," stated Suture coldly. IKPFF represented the steampunk theme of amusement parks, and it was reflected in the design. The acronym stood for Ingenious Killer Piloted Free Flyer, but when Masher was around he constantly referred to it as I Kill People For Fun. Amazingly enough, the brutish giant had actually invented the district and everything in it, a testament to his hidden intelligence.

"Heh, I do. But you should've overheard by now. Your Vault Hunter buddies trashed Tikari and Viitta. I came here to make fun of them."

The surgeon scoffed. "So typical of a brute like you."

"Hey, watch yourself," spat Masher leaning forward brazenly. "You're not one of us anymore. All's fair now."

Suture stepped back, a razor blade sliding into his hand from his sleeve. Even so, his heart was pounding in his chest at the thought of fighting the giant. Masher was infamous for his combat prowess. He had never actually defeated him once.

The giant laughed, breaking the tension. "Relax man. I didn't come for a fight. Too tired. This is my end-of-the-day activity before hitting the sack."

The surgeon nodded firmly. "If that is so, please get out of my way. I have important business here."

He walked past the giant, feeling the immense heat that Masher let off just from breathing. He felt like he was standing next to an oven, the smell of his sweat and cologne nauseating and causing him to get slightly dizzy.

"You gonna see that girl?" asked Masher flashing a grin. "I already did."

Suture stopped dead. He heard the perverse undertones in the man's voice, and it concerned him greatly. "What?"

The giant chuckled lowly. "Yeah, I saw her. I saw every bit of her, the whore."

The surgeon whirled around. "You didn't dare. Mr. Vangorium would…"

"He can suck a dick about that," snapped Masher. "That whore is just a tool for us, a piece of equipment. We use her and abuse her, but who gives a damn? Not like she can do anything useful besides that, being a woman…"

Suture gritted his teeth. "But to actually rape her for your own perverted desires…that's revoltingly low, even for you."

The giant laughed. "I didn't do shit to her, I'm yanking ya chain asswipe."

He rubbed the top of the surgeon's head patronizingly, grinning at him. "So go say hi to your untouched little science fair project. Make sure to discipline her well for me."

Masher walked off, his servant Carnifex following him closely. The giant seemed to have a swagger in his step, clearly pleased with himself for annoying the surgeon.

"Brute," spat Suture angrily. "I hope the Vault Hunters tear him in half."

He continued walking, hoping he saw no more of his former colleagues in this place. He had a destination in mind, and it was incredibly important that he get to it.

Reaching a large painting, he waved his palm in front of a small feature in the brush-stroked oils.

The painting slid to the side, revealing a hidden elevator that only district leaders were aware of. It could only be opened by district leaders as well, and it appeared that they hadn't revoked his privileges.

He stepped inside and pushed the only button, one that closed the doors and caused him to descend.

Suture took a deep breath, having a natural fear of elevators that originated from a childhood accident. Once, a building he had been in lost power while he was on an elevator, shutting off the power and the lights. He had stayed in there for three hours, curled up on the floor and crying because he was afraid of the dark at the time as well. He no longer feared the dark, but elevators still made him uneasy.

He reached the bottom and stepped into a large room, the only light being from the front. This light source was emitting a light blue color that made him relaxed, until he noticed what the light was and what was inside the light.

At the end of the room was a huge glass tube with a single occupant inside, held up by wires and cables. The person was a female, wearing a simple white jumpsuit over her body which he noticed was not rumpled or torn, as crisp as the day it had been put onto her body. The woman's hair was purple colored in a spiky fashion on her head, the same color as the tattoos that ran down her chest and neck. Her eyes were closed, but he was well too aware that they were white.

He put a hand on the glass, hoping against hope the woman could hear him or even wake up. "I'm sorry Siren. I didn't mean for this to happen."

The woman didn't answer, and he should've known that. The Carnival had imprisoned her to use her to charge the Vault Keys for each of their events, a process that was necessary for the success of the business. Thankfully they kept her comatose during the charging, otherwise it would be incredibly agonizing as well as psychologically destructive on her.

"This is unacceptable," he murmured gripping the glass with his hand. "I am a Titan, I cannot allow a Siren, someone so similar to me, suffer like this."

He stepped back, taking stock on all the machines and wires keeping her in that tube. He knew better than to just cut her lines and drag her out. He could kill her without proper procedures, as she had been inside that tube for the last ten years or so and was dependent on the nutrients provided by the machines.

But Suture had planned for this. He knew about those machines. He had helped design them. Before he had become a district leader, he was the chief scientist in charge of maintaining the Siren in stasis. While there, he had done espionage to determine how to remove her from any lab she could be thrown in, to take her someplace safe.

And now that he had defected to a rich private organization like the Raiders, he could properly break her free from this prison.

He extracted a special SDU pack from under his shirt, placing in on the ground. Plugging in numbers in the top, he waited with baited breath for his decade-long plan.

The SDU scanned ahead of it and began compiling the objects into its storage system, the coordinates keeping it from absorbing the wall behind the tube but keeping all the machines and circuitry. Because they needed to make sure the Siren was always alive, the entire system was independent from any electrical systems outside. It made its own power, performed maintenance checks, and even repaired software issues from a few terminals right next to the tube. It was remarkably efficient, and made it far easier to transport like this.

As soon as it was finished, Suture grabbed the SDU and slid it back into his shirt. "Okay, Test Subject Aurai extracted. Returning to…"

"And just what, my dear doctor, are you doing?"

Suture stopped dead, his blood freezing in his veins. He slowly turned, knowing that voice incredibly well.

Jackal stood at the elevator doors, his hat tipped to expose his eyes. The cowboy had his pistols at his side, but it was obvious they had been used recently by the ash covering the barrels. His face was blank and composed, a typical expression that the cowboy tended to use.

The surgeon rapidly began deducing possible strategies. Jackal was the most powerful person in the entire Carnival, par none. Trying to fight him would be futile. He would have to run.

"I asked you a question," spat Jackal annoyed. "I want an answer. That girl is a vital part of the Carnival. We need her, so why is your unemployed ass grabbing her?"

"S-she's my subject," stated Suture, wincing at his own stuttering speech. "I monitored her for ten years and designed all her life support systems. I want her back."

"Mr. Vangorium isn't going to like that," noted the cowboy blankly.

"I won't give her up," spoke the surgeon firmly, trying to hide his inner terror. "You forget, this entire room was built by me. It hasn't changed once. That includes the self-defense systems."

He looked up, hoping that he was right. "Console, Intruder Alert! Activate Code Orange, Passcode: Chocolate!"

A dozen machine guns instantly appeared in the walls, all aimed directly at Jackal. Each of them were loaded with anti-personnel explosive rounds, filled with depleted uranium. These things were not pop guns, far from it.

Suture grinned, his insanity briefly sparking through. "So just let me pass would you kindly?"

Jackal noted the guns calmly, than he sighed. "Pathetic."

Simultaneously, all the guns detonated, as if they had been full of dynamite.

Suture stared in horror at the smoking remains of his personal defense system, each of them having a single bullet inside of them that had caused their destruction. The bullet was glowing blue and spinning even as it sat in the ruins of the guns, as if charged with kinetic energy.

Jackal stood with his pistols drawn, the ends of them glowing blue. He had fired twelve shots in under a second, all of them hitting their target, never moving his eyes either. Even machines didn't have that kind of accuracy.

"I am the top man in the Carnival for a reason you know?" reminded the cowboy raising an eyebrow. "Things like that don't scare me. Nothing scares me."

He sheathed his guns. "However, I honestly don't care what you do with that girl. I'll just say that you were here and gone before I showed up."

Suture rapidly ran to the elevator, knowing better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. He slammed the button, not caring about the rudeness of his actions.

Before the doors closed, Jackal had a single thing to say: "You know, the others will try to get her back. Be ready for that."

The doors closed, the elevator rising rapidly.

This time, Suture no longer had a fear of elevators. What he had was a fear of Jackal.


	36. Chapter 36: Set You Free

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "A Siren?! When the fuck did we…?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "I'm just as surprised as you. I never would've supported that."**

**[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well it's a damn good thing Suture rescued her, aye?"**

**[Richard McGuiness] "Hell yeah! You go Suture!"**

Lilith glanced at the phone worried, concerned that it was about to explode in her hands from the sheer volume of the person on the other line. "Uh….Torgue? It's great that you got your company back…again…after Smith tried to take it from you, but why are you calling me about it?"

"WELL, I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING AT THE RAIDER'S SUMMIT, BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO AND A GENTLEMAN IS ALWAYS RELIABLE!" shouted the person on the other end, apparently having no concept of an inner voice at all.

"Well I'm sure you were busy, having to take back your company again. Why don't you just fire Smith? He is the guy who constantly fires you. Than you beat him up and he hires you again. It's been going on since that Hunger for Violence thing."

"WELL, I FORGAVE HIM THE FIRST TIME HE DID THAT, SINCE I UNDERSTOOD WHERE HE WAS COMING FROM, MAINLY SINCE I WAS BEING A BIT OF A D*** AT THE TIME, SO I LET IT GO WHEN I PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE AND GOT MY F***ING COMPANY BACK! The second time, I off-handily made a comment on his hair and he fired me, WHICH WAS A TOTAL D*** MOVE ON HIS PART, so I punched him TWICE and got my s*** back, but kept him because his nachos ARE F***ING GODLY!"

"Well…that's…nice of you…"

"I KNOW! I FELT REALLY GOOD FOR THAT, ESPECIALLY WITH A PLATE OF NACHOS IN MY BELLY! Now the third time was kinda funny. I may have, accidentally, on purpose, blew up a planet with a population of 2 million, BUT IT WAS F***ING AWESOME AND HE HAD NO SENSE OF STYLE!"

"Torgue, that was two million dead people!" shouted Lilith amazed at his incompetence.

"LIKE I GIVE A F***! YOU SEEN THE BODY COUNTS OF VLADOF?!"

"Okay, you got me there," admitted the Siren. Nicholas Vladof 'Nick the Decapitator' was infamous for his exploits of bloodshed, all of them completely random. Well, the ones before his fight with Bellum. Now only a few were random.

"EXACTLY! ANYWAY, THIS FOURTH TIME WAS INTERESTING! I kinda stole a secret missile THAT WAS TOTALLY KICKA** and shot it into a sun, WHICH CAUSED IT TO GO SUPER-NOVA, DESTROYING AN ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM, AND MADE THE COOLEST F***ING EXPLOSION EVER! WAHOO!"

Lilith rolled her eyes. "It wasn't occupied was it?"

"Well if it was, IT SURE F***ING ISN'T NOW!"

The Siren sighed, grasping at her temples futilely. She usually got the vibe that she was the only sane person in her entire alliance, though Mr. Blake probably felt that more than she did. "Well, you got your company back, again. You gonna try to maintain control so you can be of use to our alliance?"

"I WILL ATTEMPT TO CONTROL MY EXPLOSIVE URGES THAT CLEARLY AGGRAVATE MY STOCKHOLDERS SO I CAN CONTINUE BEING OF USAGE AND SORTS TO YOU RAIDERS! I PROMISE, AND A GENTLEMAN'S PROMISE IS AS SOLID AS…SOMETHING REALLY SOLID!"

The Siren nodded. "Good. Listen, I have to get going Torgue. I'll see you later."

"OF COURSE! HEY, CAN WE HAVE ANOTHER BUNKERS AND BADASSES GAME WITH TINA AS THE BUNKER MASTER?!"

"Well, Tina's busy, and Brick and Mordecai…"

She remained silent. "Mordecai's retired, and Brick's gone. I'm the only original Vault Hunter left in active service." She hadn't told him about it, mainly since he was too busy getting his company back, and she was still dealing with the lonely feeling she got from it.

The end of the phone was quiet, something she had not expected.

"Are you okay Torgue?" asked the Siren quietly.

"…just giving a moment of silence for lost friends."

His lack of a loud voice was surprising, hinting that the normally boisterous man was clearly affected by what she had said.

"You sure you gonna be okay Torgue?"

"Yeah….just…I'm gonna go punch a wall or something to feel manly again. See ya Lilith."

He hung up, something he never did, ever. She stared at the phone astonished, amazed by how deeply he had been affected.

"Wow…I didn't see that coming."

Axton nodded. "He doesn't have many friends, so he values those he has a lot. He's like Salvador in that aspect."

The Siren nodded, understanding the boisterous man's feelings. "Yeah, I'm glad to be his friend. It's terrible to alone in this world."

She glanced at Suture, who had just returned from something on Eden-66. "And that's the primary concern I have for you. You knew about this Siren and you didn't tell us?"

The surgeon looked away, slightly ashamed by his behavior. "I didn't want you to be involved in my problems. It was my fault that poor girl suffered for 10 years of her life, and I had to deal with it. Bringing you along…"

"Idiot," snapped Lilith boldly.

Suture stopped, his eyes widening in response.

The Siren smiled. "You're a part of our crew Suture. We're a family. As a family, we take care of each other's problems and help them. Family's love and care for each other. It's only natural."

He paused, digesting her words.

"Love…?" he repeated skeptically. "I never understood that word, no matter how hard I tried. I am a doctor, so I help people, but does that mean I love them? Love is defined as strong affectionate feelings towards another, but I have never once felt that to anyone. What does it truly mean to love anyway?"

"To constantly be thinking about the person you care about," answered Baskerville in his normal chair, brushing his incredibly long hair with a wide-ruled brush. "To be willing to do anything to make them happy and healthy, to lay your life on the line for them. To accept them for who they are and not want them to change unless it's for the better. That's love."

Suture remained quiet, processing the words. "…indeed. That matches up with what I've studied, but I still do not understand it. Perhaps in time…"

He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. "Regardless, I have successfully rescued Test Subject Aurai, the youngest Siren."

Lilith sighed and leaned forward, feeling the need to bring some insight into the conversation for those observing. "Only six Sirens are allowed to exist in this known universe. If one dies, another is instantly born somewhere else. This applies to Titans as well, like Suture here or Dion and Rocko. Each Siren as a unique ability about her that distinguishes her from the rest, making each one a highly proficient combatant. All Siren powers are based on 'heavenly' aspects, or things not typically associated with the earth and the ground: Maya with Time, me with Space, Angel with Data more specifically computers, Weather, Shadow and Light. The Titans have earthly aspects as theirs, things that are known to exist on the earth; Rocko with Ice, Suture with Blood, Dion with Plasma, Metal, Disease and Flora."

She looked up at Suture. "And it appears we know of a fourth Siren now. Do you know her powers?"

"Yes. She is able to summon tornados as well as thunder and rain storms."

"The Weather Siren," murmured Lilith biting into her finger nervously. "That could be problematic. If we release her, who knows how she'll react, and if she's been imprisoned for so long she could easily try to kill us out of confusion or rage. With powers like that, she could easily split a bulkhead."

"What do you advise we do?" inquired Axton listening intently.

Lilith thought seriously about the question, biting her thumb and splitting the skin. "I won't let another Siren slip into some corrupt bastard's grip like what happened to Angel or even me. We'll keep her here. But…"

She smiled gently at Suture. "It's only fair we let her out. She might be lonely for spending such a long time in that tube."

The surgeon grew pale. "Oh no! I'm not talking to her! I couldn't possibly do that!"

"Why not?" asked Baskerville curiously.

Suture looked away, shame crossing his face. "Because of me, that poor girl suffered so much. I don't deserve to properly know her. The best thing for me to do is never speak to her and let her live peacefully in bliss."

"You're being too hard on yourself," argued Axton.

"Am I!?" roared the surgeon, stunning them all. "I experimented on a girl for 10 years, when she was still a child! Because of me, all chances of a normal life for her were stripped from her! I'm the cause of every bad thing that happened to her!"

He began panting, clutching at the wall to catch his breath.

"You feel that in your chest?" asked Lilith blankly. "That's called love. You feel guilt for harming her, and you feel it because you love her."

Suture looked at his feet. "…love…? No, that's still not right. That's not how I feel for her."

He looked at Lilith firmly. "But I do feel guilt. If you want her out of that tube, I'll bring her out myself. I need to face this directly."

The Siren smiled gently. "Go on ahead. Bring Nurse Katelyn with you."

"I had the exact intentions," stated the surgeon walking off briskly, a goal firmly etched into his mind.

Axton smirked at Suture as he left. "That guy clearly doesn't understand his emotions."

"He talked like a guilty dad when he talked about her," murmured Baskerville tugging at a troublesome knot in his hair. "Not a lover per se, but he clearly wishes the best for her."

Lilith nodded, smiling at the afterimage of the surgeon. "Maybe he is a decent guy after all."


	37. Chapter 37: Cuteness Overload

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"They're off to see the Siren! The wonderful Siren of..."

******[Richard McGuiness] **"Stop singing that song!"

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"But it's so catchy!"

******[Richard McGuiness] **"I don't give a fuck, it's annoying as shit!"

******[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] **"Hmph, fine. Rotten old bastard..."

Doctor Suture and Nurse Katelyn walked through the storage deck of the Crimson Falcon, the two of them dressed in their professional clothing. The storage deck was full of various containers, most of them containing food and supplies (and chocolate chip cookies and salads for one special explosives expert who will go unnamed), but hidden inside was also the tube that held the Siren.

"Remember, she may turn out to be violent, so expect that," stated Suture far too calmly, his pace brisk and sharp. "I don't want to shut off the oxygen in this place, but I can survive without it for at least ten minutes."

"I brought an oxygen tank with me," elaborated Katelyn blankly.

He looked at her outfit and noted its skimpiness. "Where could you have possibly hidden it?"

She winked at him. "Don't ask questions you don't want answered doctor."

He blushed fiery red and turned away, continuing his walk to the tube.

He pushed a box aside and revealed it. The SDU had perfectly transported it to the storage deck without a hitch, all the equipment nearby and everything running at optimum capacity. The Siren inside, Aurai, had no wounds from the hyperspace storage either, no signs of any physical damage anyway.

Suture began pushing some buttons on the side, carefully inputting the necessary codes. "Be ready. I don't know how she'll react. If she remembers me, well…I'll deal with it personally."

Nurse Katelyn nodded, standing in front of the tube. She gazed at the Siren, noting her physique. "She's fairly cute."

"Hmm? I suppose," muttered the surgeon blankly.

The nurse got quietly concerned as she noticed something. "Her breasts are…extremely large."

"Hmm?" Suture looked at Aurai critically, than shrugged. "And?"

"They're….bigger than Tina's."

"You are correct of course, mainly since you helped me with Tina's medical examination. Aurai is at least a cup larger."

"…is that even possible?"

"Clearly so, since Aurai is here in the flesh."

He tapped a button, hovering over a small switch. "Well….here it goes."

He flipped the switch.

The tube hissed as the stored air croaked open, releasing the hidden atmosphere of the tube. The wires that connected to the Siren's skin retracted slowly, popping off and hanging loosely around her.

The Siren, Aurai, opened her eyes, white ones as pale as snow, and took a deep breath.

Then she fell forward, losing her balance easily.

Katelyn caught her, showing remarkable strength for someone her size. "Easy now. Try to remain calm."

The Siren looked around hurriedly, her eyes analyzing every detail. "Where…where am I?"

"Someplace safe," assured the nurse gently, her inner tenderness being exposed. "You're safe."

Aurai gazed at her in wonder. "Who are you?"

Katelyn smiled. "I'm Katelyn."

"Kate…Kateling?"

The nurse giggled. "No, Katelyn. Say it with me. Kate…"

"…lyn," finished the Siren.

All this time, Suture stood to the side awkwardly, not wanting to speak to his former test subject. He was grateful she appeared unharmed in both mental and physical ways, but he didn't want to intrude.

Aurai glanced at him, focusing on him instantly. "Who are you?"

The surgeon gulped. "My name is Suture."

"Su…Su…Suchore?"

Katelyn giggled at her behavior. "No, his name is Suture."

"Suture?"

"Yes, that's right."

Aurai looked at the two of them, her mind still processing everything. Then she looked directly at Katelyn and spoke.

" Katelyn is Mommy."

The nurse paused, her eyes widening in shock.

Aurai gazed at Suture, speaking to him as well.

"Suture is Daddy."

The surgeon's fist tightened, biting back tears. He clearly had done something wrong. She didn't remember him at all. If she had, she would've tried to kill him or at least acknowledge that he was the one who had done horrible experiments on her. This was salt in his wounds, and he was pouring it on by the pint in his own mind.

Katelyn smiled at the Siren. "Yes, I'm your Mommy."

Aurai looked at her in wonder. "Mommy…"

"Yes."

The Siren threw her arms around her neck, showing no restrain at all. "Mommy!"

Katelyn hugged her back, her eyes filling with tears of happiness.

Aurai let go of her, picking herself up to go to Suture.

"No please don't…" begged the surgeon weakly.

The Siren ignored him and hugged him tightly, barely going to his shoulder due to her short height.

"Daddy!"

He stood shocked, wishing that it had not come to this. He wished her hug would turn deadly, that she'd reveal that she was kidding and wanted him to lower his guard so she could injure him. He wanted her to remember her past and try to kill him. He wouldn't resist her either, his words about clearing the cargo bay of oxygen being hollow. He only did that to protect the others, not because he himself wanted protection. Deep inside, he wanted this child to hate him and be repulsed by him.

But she did none of that. Her face was full of joy, as she had been reunited with her real father.

He offered a false smile, if only to make her feel better. "Yes, I'm your Daddy."

Aurai released herself from him, bobbing on her feet excitedly. She didn't speak, her mind simply filled with the ecstatic knowledge of having two parents.

Katelyn grabbed her hand. "Come on, we have to let you meet the rest of the family!" She seemed legitimately excited, her internal motherly instincts taking over.

"Okay!" chimed the Siren rapidly going with the idea.

The two of them ran off to collect the rest of the crew, leaving the surgeon to himself.

Suture glanced mournfully at the tube. "She didn't even comment on the fact that we 'birthed' her from that thing. Something is off, and I need to uncover it."

* * *

"Hi everyone! I'm Aurai, a Siren! I like sweets, pop music, and any animal even slightly cute! I drink chocolate milk for breakfast, marshmallow pastries for lunch and macaroons for dinner!"

She bit her lip, trying to remember something else. "What else…? Oh right! I also love my Mommy and Daddy very much!"

The table of Vault Hunters, all composed killers of the highest degree, all had a simultaneous meltdown of cuteness proximity, some of them more composed than others.

"I am ADOPTING THIS CHILD!" roared Gaige running to the Siren and grabbing her.

"No you are not!" snapped Paula. "I'm taking her!"

Someone incredibly tall walked over to both of them, silencing them into submission.

"You both are mistaken," stated Captain Wolfenstein blankly. "I will adopt this child." He said it with the straightest, most composed face imaginable, but it was obvious the adorability of his newest teammate was affecting him.

They both silently submitted to his will, backing away in fear.

He glanced at the child, who cowered before him. It made sense, seeing as how he stood two feet taller than her with a build like a refrigerator.

"Ah! Scary!"

Aurai ran to Katelyn, her Mommy. "Mommy! Help me!"

The nurse instantly wrapped her arms around her, protecting her with all her will.

Wolfenstein seemed to migrate to a corner, his head bowed in shame. "I terrified a child. I am a terrible person."

Baldemar glanced at him concerned. "Uh…it's not your fault dude. You are kinda intimidating."

"…perhaps I should smile more?"

"Uh, no. You look like a serial killer when you smile."

"…I cannot adopt that child."

"No one will be adopting my daughter!" roared Katelyn aggravated. Then she blushed, slightly stunned by her audacity.

Gaige smirked. "Your daughter?"

The nurse looked away embarrassed. "Well…"

"Go on. Keep her. She sees you as her Mommy anyway."

"That's right!" yelled Aurai firmly. "Katelyn is Mommy!"

The schoolgirl smiled. "Of course. Can I be your Aunty? My name's Gaige."

The Siren thought about it, than grinned. "Okay! Aunty Gaige!"

Gaige shook her fists in triumph. "Yes! And that means Baldemar is your Uncle, right?"

"Who?"

Baldemar stood up. "I'm Baldemar."

"Oh…Uncle Baldemar!"

He chuckled. "Yeah…that's me."

Paula stepped forward, tears in her eyes. She seemed legitimately saddened by the turn of events, having been left out for a moment. "What about me Aurai? What am I?"

The Siren thought about it, her cute face posing like a serious scientist. "Big Sister!"

The artist scooped her up, hugging her tightly. "Awesome! I'm your Big Sister Paula, okay?"

The Siren giggled excitedly. "Right!"

She was dropped to the ground gently and she walked over to Dion, the other Titan in the room. He glanced up at her, as she was a head taller than he was.

She grinned at him, not at all bothered by the height difference. "Big Brother Dion!"

He puffed his chest with pride at the title. "Of course. That only makes sense." He tried to keep his voice calm, which was hard for a man like him at that moment.

"What about me?!" asked Alan frantically, the cuteness beginning to overwhelm him. Of course, stoicism wasn't something he tended to show a lot of, so it's not like they expected much out of him anyway in the presence of a cute thing.

"You're Cousin Alan!"

"Yes! Victory!"

Lupus glanced at her. Out of all of them, he was the most composed around the child, though he did dislike kids to some degree. This did not mean he'd be mean to her though, he just didn't like being with them for long periods of time. "What about me?"

"Cousin Lupus!"

He smirked, showing a small moment of weakness. "I like it."

Taika smiled at the kid. "What about me?"

"Granny Taika!"

The huntress stifled. "…I'm that old?"

Saprus burst into laughter. "Naw, you're just mature."

"You're Grandpa Saprus!"

They both paused, blushing beet red at the implications of what the child was saying. Not at the old comments, but what the relationship status the child had alluded to.

The rest of the team grinned.

"Even she can see it," murmured Dion amazed. "My little sis is pretty smart."

"Shut up Dion!" snapped Taika red in the face.

Aurai walked over to Wolfenstein, who was still hiding in the corner from her.

"I understand if I am not in your family," he said quietly, not wishing to look at her and possibly frighten her. "I just hope my company does not scare you any longer."

The Siren tugged at his arm sleeve. He turned, looking at her curiously.

She grinned innocently at him. "Great-Grandpa Wolfenstein!"

He stood shocked, then nodded firmly, accepting his mission. "Of course." He was composed even with the cuteness overload, as to be expected from the stoic of the group.

Finally, Aurai turned to the final man in the group, running to him and hugging him firmly. "And lastly, Daddy!"

Suture stood awkwardly with her, looking at her as if she was burning his flesh. He could tell she remembered something from before, as her personality was exactly the same as before the experiments, as well as her favorite habits, but she did not seem to remember him at all. It bothered him extremely, making him wonder several things. Were his experiments so horrific she had pushed it to the furthest corner of her mind, forgetting all about it? He had administered anesthetic, but had it been that traumatizing?

He shoved those questions away for later, offering another fake smile at the girl. "Yes. I am your Daddy."

Aurai nodded. "Yes, and we're all one big family!"

Suture looked up at the Vault Hunters, all of whom smiled at him in turn. This time, he offered a real smile.

"Yes, I guess we are."


End file.
